


What Lies Behind These Masks

by jmgenesis



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alpha Kylo Ren, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Choking, Dominant Kylo Ren, Eventual Smut, F/M, Finger Sucking, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Force Choking (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Redemption, Naked Female Clothed Male, Shameless Smut, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:13:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 29
Words: 87,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25831129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmgenesis/pseuds/jmgenesis
Summary: After freezing during her first mission on Jakku, Stormtrooper CN-2586 is confronted by Kylo Ren, who in his pursuit of Luke Skywalker is annoyed with the struggling trooper. But his annoyance with her quickly turns to curiosity, and she soon finds herself in dangerously close quarters with Ren, leading her down a path she never expected with the most dangerous man in the galaxy.Updates weekly
Relationships: MC/Drakri, Mc/Kylo Ren, OC/ Drakri, OC/Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	1. Terror on Jakku

I stood in silence with the other troopers, not daring to look at the other faces shielded in white and black. I felt my body twitch with every rumble of space debris and atmospheric resistance that hit the ship. Each burst from space added to the weight I already felt suffocated by. My armor was thick, but it couldn't compare to the heavy feeling growing in my chest as we neared Jakku. I squeezed the blaster in my hands until my skin felt choked by my gloves, but I did not loosen my grip. The pain shooting up my wrists helped me focus.

The ship hadn't even landed when the door swung open and the troopers in front of me jumped. I followed in line, as I had been programmed to do. The Jakku night was dry and cold, and even before my boots hit the ground, I could smell the smoke and blaster fire. The heat of the battle in front of me flowed into the cold desert air, and I was afraid.

But as soon as my legs touched the sand, I closed my eyes and blasted aimlessly into the fray, hoping the screams that rang through my helmet were the result of other troopers' blasts, not mine. But I couldn't keep my eyes closed long, and a moment later I found myself on the ground, my visor covered in sand. I looked back and saw a trooper in the dirt. I had tripped over him, but even that did not stir his body. I reached out to shake his armored shoulder, but he did not move. I wanted to stay with him, but my programming told me to move, so I turned and crawled behind an empty spice container to take cover. The blue and red lasers whipped over my head, their heat completely overtaking the once cool night air. I tried to catch my breath, but the screams outside my helmet and the constant comlink chatter inside my helmet quickened my pulse. I tried to look around and find my squadron, but the sand on my visor must have been muddy because it had smeared, clouding my vision.

What had I been programmed to do in a situation like this? I couldn't remember.

The noise and confusion and screams and bodies pushed me further into the sand until it felt like I was sinking. I was about to take off my helmet when another trooper's gloved hand grabbed me by the chestplate and pulled me up.

"For the First Order!" he yelled as he wiped his glove over my visor, clearing my vision.

"Down with the Resistance!" I instinctually answered, and suddenly I was back in the battle, my programming having overtaken my fear.

As I turned back to the onslaught, two troopers went flying through the air past me. I ducked to avoid their sprawled limbs and just in time to avoid the thick red fire of an X-Wing. The sky glowed blood red as more blasts besieged our position. I hid behind a moisture vaporator as the blasts continued and troopers fell. The blasts were so powerful, the troopers didn't even make a sound when they were hit. Their bodies just went limp and were taken by the force of each blast to whatever sandy hell they would forever be left in.

But in the chaos and merciless destruction, I saw one trooper do something I had never seen. Instead of running for cover or pushing ahead, the trooper ran to a fallen comrade's side, held his shaking shoulders as if to comfort him, and then withdrew in agony as the dying trooper raised a bloody hand and smeared it on the shocked trooper's pristine white helmet.

I couldn't believe the intimacy of the moment. We had been told from the day we were taken that we were disposable and nothing mattered but the mission and the First Order. And while we were people with lives and friends and loves, we were soldiers first. In the face of death, we were expected to forget all our attachments and focus on nothing but completing our mission. In all the training holographs I had watched of trooper raids, I had never seen a soldier exhibit any sense of humanity. But seeing this trooper's care and shock and disgust validated my own fear, and suddenly I didn't feel alone. I wanted to reach out to the trooper and tell him I felt the same way as him. I wanted to comfort him and to be comforted. I didn't want to be heartless.

But the moment passed too quickly, and suddenly I heard the slicing screech of the command shuttle as it began to land behind me. The piercing scream of the ship seemed to quell the battle as the shooting stopped and my fellow troopers gathered near the center of the village. My programming took over, and I rushed in line, joining my comrades as we surrounded the villagers who had been wrangled together like tauntauns.

The command shuttle's hatch flew open, and I turned to see Commander Ren himself walk down the ramp with two troopers right behind him. I felt the heat of the battle leave the air only to be replaced by an unnatural sort of cold. It was deeper than the cold of the desert. It encompassed my entire body and dug deep into my bones. He was shadowlike, swift, and tall. He moved as if upon a cloud like he was gliding his powerful body over the sand in a smooth hover. His black cape danced behind him, but his stride was so long, it looked as if the cloth could not keep up with its master. He barreled his way through the ranks and stopped in front of an old man one of the troopers had dragged from a hut. I couldn't hear their conversation from where I was standing, but only a few moments after Ren arrived, he ignited his blood red saber without even seeming to move and struck down the old man. A second later, he spun toward me and held out his hand. I saw him move before I heard the blaster behind me. But stronger than the blast was the jolt of invisible energy I felt blast from Ren and rush by me. I couldn't understand what it was I was feeling, but the air seemed to thicken, and I felt my mind go blank.

When I looked up, I gasped. Ren stood stoic and in command of the entire universe. His hand had not moved. I looked toward where the blast came and saw it suspended in midair like a hanging blue crystal. But it wasn't frozen. It shook violently. It seemed trapped between two competing forces, as if it were stuck between two black holes vying for its energy. Its building energy warmed the air as two troopers dragged another prisoner past me and threw him in front of Ren. Kylo towered over the man and made short work of his interrogation. After only a few words, he ordered the man onto his ship and turned to meet Captain Phasma.

Seeing the captain, I tightened my shoulders, raised my chest, and tucked my chin. Ren instructed Phasma to dispose of the villagers, and though my programming screamed in my head to follow orders without question, my heart sunk. But I lifted my blaster, and on Phasma's command, I closed my eyes and squeezed the trigger. The cries of the villagers turned to whimpers and then to silence. The warmth from my blaster felt cold compared to the heat of my tears.

#

By the time we returned to the Finalizer, I was drained. I walked through inspection in a daze and gladly checked in my blaster. Getting rid of it felt like purifying my entire body, and changing out of my armor, showering, and slipping into my fatigues helped me not think about what I had just done. Instead, all I could think of was food and sleep, so I staggered to the mess hall with dreams of deep-fried Nuna legs and jogan fruit. But as I entered the mess hall, the only smell was the sterile quadanium steel of the ship's hull and walls, so I knew I'd only be eating another ration pack and drinking water, much to my rumbling stomach's chagrin.

Nevertheless, I was starving. So I got my ration pack and water, and I headed to my regular table. FM-5278 was already there smiling. I plopped my dinner down and sat next to him with a thud.

"Long night?" he asked.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Girl, you got bags and wrinkles like a gundark. Have you seen yourself? Were you crying?"

"I'm seriously not in the mood for your attitude tonight, FM."

"Okay, okay. Eat your ration, then. I won't bother you," he said with a drooping frown.

"Thank you."

"So how was your first mission?"

"Hey, I thought you said--"

"Girl, please. You know me. Now spill. I want to know everything."

I shook my head. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"I saw Ren when he landed. He looked happy. Well, as happy as a guy like that could be, I guess."

"Yeah, we got the pilot, but--"

"Oh girl! Don't look now, but your booty call just walked in."

"What?" I said, gasping and almost choking on my ration.

"Good evening Commander Drakri," FM barked, standing up and pumping out his chest at the commander. I kept my eyes glued to the table.

"FM-5278. CN-2586. I hope you're both having a great evening," the commander said.

I lifted my head just enough to see the commander's chin and tried to nod.

"Thank you, commander," FM said, his voice still booming.

Drakri passed FM and patted him on the shoulder. Then as he passed me, he leaned forward and tucked a small note under my tray.

"I'll let you two finish eating," he said with a smirk flashing milk white teeth and a dimple. I caught the expression out of the corner of my eye and blushed. Suddenly, Jakku seemed parsecs away.

FM sat down and waved his hand in front of his face, mocking me. "Girl, if that man had eyes for anyone but you, I'd be jumping his bones every day." He squealed to himself as I unwrapped the note and held it under the table. I read it and felt my chest tighten.

Your room tonight

I looked around for Drakri and caught his eye from across the mess hall. I gave him a small nod. He smiled back, his shining blue eyes burning across the room like nebulae, his space black hair consuming me like a black hole, and then he looked away.

"Booty call?" FM asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up."

"I'm serious. Look at him! You're lucky no other girls are trying to lock that down. You need to commit."

"It wouldn't be fair of me to take him off the market when there's most likely no future with me. I mean, I could have died tonight. I could die tomorrow. You know how this works."

"You're right. I'm just saying if the dick was that good, I would do anything to make sure I didn't lose it while I'm still around to ride it."

I cracked a smile, but it was weak. It was the best I could muster.

"Oh, shit. Tighten up," FM suddenly whispered, his tone quickly becoming serious.

"What?"

His eyes widened and he went back to eating his food. I looked up toward the entrance and saw a familiar tall shadow. It was Kylo Ren. He stood stiff and still at the entrance and scanned the room. Though he wore his mask, I could almost feel his eyes burning through people until, as if he had read my mind, he looked right at me.

"He's looking at you," FM whispered.

"No shit," I said behind clenched teeth as I quickly diverted my attention away from the mask and back to my food.

"What did you do?" FM asked, stammering through his words.

I kicked him under the table and swallowed more food than I could handle. Feeling like I was going to choke, I looked up and grabbed my throat. The entrance was empty. Ren had left. I tried to take a breath, but FM slapped me on the back.

"What was that for?"

"You were choking. Your welcome. I literally just saved your life."

I shook my head. "Wha--what was he looking at me for?"

"You know he can read minds," FM said, failing to comfort me. "He's a sorcerer. Did you hear the rumors about what he did on Tehar? I mean, I know it's all hush hush, but word gets out. I was talking to FN-2187 the other day -- don't ask. I mean, we're good now. We kind of hooked up near a store of power converters, and even though there were some GNK's in there watching us, I don't much mind droids being in the room. It's actually kind of hot. I mean ..."

FM's blabbering started to echo, and when I looked at him, his face disappeared. All around me, in fact, the entire room disappeared, and suddenly I felt myself drifting alone in the coldness of space. Everything was silent and empty, but then I heard a rumbling noise behind me. I turned around and saw the shadow of Kylo Ren approach me. He breathed deeply, as if he were taking his final, labored breaths. Suddenly, the darkness of space was red, and the cold grew warm, and I looked down and saw his laser sword ignited and pointed at my chest. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. I felt like I was going to die. I saw myself die. I died.

"C? C? C!" FM's voice shocked me back to the sterile mess hall. I looked around, confused and out of breath.

"What? What happened?"

He looked at me with suspicious eyes. "You alright? I was just telling you the best slut story you'd ever hear, and you just look like you've fallen out of hyperspace. What's goin' on?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. I'm sorry. It's just been such a long night. I just want to go to sleep."

"Don't you have patrol tonight?" FM asked.

"Shit." I had completely forgotten it was my night of the week. My shoulders slumped as I realized I wouldn't be seeing Drakri tonight, and my long night wasn't even close to ending.

"They better put you on patrol with me again next cycle. I hate working with R-7168. He's nasty."

"Hopefully," I muttered. "Hey, by the way, do you know if FN-2187 has patrol tonight?"

"No. Why? You're not going to tell him I told you we're back together?"

I shook my head. "Oh, no, not at all. It's nothing."

"You better not be into him now, too. I can tell you, he ain't interested."

"Shut up. You done eating? Let's get out of here."

"Right behind you, girl."

We left the mess hall and walked together until we got to my quarters. FM made some joke about probe droids and then left for his own room.

I opened my door and walked in, hoping to get at least a few minutes of time to myself before heading out for patrol. I plopped onto my bed and closed my eyes, but I couldn't sleep. Instead, I cried. The images of the people in the village bore into my eyes, and behind them, FN's bloody helmet loomed, staring at me as if it were a ghost. But the image didn't last long. A knock on the door pulled me off my bed. I wiped my cheeks and rushed to the door, expecting FM. Instead, Drakri leaned against the door with a sly smile. Immediately, he stepped in the room, closed the door, and grabbed me by the waist.

"I missed you," he whispered into my ear before placing a small kiss on it. His breath warmed my entire body. He started playing with my hair as he ran his lips down my neck.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot I have patrol tonight," I said between moans. "So I can't--

"I know. I had it covered for you. You're mine tonight."

"What?"

"Or would you rather spend the night holding a blaster?"

I pushed him away and looked him in the eyes. He stared back at me. His eyes were bluer than any neutron star in the galaxy, and they burned hotter.

"I need you," I whispered.

"Good."

I fell into his lips as he carried me over to the bed without protest.


	2. The Aura of Ren

Drakri was already gone when I woke up the next morning, but he'd left a note.

Thanks for last night, love. Hope to see you later today.

He always left a note without fail. I kissed it and placed it in a drawer with the rest of them. The drawer was quickly becoming too small for my collection.

I dressed and headed out for morning duty with FM. He was waiting for me on the docking bay, but he didn't look his usual chipper self. Instead, he kept pacing up and down, though his steps were shaky.

"FM, what's --"

"C! It's about time. Where have you been?"

"Sleeping."

"How? With so much excitement around here? Everyone's been talking about the pilo--" He stopped and stood at full attention. Instinctively, I turned on my heels and stood tall too. Captain Phasma was there, towering over me.

"Captain!" FM and I both shouted.

"Come with me," barked the captain, spinning around and expecting me to follow.

I shrugged at FM as I left behind the captain, not knowing where she was taking me.

The walk through the hanger felt like a marathon. I could feel the glancing eyes from every trooper behind their masks, and I could see the spiteful stares of every commanding officer as I walked behind the commander like a prisoner. My feet felt shaky inside my boots, and I had to focus just to keep from tripping over myself. Phasma had no sympathy. Her long strides quickened as we walked deeper into the ship, through the trooper living quarters, past the officers' deck, and finally up toward the commanders' level. I had never taken the turbolift up to the highest level of the ship. It was off limits to troopers and officers. I felt my stomach fall as the lift ascended. Only bad things could be awaiting me up there.

As the turbolift climbed, Phasma turned and looked down at me. "Commander Ren is waiting for you," she said. She stared into my helmet, but I felt no emotion from behind her chrome mask.

"Do you know why, Captain?" I asked.

"Do not ask questions."

"Yes, Captain."

When the turbolift stopped and the door opened, Phasma nudged her blaster forward, and I exited.

To my surprise, Kylo Ren sat directly in front of me. Even seated and hunched forward, he met my eye level. His posture looked equal parts calm and pained. The space around him felt cold. The walls of his quarters were white and pristine, though it was space through the viewscreen behind him that dominated the air. The blackness of space matched his black robes and mask, and immediately I felt all the light from the walls and floors sucked from my vision until I felt myself drifting in a void.

"CN-2586." He said my name with the monotony of a droid but the bass of a rathtar. His syllables were slippery yet firm. Each letter was pronounced with precision. He spoke without any indication, for his body was still as the space behind him.

"Commander Ren," I responded, doing my best not to tremble through my words. It didn't matter, though. I could sense him sensing my fear.

"Last night in the village. You were distracted. Explain yourself." He spoke with a complete understanding of his power and authority. It felt like words were beneath him. He commanded Basic.

"Not at all, Commander Ren."

"You are lying."

I squeezed my fingers into my palms and shook.

"No, Commander."

"So I am wrong?"

"No, absolutely not, Commander!"

"Why did you stop blasting before orders were given?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't. What could I say?

"Talk." He still hadn't moved. "Talk. Now."

His voice seemed to be coming from inside my helmet. My brain. It echoed. It turned to incomprehensible ringing, like a warning alarm from an IG-88 about to self-destruct. He spoke more words than I could hear. My helmet contracted. My temples squeezed. I dropped my blaster and fell to the ground, unable to even brace my fall. My body curled into a ball, and every muscle contracted and stretched past their limits. I felt like I was being torn apart.

I heard his voice through the ringing. "Give me everything."

The ringing turned to a blaring alarm and static and then nothing. All the sound was sucked from my ears until I felt my head pulled into the vacuum of space. No sound. No smell. No taste. Nothing to see but blackness.

But then it faded. Suddenly, with little more than a blip of focus, the room returned to form, and my body regained its normal feeling. I blinked and saw shapes come into form. Ren's boots were an arm's length from my gloved hand. I looked up and saw him hunched over farther than before. I could almost see his eyes behind his mask, it was so close.

My senses regained, I jumped to my feet and stood at attention once again. He seemed to flinch, but it wasn't anything more than a smidge of movement.

"I'm sorry, Commander! I don't know what came over me. Please forgive me," I begged.

I waited for him to unleash his saber and tear me into two. He did not move, but as if the universe could hear my thoughts, one side of his cape fell to the side, and I saw just a glimpse of the black hilt of his blade. It hung from his hip with what seemed to be the weight of a star destroyer. And though it was unlit, I felt its heat rush through my blood.

"Next time," he said in almost a whisper, "I don't care how many villagers I ask you to kill you. Don't stop shooting until you are told."

"Yes, Commander Ren."

"Leave."

"Yes, sir!"

I turned and rushed to the turbolift. It only took a second to open, but that second felt like a flight from Coruscant to the Outer Rim. I could feel Ren's eyes on me. They had never left me. They crawled up and down my body, and when the turbolift opened and I stepped through and shut the door behind me, I could still feel those masked eyes. They bore through the door, through the turbolift, through the entire ship, through all of space and time. It was only until I had returned to the landing bay that I was able to even think about catching my breath, but even then, my heart continued to race.

"So what did Phasma need?" FM was quick to find me when I reached the landing bay.

Frazzled, I grabbed him and dragged him to a nearby supply room.

"Hey, what's--"

"Quiet. Quiet!" I pinned him against the wall and looked around, paranoid that Ren would suddenly be behind me or would burn through the wall with his saber.

"Okay, okay," FM whispered. "What's going on?"

"Phasma brought me Ren," I said. The words sounded unbelievable.

"And you're still alive?"

"I didn't think I'd walk out of his quarters."

"What did he want?"

"Well, I--I kinda froze last night on Jakku," I said, thankful my helmet was on to hide my shame.

"First mission and all, I'm not surprised."

"Ren wasn't happy."

FM shook his head. "Then why didn't he kill you. He has a bit of a temper."

"I don't know. When he was talking to me, it was like he was staring into my soul. Then I got this piercing headache and I--I'm not really sure what happened. But he was in my head--or something. I can't explain what happened."

FM gasped. "So it's true."

"What?"

"He used the Force."

"That's what that was?" I asked. "I thought the Force was just for moving things, like last night, he--"

"No, he's a wizard. He can do whatever he wants to you," FM explained. "He can even read your thoughts. He probably knows everything about you now."

"Are you serious?" I thought of Drakri and shuddered.

"Oh, I'm sure he didn't find anything that really concerned him," FM said, though I didn't think he actually believed it. "Let's be real. If he did, you'd be dead and your body would have been thrown into a trash compactor."

"Right," I said, though my heart kept pounding. It couldn't be helped, though. There was nothing I could do. "We should get back to our post before someone notices."

FM's shoulders dropped and he sighed before giving me a hopeless nod. "Could be worse, I guess," he said. "You could be FN-2187."

"What do you mean?"

"He's going through a lot. I think he's going to leave."

"What?"

"I shouldn't be saying anything, but I wanted to tell you in case I go with him."

I almost tripped over a mouse droid. "You're gonna what?"

FM placed a hand on my shoulder and got even quieter than before.

"Look, he needs to get out. I can't let him go alone."

"But you two--"

"We're good, I swear," he said.

"But it's treason. You'll be--"

"This isn't the Empire, okay? We won't get sent to the spice mines of Kessel or anything. We'll just be killed."

"Nice."

"Hey, a guy's gotta follow his heart, right? What's worse than not?"

I shook my head. That explained FN-2187's shock the night before on Jakku. Even with his helmet on, I could feel his desperation and fear. It was no different than what I felt in my own heart. But actually leaving the First Order? I didn't think I was brave enough to do it.

"Just be safe," I said, not even wanting to think about losing FM from the squadron. "Don't let 2187 pick the planet. He's got no taste."

"Oh, honey. We're going to Republic City on Hosnian Prime for sure. I just want to see those hanging gardens."

"Lofty dreams."

"Only the highest, girl," he said, smacking me on the back. I laughed for the first time in what seemed like weeks, but my laughter faded away to be replaced by the screams from Jakku and the metallic rims of Kylo Ren's menacing helmet. It felt like I would never again be a human being capable of joy and happiness. Everything in the universe seemed so black.

But FM was cheery. "If I do end up leaving, I want you to lock Drakri down. You'd owe that to me. It'll kill me to think you let someone that fine go."

"You're not going to let this go?"

"Unless you miraculously found someone hotter than Drakri, I will never let it go."

I smiled. "I just don't know."

"Let me guess. He's too nice," FM said, throwing up his hands. A couple troopers from another squadron looked at us funny, but FM powered on oblivious or just not caring. "Bitch, listen to me. We all love a man that can throw us across the room and fuck us near to death! But at the end of the day, you'll be left emotionally hungry."

"Ah, stop! I just think it's hard to believe someone who's that nice. You know? I keep waiting for his true colors to show."

"Hey, you might be right, or you could wait forever for that. I think he's genuine."

Suddenly, there was a sharp screech and a thundering crash. I swung toward the tower and gasped. A TIE/sf was trying to take off, but it hadn't detached its supply cable. FM and I, surrounded by other troopers, watched confused until alarms blared and a squadron by the fighter began blasting at it. We quickly took out our blasters and followed suit, attempting to shoot down the fighter. But our blasters were nothing against its laser cannons, and soon the hanger was full of exploding supply canisters and flying storm troopers. I looked on in horror as the tower bridge was shot head on, exploding and sending debris everywhere.

"Get down!" FM screamed as he tackled me to the ground behind a makeshift wall of equipment boxes.

When I looked back, the fighter had detached and was soaring out of the bay. A crowd of troopers formed at the bay's exit, and a row of TIEs sped off in pursuit of the rogue fighter. I turned back, saw FM still on the floor, and ran over to him to help him up.

"You don't think that could have been--" I began to ask but stopped before finishing my sentence. FM's helmet had blown off, and a look of horror and pain was plastered across his face.

"Who else could it be?" he said without even moving his lips.

"We need to go check his quarters now."

He nodded as we slipped past the bewildered squadron and into the tunnel leading to troopers' quarters. We found FN-2187's door quickly and entered. Everything looked normal to me, but FM made his way to FN's desk, took off his helmet, and picked up a scrap of paper. I moved to his side and read the note in his trembling hands.

I hope you can forgive me. I couldn't risk your life anymore. I had a chance, and I had to take it. If you ever find that you're no longer happy, I'll be out there waiting. I love you.

FM crumbled the piece of paper in his hand then slammed it against the wall. It ricocheted and rolled on the ground under FN's sleeping cot. I placed a hand on his shoulder as he slumped forward onto the desk.

"He really did leave me," he said, sobbing, "and he couldn't even give me a better excuse. He didn't want to risk my life? He thinks I'm happy here? Bullshit! He just didn't want the extra baggage!"

I took off my helmet and turned him around so he could face me. His tears were heavy. I wiped them with my gloved hand.

"You're not extra baggage. You are the most amazing person I know, and if he left without you, he really missed out."

He nodded and shook then fell into my armor. I wrapped my arms around him tight.

I looked down into the drawer and saw the thick stack of papers all written in FM's scrawl. The sight shook me. Here was a relationship in beautiful words and wandering sentences no different than mine and Drakri's. I wondered what I would do if I mustered up the courage to run. Would I be brave enough to ask Drakri to come with me? Would he want to go? I would beg him to follow me, or I would leave without even a word, too cowardly to even risk the chance that he would reject me for the First Order. But then, in the back of my mind, a creeping feeling of dread overtook the image of his blue eyes: Would I even want him to come? It was a traitorous thought and one Drakri did not deserve. But something in me thirsted for freedom, isolation, and loneliness. Something in me screamed that Drakri was a light I did not need. Something in me said it was only darkness that could satisfy me, but I could not understand where that thought had come from.

"I don't know what to do now," FM said, breaking into my thoughts.

I tried to focus. "We need to get everything that ties you to FN-2187 before they find out it's him and storm his room. We can't leave anything that will link him to you," I instructed.

FM nodded. He turned and grabbed the stack of papers he had sent FN-2187. I was about to assist him, but something caught my ear.

"Shit. Do you hear that?" I asked.

"No. What is it?"

"Someone's coming. It's--" I closed my eyes and focused. I felt a strain in my temple. "It's Kylo Ren!"

"I don't hear anything. You're just paranoid." FM was furiously moving around taking things out of drawers. I stood and looked back to the door. The sound of armored footsteps clanging against quadanium was unmistakable. It might have been an entire battalion on their way with Ren.

"Fuck," FM cried, now hearing what I had.

"You need to go. They have to be coming from the hanger bay or the deck. If you go back toward your quarters, you'll be fine," I ordered.

"What about you?"

"I'm right behind you."

"Right."

FM put on his helmet and ran out the door, his hands full of paper, holopads, and mementos. He turned and darted down the hall, and I meant to follow, but as soon as I put my helmet on, something took hold of me, and I couldn't move.

Around the corner, the dark, swirling cape of Kylo Ren scraped against the floor. His high boots slammed with each forceful step. Behind him, a dozen troopers struggled to keep up with his long stride. They kept their blasters at the ready. Ren moved like some alien creature, powerful and purposeful. He crossed the length of fifteen troop quarters in what seemed like five strides until he was directly on top of me. I looked up to his mask, consumed by his aura. It choked me.

"Commander Ren," I spat out, struggling to find my voice.

"Why am I not surprised to find you here?" he asked without looking down at me. His head turned left and right as if he were sniffing the air for his prey. "Take her to interrogation room 239. I'll find out what she knows."

The troopers made their way around him, threw my hands behind my back, and dug the points of their blasters into my back plate. As they escorted me down the corridor and toward the brig, I felt Ren's focus on me once more, just as it had been in his quarters only a few minutes earlier. Somehow, its intensity had strengthened, and I felt there would be no escaping this. I was surely on my way to die.


	3. All Consuming Force

I was thrown into the interrogation room, and Ren's troopers ripped the helmet off my head before strapping me into a table full of restraints and leaving me without a word. The only thing in the room was a small display of ash. Of course, I had seen it before whenever I had patrol on this wing of the ship, but it had never struck me like it did now. It was said that the display contained the remains of those who had crossed Ren during interrogation -- of those who had lied to him. Now, I wondered how much deeper my remains would make it. The thought paralyzed me.

"Perhaps my previous warning wasn't enough." His voice came from all around me. I hadn't even heard him enter, but now that he was in front of me, his presence was impossible to ignore. His broad shoulders seemed to block my entire view., and even as he turned away from me and faced the wall, I felt like every move I made and every thought that passed through my mind was being monitored, scrutinized, and analyzed.

"Tell me about FN-2187," he said, pointing his gloved hand toward the pit, "or I'll find other means of making you talk."

"Commander Ren, I--" He wouldn't let me speak. It was like he knew I was trying to steer him away from the truth, but even under the strain of his probing, I clenched my teeth and stayed determined not to give up FM.

"Don't even try to lie to me," he roared.

"I--I was in the bay patrolling when the TIE attempted to leave on an unsanctioned departure. I have no ties to FN-2187! But he was acting suspicious on Jakku, and I suspected he might be involved somehow, so I went looking for him. I shouldn't have been nosey, but I was just trying do my job and--"

He slammed his fist into the wall and crossed the room to me in a single stride. Behind his dark helmet, he peered down at me as if I was an insignificant worm and he was a god. I shook and lost my breath.

"You can't hide anything from me." His voice slithered all around my skin.

Then he raised his hand in front of my face, and I felt the air around me constrict. He seemed to be gripping the air and squeezing it, contorting it. I winced. Pain erupted in my brain, as if every piece of muscle was pinched and twisted. My ears popped. My teeth ached. Everything in my body felt pulled toward his outstretched hand, and I couldn't keep my eyes open.

"Show me." I heard his voice echo like it was yelled from far away. My skin grew cold, but then it burned as he ignited his burning red saber with one quick motion and let it rest just between my knees. He let it trail up slowly until it neared my abdomen. I thought my armor might melt and pour into my skin like lava over rock.

"Why are you doing this?" I screamed. "I haven't done anything wrong!"

In a flash, his blade died and his hand wrapped around my neck. I could feel the tips of his fingers reach around the back of my neck and nearly touch. The breath shot out of me as I felt him squeeze tighter.

"Don't test me," he seethed, inching his helmet closer to my face. He was close enough to me that my breath clouded his visor. He did not seem to notice. "I'm not a patient man," he said, squeezing tighter.

"I--told you--everything," I choked out.

I stared into his visor and snarled. Something in my unconscious rose through me, and I felt defiant, not afraid. This angered him, and he threw his entire body overtop me and gripped both of my wrists, squeezing and turning them like fabric. He buried my face deep into his chest. The scent of leather consumed me. I bit my lips as my eyes fluttered. A short hiccup or giggle escaped my mouth. He grunted like a beast. I felt his fingers dig into my wrists as his hips pushed into mine. All the air around us thickened, and sweat poured down my face.

"I suggest--" he started before taking loud, labored breaths, "you start behaving yourself."

With that, he shoved himself off of me, turned on his heels, and stormed out the room. Before I could take a breath, his troopers entered the room, took off my restraints, and dragged me back to my quarters. I blinked and found myself laying on my cot, staring up at the sterile ceiling, and wondering what had just happened and what awaited me next.

#

The next morning, I awoke to Drakri sitting at the foot of my bed.

"I heard you went into interrogation. I expected the worst." He looked drained.

"How long have you been here?" I asked, still half asleep.

"I came as soon as I heard. You've been out all night. I was going to wake you, but--"

"No, thanks. I feel like I just fought a wookie. Thank you for staying with me."

He pulled my body into his and whispered into my helmet. "C, you need to be more careful." He brushed his fingers across my cheeks. His warm skin suddenly made me realize how cold I was.

"I know. I'm sorry," I said. "I don't know what happened--what keeps happening. Sometimes I just do things, and I don't even know why, or I don't even realize what I'm doing when I do it."

"You need to get out of your head. You need to learn to control your emotions and follow the rules around here better. You know what happens to people who don't conform. Honestly, I'm surprised Ren even let you live. I don't--I don't know what I would have done to him if--"

I rolled my eyes. "What would you do to him, huh?"

He smiled. "True. But you know what I mean."

"I know."

"Look, I can only protect you so much. You just need to be more careful. You know you're nothing more--"

"Nothing more than disposable to the First Order? Yes, I do know, Drakri."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"But it's true."

He sighed. "You are a warrior. You are an important part of the First Order. I don't understand why you think you're anything less than that."

"Maybe because I don't even have a real name," I snapped. "I'm just a number, and when I die, they will just take another kid and put them in my place."

"Okay, you need to stop. You sound like a traitor."

I shook my head and shrugged. He looked shocked, but he held me tighter.

"Look, I know your job is hard. I get that you're afraid because you're uncertain of what the future might hold. But dammit, I need you to be certain that I love you, and even though you feel like no one under that helmet, you're everything to me."

His words were warm, but I still felt cold. I whispered his name, not knowing how else to respond.

He leaned his head forward and gave me a kiss. "I love you. You should get some more rest, okay? I've cleared your patrol duty for today. Try to get your head right. I have to get back to work, but I'll come back later to check on you."

I nodded, and after another kiss, he left me to my cold room.

"What the fuck just happened?" I asked myself after throwing myself back on my sleeping cot and under my thermal blanket. I looked up at the ceiling and placed my hand on my heart. I'd expected something more after hearing Drakri say he loved me, but I just felt empty.

"He loves me." I whispered to myself to try and get more of a reaction, but nothing happened. I tried to wrap the thermal blanket tight around me, but nothing warmed me. I tried to think of his kiss goodbye, but the cold only worsened.

"Maybe I'm getting sick," I said to the empty air as I decided a hot shower was the only thing to fix me. I got up and unspun my hair tie until my hair fell down my back. I undressed and started the water. While it heated, I stared into my mirror and shook my head. I felt my naked body unbearable to look at. I was used to seeing nothing more than the pale mask and dark spots for eyes. It wasn't until I faced my true self in the mirror that I saw ugliness. I tried to see what Drakri could possibly love in me, but I couldn't come up with a thing.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps and my door open and shut. I peeked out the bathroom and looked into my dark quarters. A tall shadow stood in front of the door motionless and menacing. I froze.

It was Kylo Ren.

"Commander," I choked out. Heat suddenly rose up from my blood through my skin. The shower behind me steamed, and my vision fogged.

He approached me without a word. His figure emerged from the darkness, tall and broad and punishing. I could hear his breathing behind his mask, but he did not speak. He reached my naked body and stopped. His hand moved up to my neck but stopped short of grabbing it. I felt the pressure inside my head again. Suddenly, it took everything in me to breathe.

"What do you want from me?" I asked, straining to get the words out.

He peered down at me, taking in my entire body. But I didn't feel any shame. All I felt was the force of his presence and the strain of my own mind trying to battle his force. And the more I fought him off of me, the more frustrated I felt him become. Suddenly, he turned and slammed his fist into the wall, releasing me from his magical grip. I collapsed to the floor and watched his anger turn to resignation as he hunched over the hole he had put in the wall and panted.

"I know you're hiding something," he said between heavy breaths. He turned to my naked, crumpled body and moved his hand to the saber hanging on his belt. "But I can't read your fucking thoughts. But I have other ways of getting what I want."

He ignited his saber, lighting the dark room in a red glow. The light bounced and bent and cut between, in, and around the fog of the bathroom. Everything around me spun as he held the saber over me. He brought it closer to my body. Every inch closer made me burn with fear and anticipation. The saber pointed right at my abdomen, but he moved with care and precision. I wanted to close my eyes and scream, but the light fixated me, and my voice escaped me. I focused on the blade and willed it to stop. Ren pushed forward, trying to jab it into me, but he seemed to be up against an invisible wall. I grew hotter and sweatier. He moaned. The water in the air covered his mask. I could see his body quivering beneath his clothes.

"What's happening?" I spit out, not really knowing what I was saying and what I was seeing. Ren pushed harder, but the saber wouldn't budge. The room got even hotter. I thought I would pass out. The pressure in my head was debilitating.

But then the red laser was gone, Ren dropped the heavy hilt, and he fell to his knees. The hum of his saber now gone, only the running water behind us filled the room. As it spilled onto the shower floor, my heartbeat quickened. The heat did not go away, even with the saber retracted.

"What do you know about the force?" He asked, sounding defeated.

I didn't know what to say. "I--I'm sor--sorry. I don't know anything."

"I see."

"Commander Ren, I'm sorry, but I don't know what's happening. Please, I--"

"That's for the best," he whispered. "The less you know the better. But I think I got what I needed."

He stood up with the intention of leaving, but something took hold of me, and I reached out and grabbed his hand. As if he expected it, he let himself turn back to me and fell to his knees, blanketing my entire body with just his upper body. He placed his helmet against my head. I gulped hard, suddenly realizing just how massive of a man he really was.

"You know, I've had a pretty bad day." There was a little playfulness in his voice. I bit my lip.

"Is there anything I could do to help?" The words came automatically. There was no fear anymore. There was power. I had brought him to his knees. I had awoken humanity behind his helmet, and now more than anything, I pained to see the face behind the mask.

"There is actually." He said it so directly, with such force. He was focused on me. His body stiffened. The air grew damper. The face of his helmet burned against my forehead. I didn't mind.

I felt the leather of his gloves run against the skin on my arm. My body felt like it would collapse like a dying star. He moved his fingers up my arm, past my elbow, traced my shoulder and collar bone, pushed against my chin, and landed softly on my lips. I opened them, inviting him in, and he didn't hesitate. I bit down gently and he let out a small moan. He stiffened. I bit my teeth down on the tip of the glove, and he pulled back his hand. His exposed skin seemed to glow against the black leather, and I gave a sigh when I saw his thick hands.

"Were you expecting a gungan?" he asked.

I chuckled. "Maybe. You're as tall as one."

He didn't say a word, but I felt his other hand on my stomach. He slowly let it fall lower between my legs. My head fell back as I succumbed to his fingers, but his gloveless hand grabbed my hair and yanked my head back to face him.

He placed his mask against my ear and whispered, "I'm going to need you to stay as quiet as possible."

I did my best to let out a nod, but his grip on me was firm, and his fingers inside me twirled. I squirmed and moaned.

"More," I begged.

He twirled his fingers, playing games with me. My legs went numb, and I bit my tongue. I felt blood roll down my throat. The pain made me even hotter.

His mask never left my face. He moved with power. Each finger moved with grace and perfection. Every time I yelped or moaned, he whispered the word quiet. Nothing else I did seemed to disrupt his focus. He pulled my hair like he wished to rip it from my scalp. I did not mind. The heat rose in me. My legs tightened. My stomach pulsed. And in the heavy air, I lost my breath as everything came to an end, and my body released all the tension and anxiety and tightness it had been holding in for too long. My head flung back. He pulled it further back as my knees gave out.

Not even giving me a moment to catch my breath, he picked me up and threw me into my cot. He stood over me, and I looked up at him with eyes that said I was his to use. He didn't need the invitation. Without pause, he undid his belt and robe. I took him in, almost shaken at his size. He laid on top of me, and I felt every bit of him, stiff and pulsing. I bit down on my tongue again, bit down on my lip, felt myself gush open, felt my head spin. He teased my clit.

"You're soaked," he whispered. His helmet dug into my forehead. My legs twitched.

"Please," I begged.

He obliged. I felt him inside me. I felt impaled, as if his saber had finally found its mark. He thrusted with anger. His hips bore into me. He moved with speed and aggression, as if he meant to tear me open. My legs flared up not because I willed them to, but because the momentum of his body hinged my hips and flipped me perpendicular to the ground. I felt my ribs and chest plate collapse into each other, and my collar bone brushed against my jaw. I tried to moan or scream, but my voice no longer worked. I couldn't even keep my eyes open.

But then he jerked his body off of mine and left me whining to myself. I lay still and in shock, not sure if the pulsing between my legs would ever stop. He didn't seem to notice. Something in his demeanor changed. He looked around as if distracted or shaken by something, then in the dark, he fiddled with his robes, put himself together, and turned to the door.

"I need to be somewhere." He said as he left, leaving me breathless and confused.

I couldn't even manage to stop him or ask him why or beg him for more. I tried to sit up and reach out to him, but my stomach cramped, and my legs were weightless. He left me naked and sweating, the room hot and humid, and the cot drenched. I laid back and tried to collect my thoughts, but nothing seemed to make sense. The pressure in my head was worse than when he had used the force on me, and I thought I was going to lose consciousness. I thought I was sleeping. I thought this had to be a dream.


	4. Behind the Mask

I woke up to the taste of blood. At some point the previous night, I must have bit into my lip. I couldn’t really remember. For a moment, I thought it had been a dream, but the pain in my lips and soreness throughout my entire lower body said differently. I tried to stand, but my legs felt weightless. I felt a rush of excitement and terror. It had been real. Now what was I going to do?

Bathing and dressing felt pointless. When I slipped my helmet over my head, I looked at my reflection and felt nothing. What was even out there in the universe for me anymore? I felt like I would just drift through life now. Even though I saw the world outside the dark lens of my visor, the only image inside my stuffy helmet was a dark set of narrow eyes beneath an engulfing shadow. I couldn’t tell if I’d actually seen those eyes the night before or if I just imagined them. It didn’t really matter, though. I figured Ren would either avoid me forever or kill me now. I couldn’t decide which was a worse fate.

In the mess hall, I ate my rations without tasting or smelling. Even the act of chewing felt weightless. I felt a darker and deeper shadow growing in my mind. It veiled my senses.

“Hello?”

FM’s voice broke my focus. I turned and saw his visor almost pressed against my own.

“What?”

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked. “I was saying I thought you were dead. When I didn’t hear from you, I thought the worst had happened.” 

I could feel my cheeks heat up. The mess with FN-2187 seemed like another lifetime ago.

“Oh, I guess I just got lucky,” I said.

“Oh, you got lucky, alright,” FM laughed. “When I went to check on you, I heard how lucky you got. My goodness.”

I almost choked on my ration. “What do you mean?” 

He giggled. “Girl, all I’m saying is maybe you and Drakri need to be quieter when you’re getting lucky. It sounded like you were being thrown through walls. Which, by the way, I’m proud of Drakri for finally manning up.” 

Drakri. The darkness in my mind vanished, replaced by his bright eyes. 

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed! It’s a good thing! Let everyone know you like it nasty!”

FM swiveled his hips in his chair and kept laughing. My shoulders dropped. Suddenly, my armor felt heavier than an AT-AT. I looked around the mess hall, panicked he was there.

“He got called to the bridge this morning. Don’t worry.”

“You can’t say anything to him,” I said.

“Of course.”

“He told me he loved me last night.” It took me a moment to actually believe he had. The memory seemed to have been scrubbed from my mind. 

“Wait, come again?” FM screamed to the scorn of a couple officers at the next table. He leaned closer and whispered in my ear. “What the fuck did you say?” 

“Nothing. Forget it.” 

“So you said it back, right? You two were celebrating when I walked by?”

I didn’t know what to say. “Honestly everything is just a blur right now. I’ll--I’ll tell you everything later. But I have to think about--I just, I have a terrible headache. I--” 

“Honey, slow down. It’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“Thanks.” 

We sat in silence then and ate our rations. The sounds of the mess hall seemed like something from another galaxy. Troopers and officers went about their routines like nothing had changed from the day before. I shot my eyes left and right repeatedly. I thought every eye watched me. Every officer seemed to glare, and every trooper seemed to glance. General Hux came in at one point with Captain Phasma at his side. Her boots clanked heavy against the floor, each step closer and louder. I thought they were coming for me. The general stared. The captain looked ready to attack, but that was nothing new. 

They passed without a word and exited through the back of the room. The stares and glares from everyone else melted away. The darkness in my mind returned, and the eyes behind the mask returned. They floated before me like ghouls in the vacuum of space--two black holes sucking me deeper into the night. I feared I would collapse under their weight, yet all I wanted was to feel their pull even more--to be pulled in and blanketed by their mass. They would consume me until I died. I saw myself die. I saw myself collapse like a star, sucked up by the swirling brown lenses like water down a drain. 

But then I blinked and saw reality. The ship. The rations. FM. He had been his bright self when talking about what he’d heard from my room the night before, but when the conversation stopped, he looked consumed by his own darkness. It took me a moment to remember why. FN-2187 had deserted. No. He had mutinied. He had betrayed the First Order. He had betrayed FM.

“Are you okay?” I asked, placing a hand on his back.

He shook his head. “What else can I do but forget him?”

I didn’t know what to say. Two troopers walked behind us. FM tensed when he heard them talking.

“--fell into a sinkhole, but they’re certain FN-2187 got away. Search is on.”

“I hope they find that traitor. If I was on recovery duty and ran into him, he’d get a blaster to the chest before he could even--” 

They’re words trailed off as they passed, but FM didn’t loosen up. I gave him a few supportive pats, but words didn’t come to my head. I felt like a hypocrite. FM might as well have been Drakri, and I might as well have been the traitor on the run below on the desert planet. 

“Good morning, Commander Drakri.” FM bellowed, kicking me under the table. I had zoned out again and hadn’t noticed Drakri standing right in front of us, smiling ear to ear as he always did.

“CN-2586, how’s your morning been?” he asked, ignoring FM.

“Oh, it’s going--fine. How about you, Commander?” I asked, stuttering and sweating. My armor suddenly felt hot.

“Oh, it’s lovely now.” He walked behind me and leaned into the back of my hair. “Now that I see you,” he whispered. 

I turned my head slightly, letting my lips brush the air next to his face. How easily I fell back into him. He pierced the darkness in my mind, filling me with light and calm. I could fall into his arms and feel all the darkness of space fall away, replaced by the warmth of a galaxy’s worth of stars. And so close to one another, we forgot ourselves and let our closeness linger right there in the middle of the mess hall, with every eye on us and with little care of who could see.

But the moment couldn’t last. The shadow returned, swallowing our light, and  _ his  _ voice tore me away from Drakri.

“Commander!” 

His scream rang through the mess hall, echoing off the walls and penetrating my armor to pass right through my bones. Drakri didn’t move, but I swung my head back toward my rations and curled forward into as much of a ball as I could, hoping to make myself invisible. Ren pounded the ground as he stomped to us. 

“Yes, Commander Ren?” Drakri asked cooly as Ren stopped in front of us. I dared to look up only enough to see his long fingers twitching in and out of a fist. I thought about the last time I had seen those fingers.

“What are you doing?” Ren asked, his mechanical voice smooth but betrayed by his heavy breathing.

“Checking in with my platoon, Commander,” he answered.

“I see.” His hands squeezed tight into fists. The leather around his fingers stretched until I thought it would rip. “You are demanded on the bridge. Leave.”

“Yes sir,” Drakri said with a slight bow. 

He walked past Ren with a proud chest and tucked shoulders. Ren didn’t move. I looked up past his hands and choked on my saliva. He had been staring at me the entire time. He held his head high behind his rigid helmet. When my eyes rested on it, I couldn’t help but look deeply for the eyes I had seen in the darkness, but they were shielded behind the veil. There was only black and my sweating reflection. 

“Do you sleep with all of your commanding officers?” he barked.

“Damn,” FM said beside me. I thought he had meant to mouth it, but the sound escaped his mouth.

“That is--not your business, Commander. With all due respect,” I choked out.

“You better watch that mouth of yours.” He did not care to see my reaction. I blinked, and he had left the mess hall, leaving everyone in silence and all eyes, once again, on me. With him, the darkness abandoned me, and now I only felt the heat of stares as if I were a uralang on display on Chandrila. 

FM waited for the stares to stop and conversations to resume around the mess hall before turning to me startled. “Okay, what the actual fuck was that?” 

“I--I guess he doesn’t like Drakri,” I said.

“Um, are you sure? You look like--”

“I--I have to get out of here. I have--patrol and--”

“Girl, calm down. What is going on?”

I shook my head and pushed my ration tray away. “I have to go.”

The stares returned as I stood up and bolted out of the room. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about any of them. I didn’t care about patrol. Or rations. Or FM. Or the First Order. 

I just wanted to get back to my room, close my eyes, and feel the pull of the darkness once more. There was nothing for me outside of my room. There was no life for me anymore. 

I ran right back to my quarters, shoving two protocol droids on the way. I felt the halls of the ship tighten and burn, and only when I reached my quarters and closed the door behind me did I feel safe. 

But it only lasted a moment. The darkness returned, and out of the shadows, two leather hands were on my hips. I let out a short scream.

“Be quiet. It’s me.” His voice was low.

“Wha--what are you doing?” The words were hard to form.

“How long?” he asked.

“What?”

“The lead engineer. How long. Tell me.”

“I’m sorry?” 

“You think I didn’t see the two of you?”

“No, I meant I’m sorry, but how is that any of your concern?” I asked, suddenly feeling power rise in my chest. It was the same kind of control I had felt the night before when I stood naked in front of him.

He squeezed my hips tighter and crept up behind him, pushing himself against my back. I felt his helmet above me. I could tilt my head back and see the bottom of his chin--or the bottom of his mask. I wanted to slip it off.

“I think after last night you’d have a pretty good idea why it’d be my concern,” he said, sliding his hands lower. “Tell me the truth before our engineer ends up dead.” 

“Don’t do anything to him!” I roared, turning back to him and pushing his chest. He did not move. I lost my balance. 

“Then tell me.”

“Fine. We’ve been together for a little bit, but it’s not a big deal.” 

“Not a big deal to you?”

I widened my eyes and tilted my head. He let out a snort of a laugh. “His mind is like glass. His love for you bores me.”

“Asshole.”

“But you,” he said, stepping closer to me. “I don’t have to read your mind to see he’s nothing to you.”

“How could you possibly say that?”

“That makes things easy.”

“What do you--”

“There’s something about you. I’ve seen it since that night on Jakku. You know what I mean.”

I shook my head. The darkness surrounded me. It emanated from him. Radiated from him. Pulsed from him like waves from a star, and I was pulled to him like oceans to a moon. He raised his hands to his helmet and lifted it. The veil parted. I looked into his brown eyes, swimming between their determined stare. A mop of hair covered his head, disheveled and wild but somewhat contained by a part down the middle. His face was long and pale, his nose and lips narrow. It was the face of a beaten, beautiful man. 

I stepped into him and raised a hand to touch his cheek.

“Don't,” he said. His voice without the helmet modification was still deep and curt, but it seemed to come from deeper in his chest now--from his heart instead of from the mask. “I don’t want you to ever touch me without me telling you to.”

“I just wanted--”

“I am human just like you. Yes.”

“How did you--”

“I heard your thoughts.”

“You can hear--”

“Now, yes. But not always. With you, I can’t always--it’s infuriating. And sometimes, I can’t even--” 

He held his hand out in front of my face the same way he had during my interrogation. I felt a pull and tightening in my head. I thought my skull was collapsing. The pain collapsed my body onto my bed and into a small ball. I squirmed under his pressure, and tears rolled down my face.

“Fight it,” he said between labored breaths as he stepped closer to me, towering over my crumpled body, focusing his mind and soul on crushing me.

I tried to cry out to him to stop. I tried to shake my head and give up. I tried to fight. Nothing happened. The darkness came over me once more, but this time I tried to look past it to escape its grip and return to the light. This pain was too much.

And then he stopped. He lifted his grip on my mind and threw his body on top of mine, his hands seizing my wrists and yanking them above my head. My body fell limp under him, but anger filled my heart.

“Get the fuck off of me!” I growled, shaking my head.

He smiled and locked his eyes on mine. “As you wish.” 

He let go and let his hands drift down my arms until they rested on the edge of my collar bone. I went to sit up, but he pressed into me. 

“Don’t try to take things from me,” I said.

“Okay.”

“And don’t read my thoughts.”

“Sure.”

He was lowering his face closer to mine. He hadn’t stopped smiling.

“And that Force thing? No more of that.”

“Of course.”

The tip of his nose brushed mine. “You’re dying to touch me aren’t you?” he asked.

I tried to shake my head, but it nodded instead.

“You’re soaked underneath that armor, aren’t you.”

I nodded again.

“Let’s see.” 

With ease, he slipped off my boots and lower armor. 

“What about--”

“Keep it on,” he said, nodding at my chest plate. I wanted to whimper, hoping it would will the rest of my armor off, but he knew what he was doing.

“I need you to shut the fuck up,” he said. I looked down and saw only the top of his head as he ran his hands up my legs and under the chest place. His bangs tickled my stomach as he breathed warm air between my legs. I shut my mouth and closed my eyes.

“Good girl,” he moaned.

I tilted my head forward and opened my eyes, about to push his head deep into me. But before I could, he retracted, slid his hands down, and flipped me over. As my face hit the pillow, my ass burned from a hard leather slap. I yelped, and he slapped me again. 

“I said hush.”

I nodded and bit my tongue as I felt his warm lips on the center of my back. He ran his mouth down my spine, alternating between licks and kisses until he reached my ass. He gave me another slap then bit my cheek. I felt his teeth dig into my muscle. It sent a shock down my legs, and I tightened. 

He traced the contours of my ass and inched his fingers up and down my inner thigh. His leather glove was cold, but it burned my skin. 

“How about here,” he said absently as he brought his face up near my ear and slipped his fingers inside me. I tightened around him and clenched my legs together. I worried I’d break his wrists, I was squeezing so hard. “I have strong wrists,” he said.

“I thought I said no more of that,” I gasped.

“I thought I said to shut the fuck up,” he snarled.

I dug my head into the pillow and tried to follow his orders. I felt my body tense and shake, but I wanted more. I wanted all of him. I wanted to feel him filling me. I wanted--

He did not need prompting. Suddenly, my hips were pulled up, his fingers left me, and I didn’t even have a moment to miss them before he was inside me, splitting me and slamming his stomach against my reddened ass. He gave me another slap and let his hand linger, squeezing it over my skin and digging the tips of his fingers into me again. He moved hard and fast, but even when loading for another push, he wouldn’t come close to getting out of me. 

“I’m going to--” 

“Don’t talk.”

I felt something tighten around my clit. 

“What is--”

He wrapped his hand around my face and shut my mouth for me. I felt the pull and darkness around my clit. He was using it on me. I logged it in my mind, thinking to myself that I would have to get him back for that at some point. But now I was too gone to care. I was convulsing under him. He didn’t let up. He pushed deeper into me and squeezed harder as I seized. He let me pulse until my body went limp. 

When I had finished, he flipped me over and moved his hips up my body until his dick rested on my face.

“After tonight, you’re mine. Do you understand?” 

I nodded. “I’m all yours Commander Ren.” 

He flashed a quick grin then was serious. “Open,” he demanded. 

I did as he asked. He yanked my head back and slid into my mouth. I took the opportunity to wrap my arms around him and dig my own fingers into his skin. I’d been dying to touch him. He pushed deeper into my mouth. I ran my tongue in circles and dug my fingers deeper until his pace quickened. His muscles tightened as I felt him pulse in my mouth, and without hesitation, I swallowed and let him out of me. We both gasped--he as he finished, and me for air--and he fell atop me, nustling his head in my shoulder, exhausted and drained.

He moved his lips against my shoulder, seemingly trying to speak, but I didn’t think he had anything left to give. I leaned into him to try and hear any words behind his gasps. At first, I couldn’t discern anything, but then I heard one word repeated again and again:  _ weak _ .

“Why would you say that?” I asked, suddenly self-conscious that I had done something wrong. 

Startled, he pushed himself off of me and stood. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Relax. I just thought I heard you say something.”

He shook his head frantically and looked around the room as if someone had entered and spotted us. “This can't happen again,” he said, breathing hard. “I can’t lose focus.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I cried out. “You can’t do this again. Don’t you fucking leave me like you did last night!” The words escaped me without thought. I had never spoken with such authority. For a moment, I felt as if I was someone. As if I was more than just a white and black helmet.

He shook his head. “Don’t think things like that.”

“I told you to get out of my head!”

He shook his head. “Yes, yes. I--I have to go.”

Without even a nod, he put on his helmet, turned, and left me alone again. I let my head drop and closed my eyes. A million things rushed through my head, and nothing. With him, the darkness left. I reached out a hand to try and bring it back. I wished to bring him back. I tried to use the Force to pull them back to me. 

Not a thing happened. Nothing in the universe stirred.


	5. Destruction

“I think we’re being transferred to Starkiller Base.” FM had been talking for a while as we walked through the hanger inspecting fuel lines, but I only caught his last sentence.

“What?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“What? Why do you even ask?”

He shrugged. I didn’t push him further. FM hadn’t been himself since FN-2187 had left the First Order. And I hadn’t been myself, either. I hadn’t seen Kylo in days. Each day without him filled me with dread, as if I was inching closer toward my death. I got the distinct feeling he was avoiding me, but I couldn’t figure out why.

“How’re things with Drakri?”

I shrugged. He didn’t push me further. While Kylo seemed to be avoiding me, I knew I was avoiding Drakri. Even the thought of him made me cold, as if he were a decaying cadaver, and I was the one who had killed him.

“So the weapon is ready?” I asked, though I didn’t really care.

“That’s what I heard.”

“All the better.”

“Definitely.”

We passed a squadron of pilots headed to the TIE we had just checked. I gave them a nod. Behind their masks, I could sense eagerness as they ran toward their ships. I wondered where in the universe they were headed. What planet would they fire on today? How many people would they kill? I shook my head in disgust. It was the same feeling I had had on Jakku.

But part of me wanted to join them.

“Did you hear the rumor about FN-2187?” FM asked. I shook my head. His voice low and his words slow, but there was a distinct tinge of hope somewhere behind his mask. I felt sorry for him, though my capacity for sympathy seemed weak. “They saw him on Takodana with a girl and the droid Ren’s been after.” He said the planet’s name as if it were just a parsec away, though I knew for a stormtrooper without orders, it might as well be in the unknown regions.

“So why aren’t we headed there instead of Starkiller?” I asked.

“I honestly don’t know. Hux and Ren are obsessed with that droid, so you’d think they’d send the entire battalion. I know I’d rather head there than to colder than Hoth ass Starkiller. If only I wasn’t the unluckiest bastard in the galaxy, Phasma would come up to me right now and ship me off to find the droid, but that’s only a dream.”

“FM-5278!” FM and I turned on our heels and tightened up at Captain Phasma’s voice. How she could sneak up on us with her chrome boots, I could never figure out, but in her presence, we shrank as we stood at attention. Her aura was dense. She glared down at us from behind her mask, clearly repulsed by our pathetic stature. “There’s a shuttle headed to Takodana waiting in bay four. You will report to it immediately. CN-2586, go retrieve your belongings and go to bay five. You are headed to Starkiller Base.”

“Is our squad being split up?” I blurted out. I could feel FM tense next to me.

Phasma stared at me in disgust, but instead of slamming me to the ground like I expected, she shook her head. “Do as you’re told now,” she barked.

“Yes, Captain,” FM said, not giving me the chance to say another word. Phasma’s gaze lingered on me for another moment before she turned away, leaving me stewing in anger and confused at my boldness.

FM didn’t seem to care. “Well, if I’m not a Jedi Knight or something. The universe finally decided to be nice.”

“I guess the universe works in weird ways,” I said, bewildered. He turned around and did a little skip. “So much for just forgetting about him.”

“Shut it,” he said, giving me a gentle push. “I was just angry at him. You know how it goes when you’re heartbroken.”

“Right. So what does this mean? You know he can never come back here.”

“If I find him, I’ll do whatever I need to stay by his side.”

I smiled behind my mask. I couldn’t help but admire FM’s loyalty and commitment. But the admiration passed in an instant, replaced immediately with regret, guilt, and that growing darkness deep in my chest. What would FM think of the things I had done, I wondered. He would surely think me nothing more than a liar and a cheat. I wanted to reach out and tell him what had happened between Kylo and me, but there was no way I ever could. The darkness inside of me was my secret, only to be awoken, nurtured, and exposed in the sanctity of privacy and ecstasy. And if that meant I would have to hide myself from the only person in the world who had ever been an unconditional friend, I decided I would have to live with it.

Besides, I rationalized, this was probably the last time I would ever see FM. We had been squadmates for a long time, but once a squad was disbanded, it was always for good. Troopers were never told why such things happened. They just did, and we just kept marching forward. That was what it meant to give yourself up to the mask and the Order.

The thought of never seeing FM again, though, seemed to pass through me. It was such an absolute reality and such an inconceivable impossibility that my mind didn’t seem to know how to process it, and I pressed on through our final steps together empty and ambivalent like someone who has stepped off a ship onto an empty planet with nothing along the horizon but dunes of sand and the flat, lifeless sky.

Before I knew it, we were at the entrance of bay four. We stopped to watch the rush of troopers and pilots board their ships. I saw a number of troopers from our own squad running across the bay, focused on the mission ahead. I wondered what was wrong with troopers like FN-2187, FM, and me. What had altered our programming so much to not fall in line like the rest of them? FM seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“I’m excited and sad at the same time,” he murmured. “It’s moments like these that make you realize how big the galaxy really is.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled.

“Look.” He turned to me and grabbed my shoulders. “Whatever you do, do it for yourself, okay girl?”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “This life should be about finding happiness, not about serving a master. And it damn well isn’t about moping around because you’re just accepting settling. You hear me?”

“I think so,” I said, nodding.

He shook his head. “I know you, okay? You don’t need to hide it. Whoever you were with the other night, that’s the man that makes you happy. Those noises I heard, they weren’t obligatory. They weren’t even pleasure. They were something deeper than all that. They were familiar. I could feel them.”

“Wait, how long did you--”

“Just tell Drakri, okay? When you get the chance. He at least deserves to know.”

I shook my head. “Look, I don’t know what you--”

“C, I know you. Come on, honey. We are lovers in another dimension. We are soulmates. You think you need to keep it all bottled up, but whoever you were with, you should share yourself with him. Promise me you’ll do that.”

“FM, I--” The words escaped me. I suddenly couldn’t breathe. The moment finally hit me, and all I wanted was to take off my helmet and cry into his chest. He seemed to realize it. He squeezed my shoulder, barely registering a shock under my armor. But I could feel his warmth.

“Just tell me one thing.”

“What?”

“Is he big?”

I snorted and cried. “That’s how you want to say goodbye?”

“Girl, it’s me.”

I shook my head and blushed.

“So?”

“Yeah. In every way.”

“I’m officially jealous.”

My tears flooded down my face, fogging my visor. “Oh,” I choked out, struggling, “I’m sure he’s nothing compared to your FN.”

He threw up a hand and laughed. “Honey, biggest in the galaxy. You know it.”

We laughed and fell into a small hug, the most we could manage in the chaos of the ship.

“Promise me you’ll be safe?” he said.

I nodded.

“And when you find it in you to get out of this mess, you come find me, okay? The galaxy’s big, but you know how to find me.”

I smiled. “Sure. Find the loudest club and go to where the party is.”

“You know me too well.”

He backed away and gave me one last pat on the shoulder. “It’s not goodbye if it isn’t forever.”

“So until we meet again.”

And then he was gone. I watched his shuttle rise and blast off through the magnetic shield and into the darkness of space. I did not linger to watch him disappear into hyperspace. There was too much darkness already in my heart, and watching the emptiness above take away my friend for good was the last thing I wanted to see.

#

Starkiller Base was cold and empty, but the manufactured snow world was nothing compared to the fire of General Hux as he stood high above legions of stormtroopers and brought fury down over the crowd. I stood with my new squadron in one of the rows closest to the landing platform Hux spoke from. The entire docking section of the base had been outfitted with First Order regalia. Red banners the size of frigates draped the outer wall, engulfing the white world with the color of blood.

I had never seen so many troopers gathered together and at attention. But when the general roared his declaration of war against the New Republic and announced their final days, all of us erupted in unison, throwing our fists in the air as if every single trooper was controlled by the same brain as if we were a hive of Geonocians.

On the general’s order, Starkiller Base rumbled and groaned. It took everything in me to balance as the ground quaked and ripped apart in places. The ultimate weapon had been unleashed. I looked up at what once was a white sky only to see it replaced by the glow of sub-hyperspace quintessence, beaming across the galaxy in a spectacular eruption of rage. I looked up to space and wondered if Kylo looked upon the same destruction, cutting through hyperspace on route to eradicate anything in its way. And then I looked back to Hux’s platform and scanned the faces for Drakri. I could not see him. Or maybe I could. I didn’t know. All the faces on the stage seemed to melt together, and in my mind, I could no longer remember what he looked like. The thought had no effect on me. It was as if it was the way it was meant to be. It felt normal. When I closed my eyes and tried to imagine his eyes, all I could see was a black mask and dark shadows behind it.

I did not stay long after the weapon had been fired. There was no point. I had no desire to see the effects of what had been done. I had no desire to hear about those on the other end of the blast. I didn’t want to imagine them looking up into space and seeing the laser fly toward them like some hellish celestial beam. I didn’t want to dwell on the panic in their eyes. I imagined for a moment it was no different than the panic in those people in the village on Jakku. I had taken in the sight of oblivion in a person’s eyes, and I didn’t want to see it again.

When I arrived at my temporary quarters, I collapsed out of my armor and into bed. I felt myself pulled into a deep sleep, but every time my mind drifted and tried to dream, my body pulled itself out of the vision and back to the darkness of my empty room. Something in me was stopping myself from envisioning any of it. It was as if my heart knew what my mind could not unsee, and it was doing all it could to keep me from tumbling deeper into the darkness I had already begun to drown in.

It must have been hours when I awoke completely, fully alert and my heart racing. I was nuzzled against a firm shoulder. I looked up and saw Kylo’s distant gaze, himself seemingly drifting off into nowhere yet focused on everything.

“Control your emotions,” he said, not moving his eyes from the shadows in the corner of my room. “Tell me what is going on with you.

The words came slowly to me, though I didn’t know how to articulate anything that had been happening in my mind. “I’ve just had an exhausting day,” I mumbled.

He didn’t respond.

“I’m worried about a friend,” I said, if only to fill the silence.

“A friend?”

“Just a friend.”

“Oh. Why?” he stiffly asked.

“He was sent to fight on Takodana. I haven’t heard anything, so I’m just worried, I guess.” I thought of what I would do if FM had been on the other end of the superweapon’s blast. He would be wiped out of the galaxy with no one to remember his name or story. FN-2187 had abandoned him. I had abandoned him. Who else was there for a number? Who would remember a faceless ghost behind a mask?

“What’s his name?” Kylo asked.

“FM-2578.”

“I’ll look into it.”

“You--will?” I stammered.

He nodded. “I sensed your distress all the way from orbit. I thought something had happened to you. I--I couldn’t bear it.”

I looked up at him in shock. He didn’t return my gaze. Something about the moment struck me, and suddenly I was crying on his shoulder, my tears evaporating on the rough cloth covering his wide chest. Soft and smooth like a spring breeze, he wrapped his arms around me. His arms were almost long enough to circle me twice. I fell into his embrace, simultaneously warm with affection and lust and cold with distance and loss. He was like a cold room with a blanket, so easily warmed and so easily chilled, both sensations equally filling and powerful.

My tears turned to dry sniffles, goosebumps, and weak muscles. His grip tightened.

“Do you know--were you--were you on Takodana?” I asked, trying to stop myself from shaking.

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

“I had to retrieve something important, but there were complications.”

“Is everything okay?”

“I have a prisoner I need to interrogate. This prisoner--is complicating things.”

“A prisoner?” I thought it must be FN-2187.

“It’s not that traitor, no.”

“I thought I told you--”

“Yes, yes. It’s a habit.”

I shook my head. “Wait, so who is it?”

“You don’t know her.”

I closed my eyes and shuddered. I couldn’t understand why, but something in me grew colder. It was like a slithering, crawling bug had slipped up my leg and danced across my skin.

“Wait for me at my command shuttle tonight. I want to show you something,” he said, warming me again.

“At your shuttle? But how would I--”

“You’ll be given clearance. You’re new to the base. Do you know--”

“Of course, but I--”

“Don’t dwell on it. Just meet me there. Tell me you will.”

I nodded.

“Say it.”

I felt myself get warmer. “I’ll meet you there.”

He gave a quick nod, though he still wouldn’t look at me. “You’re okay now, right?”

“Yes,” I said.

He nodded again. “Good. I--I need to leave. I just wanted to make sure.”

“You can’t stay,” I blurted out as he untangled himself from me and stood. I cursed my desperation as he turned to the door without hesitation.

“Tonight,” he said, putting on his helmet and letting himself out without even a look.

He took the warmth and the cold with him, leaving me alone in the dark room with no sensation but emptiness. I fell back into my bed and tried to cry, but I had no tears left. I closed my eyes to try and manufacture them, but all I found was sleep, and soon I was adrift in a dreamless coma, floating into nothingness like a wandering star thrown out of orbit and tumbling into the void.

#

I awoke in an even darker room than before. I had to stumble to the door to turn on a light, but the usually reliable power fuzzed and dimmed and flickered. There was a rumbling beneath my feet, and the entire world felt sideways. I quickly dressed and put on my helmet before leaving the room, but as soon as I stepped into the hall, I stepped into chaos.

Troopers and officers and all types of First Order personnel ran in every direction, panicked and clumsy and shouting. Sirens blared and light flashed. The rumbling below grew worse. I didn’t know which direction to go, but a wave of engineers swept me from my stupor and carried me down a hall toward the loading docks. I tried to ask what was happening, but the sirens and shouts drowned me out. I only made out unconnected words: scavenger, solo, resistance, FN-2187.

I tried to turn at FN’s name, but as I did, I fell into Drakri’s waiting arms.

“C?”

“Drakri?” I said, gasping. He looked at me shocked for a moment then wrapped his arms around me. His embrace was softer than Kylo’s and probably deeper, but I could not sink into it. It did not consume me.

“Thank the stars you’re here. We need to get on a ship and get out of here,” Drakri said, clearly panicked and rushed.

“Wait, there’s something I need to tell you,” I shouted above the sound of blasters and a nearby explosion.

I didn’t think he heard me. His face went pale as he looked behind me. I turned my head and saw the horizon outside a viewing window go fully black.

“Wha--what is happening?” I asked, suddenly terrified.

“We have to go!” Drakri yelled.

I shook my head. “Wait! I have to tell you something.”

“You’re going to have to tell me later. We have to leave!”

He grabbed my hand and turned us back toward the loading docks. Another explosion shook the entire complex, and we nearly fell down. But Drakri tightened his grip on my wrist and pulled me hard. I felt safe in his clutches, despite the sirens and shaking and screams surrounding us. But then I heard another scream. This one echoed everywhere inside my head, but it did not seem to reach the space outside my mind. I froze, yanking Drakri’s hand from my wrist, and looked around for the source. It had been a scream of unspeakable agony, unlike any of the panicked cries from the terrified troopers. It was like a wild beast’s last cry before being bested by a predator. But nobody else had seemed to notice.

“C, what’s wrong? Come on!” Drakri screamed. I looked at him as if he were lightyears away. His eyes were as blue as crystals. In them, I saw all the love a man could have for another being. But the screaming in my mind grew louder, and the image of the man who loved me vanished, replaced by a dark forest, snow, and a similar blue crystal glow, this time burning with rage and danger, not with love and concern.

Drakri’s patience had run out. He seized my hand and pulled me from my vision. I felt myself float in his wake as he guided us to the loading docks. A rush of familiar faces greeted me, all of them desperate and confused and looking for any escape from death.

“Commander, this way! Bring that trooper!” I looked around and matched a familiar face to the familiar thick, scowling voice. General Hux beckoned us to board his ship. His face was pale as ice, a stark image below his fiery hair.

Drakri led me to the ship, and we collapsed to the floor as the doors closed and we took off, making our last ditch escape from whatever was happening on the planet below.

“Thank you, General!” Drakri called to the stomping Hux. He stepped over us like we were muddy little ponds of water.

“Shut up,” he ordered. “You! You are CN-2586, yes?”

I looked at him confused, not sure if he was speaking to me.

“This is her, sir,” Drakri answered for me, clearly thinking I was in shock.

“Good. Now shut up and stay where you are.” Hux slithered his way to the front of the ship and barked orders at the pilot.

I turned to Drakri and tilted my head in confusion. He shook his and furrowed his brow as if to say “Don’t ask me.”

“There he is! Stop the ship!” Hux screamed from the front. “Troopers!”

A flurry of stormtroopers ran past us. Drakri pulled me to a seat away from the action as we felt the ship lower back to the planet.

“We’re going down?” Drakri cried, but everyone ignored him.

I watched the troopers open the hatch and run out into the snow. I looked out to see what they were doing, but it seemed all the light in the galaxy had been extinguished, and I could only make out fluttering shapes as their helmet light bobbed and ebbed through what looked like a mess of trees.

“Well fuck.” Hux’s voice from the cockpit carried over the commotion.

I tried to peer his way, but the animalistic screaming I had heard earlier returned, and I collapsed into Drakri in pain. He threw himself atop me and tried to rock me into calm, yelling into my ear about how everything was going to be okay. His voice and the rupturing planet faded away, replaced entirely by the painful screams echoing in my mind.

“I’m weak. I did what I had to do and I’m still weak.”

It was Kylo’s voice. He seethed and cursed and cried. I looked around but couldn’t see him.

But then, suddenly, he was there. Yet his appearance was not phantom-like as his voice had been. Instead, he arrived on a stretcher carried by the stormtroopers. They pulled him in from the cold, closed the door, and we rocketed up into space, leaving the cold chaos on the surface behind. The bay lights hadn’t lit up yet, so we sat in darkness with the sounds of an erupting planet echoing outside the hull. The only lights were from the troopers’ helmets, but the beams of light bounced everywhere at once and nowhere as they attended to the dying man on the stretcher.

I could only make out parts of him. He was sweaty and bloody and defeated. A long scar ran up his face, and I worried he had lost an eye. His cloak was in tatters. Melting snow dripped into puddles beneath him. His breathing was heavy and labored, and he shivered. The sight of him drained me, pulling me deeper into the darkness. His repeating thought crashed against my skull.

“So fucking weak! That bitch! That bitch! How did she do it? How?”

He screamed at me without moving his mouth. Nobody else could hear him. But I heard every word. I felt every ounce of pain. As we made our way to the Supreme Commander’s battleship, I listened to every regret and rage and resentful cry Kylo thought as he lay there in what felt like his last moments of life.

I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I couldn’t. Drakri held me tight against him, repeating over and over in my ear that he loved me and that nothing would ever keep us apart again.


	6. The Dark and The Light

I had never been on the supreme leader’s flagship, the Supremacy. It had a familiar feeling though, and as we flew into the docking bay and landed, I felt a different kind of darkness than what I felt around Kylo. It seemed to beckon to me, calling me toward it with a warm slither, wrapping around my ears and shoulders and arms. I wasn’t sure if it sought to welcome me or to squeeze me until I collapsed to the floor, choked and dead.

I blinked and returned to where I was. Perhaps it was Drakri who was choking me. He hadn’t let go since we’d left Starkiller Base. His grip only tightened as we landed on the Supremacy. But even his warm body pressed against mine wasn’t enough to stay the encroaching coldness I felt the deeper we went into the supreme leader’s ship. And it wasn’t enough to warm my heart as I watched Kylo suffer, beaten and bloody before me. He hadn’t found peace or calm on the entire shuttle ride, even after the medical droids tended to him. Still, his enraged thoughts echoed in my head. I tried to speak to him with mine, but I didn’t know how. Still, I had hoped my presence might at least be enough to soothe him. It hadn’t.

“It’s time to go, C.” Drakri whispered into my helmet, seemingly unconcerned of our closeness as Hux rushed past us, ordering droids and troopers and everyone in sight to move Ren and to prepare him an audience with the supreme leader.

I watched him leave, barking and stomping all over the hanger bay, and I wondered how little love a man like that could have in his life. I remembered his speech on Starkiller just before everything had happened. He had had the look of a slighted god, as if he were ready to evaporate the entirety of the universe for no other reason than his rage. It was a different kind of anger and coldness than I had felt around Kylo. It was the rage of a child. Kylo’s rage felt deeper, as if it came from a sincere place, or as if it wasn’t really his own.

Drakri rushed me from the shuttle, and we followed Kylo until he was turned to the medical bay and we met with a deck officer to set up temporary quarters. Drakri handled it all. I didn’t even have to say a word. Even in the face of galactic destruction we had just experienced, and even with me drifting through the moment like a directionless comet, he took control, restored order to the universe, and guided me back into orbit. He held my hand proudly as he walked us to the room he’d secured for me. He opened the door, undressed me, and gently guided me to the shower. I stood motionless beneath the falling water, letting it wash away the shock of everything I had just seen. I heard him in the other room talking into his comlink. It sounded like the entire First Order was on the verge of collapsing, and from what I could hear, everyone was looking to Drakri for command. He handled the panicked voices with coolness and calm. He reassured those who needed it. He directed the confused with a firm hand. And he offered patience to those who had lost theirs.

He was so different from Kylo. Where Kylo was impulsive, Drakri was ordered. Where Kylo was emotional, Drakri was logical. Where Kylo ran hot, Drakri moved with cool command. And where Kylo sucked me in with darkness, Drakri invited me closer with light.

I started to cry. What had I done? What was I doing? Billions of people had just been killed, and here I was weeping over my own selfishness, my uncontrollable lust, and my pathetic guilt. What was I compared to the galaxy? Why couldn’t I care more about the genocide I had just participated in?

I thought I might lose consciousness. The burdens I now carried were too heavy for my shoulders. The mistakes I had made would kill me. I knew it. I wouldn’t last much longer. My only direction was the cold loneliness of death. I saw myself drifting through space, withering away until I reached the vast void beyond the galaxy. Out there, beyond all life and existence, I would fade into the nothingness, all my particles evaporating until nothing remained.

A soft knock against the door brought me back, and I turned to see Drakri, naked and tall and perfect before me. He slipped into the shower, under the water with me, and pushed himself gently against my back. He was warmer than the water. His hands reached around me and softly rubbed my stomach. He placed his chin on my shoulder. I felt his breath hot against my collarbone.

“I just wanted to make sure you were holding up okay,” he said, his voice barely registering over the sound of the water.

I didn’t respond.

“Hey, did I do something wrong? You’ve been so distant, and even with everything going on, I feel like I should at least be able to get through to you. Is this because I said I loved you?” His voice broke as he spoke.

“I--no. It’s not that.” I couldn’t muster much more than that, and even I could hear how unconvincing my words were.

“Look, if you’re not ready to say you love me, it’s okay. I’ll wait for you to be ready, but tonight proved to me how much you mean to me, and I’m not letting this go. I just want to make sure you don’t forget that. I’ll follow you anywhere, C. I’ll do anything for you.”

I wanted to cry again, but I feared having to explain the tears. More than that, I feared continuing this conversation, so I turned and pushed my body into him. I stood on my toes to kiss his lips, surprising him with my intensity. He responded naturally, but I didn’t let it go further.

“Can I just have some time and space?” I asked.

“Of course.” He smiled and kissed my forehead. “I mean it. Anything for you, C.”

I nodded and rested my head against his broad chest. We stood there until the water ran out of heat, and even then we were slow to part. Eventually, though, we did, and Drakri left me in my bed, exhausted and with a pain in my heart. He kissed me good night and said he loved me. I hugged him in response and let him leave. Even if I wanted to say something, no words came to my head. All I wanted was sleep.

#

My dreamless sleep didn’t last long. I awoke alone. The steam from the shower had vanished. My armor was still strewn across the floor. Drakri’s towel still hung limply on the rack. The starship was silent. It felt as if I was the only one on the entire ship.

But then I thought I heard a scream. It was familiar. It was Kylo. I had to go to him. He was alive and needed me. He would want to see me. He would need me there to heal him back to strength. He was calling for me.

I leapt out of bed, dressed, and ran into the hall, almost forgetting my blaster on the way. The halls were empty and cold. They felt strangely comforting.

I didn’t need to think about where I was going as I took off toward the medical bay. It didn’t matter that all the starships in the First Order had the same internal architecture; I didn’t need to know the layout to know where Kylo was. I felt him.

Nevertheless, I had no official business in the medical bay, so as I neared him, my anxiety rose. And even though it seemed like nobody was patrolling the halls or even onboard, I worried I would turn a corner and run into Hux or Captain Phasma, and then what would I do? I figured I would be reprimanded for being out of post or for committing some miniscule infraction or for looking at them wrong, and then I’d be holed up in my room with no hope of seeing Kylo recover. I tightened my grip on the blaster and quickened my pace, making myself look more suspicious than I did before. But I had no choice. Kylo’s pain grew in my mind, and I knew he needed me.

When I arrived at the medical bay, I saw the first trooper since I’d left my room. He looked at me sideways when I told him I needed to enter.

“What’s your badge number, trooper?” he demanded.

“CN-2586.”

“On whose orders are you on to be here?”

“Captain Phasma’s,” I lied. “I’m from Strakiller and--”

“Oh!” He perked up and shook his head. “Nasty business. How did you survive?”

I shrugged. “Lucky, I guess.”

“Not much luck going around these days.” He put a hand on my shoulder and sighed. “We lost a lot of good people.”

“Yes. It’s tragic.”

He held the embrace longer than I liked, but he let me through without another question.

The medical bay was out of control. Panicked medical droids zoomed in circles, some running into each other, some seemingly overloaded and short circuiting. Wounded troopers screamed in their beds, and others stood silent and inconsolable in corners. Commanders and engineers and medical staff ran around in confusion. Nobody seemed to know what to do or what had happened or where they were going. I glided through it all, focused on the dark pull coming from the back of the bay. A closed door loomed beyond all the chaos, inviting me closer. I felt Kylo’s pain grow, but I also felt the other darkness I had felt when we landed on the ship. Both darknesses seemed to be competing with one another, though Kylo’s felt considerably weaker. Nevertheless, they both seemed to whisper my name, enticing me on.

I reached the door and was going to open it, but Kylo’s voice rang through my head.

“Get the fuck out of here now!”

I froze. His voice was full of pain and rage. I hadn’t expected it. I thought he needed me. I knew he needed me. But here I was, completely offering myself for his recovery, and he was rejecting me.

I fell a couple of steps back and shook my head. What had I missed?

“CN-2586?” A trooper’s voice called my name from behind me, and I turned around at attention, fully expecting it to be a commanding officer there to reprimand me.

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Woah, no need to be so stiff,” she said with a little bit of a laugh. “I’m SF-2966.”

“Who?”

“Weren’t you briefed?” she asked.

“Briefed about what?”

“Well that’s a shame! There’s nothing worse than not knowing what’s going on, though I feel like that all the time, so I guess I’m pretty pathetic. But--wow--okay, that’s not nice. Do you think I’m too hard on myself? Don’t answer that! Hey! You’re CN-2586!”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Great! I’m SF-2966. I’m your new patrolling buddy.”

“Patrolling buddy?”

“Oh, sorry. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a new partner. My old buddy and I kind of had our own secret language, you know. We’re going to be partners. General Hux gave me the assignment a little earlier, and I am so excited! This is going to be fun.”

“Oh. Ugh, nice to meet you,” I said. She giggled at my response, and I wondered how someone like this had lasted as a stormtrooper. She must have been on perpetual trash duty or something like that. Those troopers were known to be a little off.

“You came from Starkiller, right?” she asked. The giddy way she said Starkiller gained her some scornful looks from those in the room, so I grabbed her shoulder and quickly guided her out the medical bay.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s get going, okay?”

“Sounds good! I wanted so bad to go there, you know. But General Hux didn’t allow it.”

“Yeah, well you know how he is,” I said, just thankful we were exiting the room.

“Oh, yes. He can be so stubborn. Wait, so were you there when everything happened?”

I nodded.

“How’d you get so lucky to escape?”

“I think I was just at the right place at the right time. I definitely got lucky. I wish I could say that for a lot of those that weren’t. A lot of people died.”

She didn’t seem to have anything to say after that, which made me happy. We walked in silence until we reached the mess hall. Being next to her reminded me how much I had always relied on FN. He would have so much trash to talk about this new girl. He would hate how giddy she was, and we would be able to spend hours making fun of her. But the thought of him made me sad, and I tried to think of something else.

But the only thing I could think of was Kylo. I needed to get back to him. I thought maybe he wasn’t telling me to leave. Maybe I had been mistaken. I had to get back to him.

“Hey, I forgot I had to take care of something in the medical bay,” I told her.

“Oh, let’s waltz on back then!” she said, clearly beaming behind her mask.

“Oh, no--I mean, I’ll probably be there for awhile. I have to get some medical attention.”

“Oh.” Her head dropped.

“But I’ll catch up with you tomorrow, okay? I need you to fill me in on the patrol schedule here.”

She was instantly satisfied with that. “Oh, you’re gonna love it!” she cried. “The Supremacy is where it’s at!”

“Oh, I’m sure.”

She jumped at me and gave me a hug goodbye. I wanted to crush her into oblivion as she did it, but before I could react, she was running off into the mess hall and waving down a group of embarrassed officers at one of the tables. I turned and headed back to the medical bay, a part of me hoping Kylo would kill me so I never had to see that girl again.

When I arrived back at the medical bay, nothing seemed to have changed, but the darkness radiating from the back room had subsided, and now I only felt Kylo. The competing force had gone.

I walked to his room with confidence and slipped in behind the confusion and chaos. I found him shirtless and asleep on his bed. His arm was pierced with tubes. Medical equipment pulsed and beeped at his bedside. Cleaned cuts and fresh bruises littered his body. A long scar ran from his chest to his face. But he looked relatively calm and in much better shape than he had on the shuttle. I took off my helmet and took a step toward him, but he held up a hand in protest.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said, keeping his eyes closed.

“I know, I know. But I had to see you. Something called out to me. I thought I--”

“You thought wrong,” he roared, turning his body away from me.

“What?”

“I told you you were making me lose my focus. You need to stay away from me.”

I squeezed my blaster. “I need to stay away from you? Hey, I wasn’t the one showing up in your room looking for a quickie!”

“Shut up,” he seethed. “You were in my head. It’s your fault. You were distracting me.”

“Distracting you!”

“I was weak. I failed myself. I failed the First Order. I failed the supreme leader. But I was weak because of you.”

“What is this bullshit?” I cried.

“You need to leave. Get the fuck out of here. Stay away from me and stay out of my head. If you try it again, don’t think I won’t crush you.”

“Fuck you!” I said, clenching my teeth and shaking. “Fuck you. Who do you think you are doing this to me?” I took a step closer to his bed. “You’re nothing but a child who can’t make up his mind. You’re just a little--”

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t think. All the air was sucked from the room, and my body went limp. My eyes darted around frantically, thinking something catastrophic had happened and I was being pulled into space. But the room hadn’t changed. The walls remained. The machines at his bedside didn’t stop. And Kylo hadn’t moved.

Only, he had. He had moved the space between us so now his hand was wrapped around my neck, squeezing me like a tin can. I reached up to feel it, but there was nothing there. He was choking me from across the room. I felt my skin sink into my spine. I felt my blood start to trickle out of my mouth. I felt myself dying.

But then the darkness returned to me, surrounding my eyes like a much needed shadow on a sunny day. I reached out for it, swam in it, let it surround my entire body. And then I clutched it between my shaking fingers. I let it run up my arms and into my shoulders and neck, and finally the force of it detached Kylo’s hand just slightly from my skin. I felt him feel it. He gasped in shock, and then he gasped again as I pointed to darkness to him, directing it to his neck, and I squeezed as tight as I could.

My vision returned to normal. He had swung around and sat up, and now he stared at me with shock, anger, and sadness. I felt his grip around my throat weaken, and finally he fell back and released it completely. I followed, suddenly feeling drained from the effort and confused about what I had just done. The darkness escaped me, leaving me exposed before him, unsure and gasping for breath.

“I refuse to lose to another weakling! Get the fuck out of here before I start trying,” he demanded, and I rushed from the room without a word, stumbling as I put my helmet.

I ran through the medical bay and all the way to the engineers’ wing. I didn’t think. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know where he was. My legs moved me forward before my brain could catch up, and before I knew what I was doing, I found myself before a promising door. I slammed my fists on it until it opened, and there before me was Drakri, standing waiting as if he knew I was coming.

“I love you!” I cried, falling into his shoulder.

He didn’t waste any time. I was pulled through the door and laid on his bed before I could blink. He removed my helmet gently and grasped my face with both of his hands. The sensation of hands around my jaw tightened me, but his clutch was soft and graceful, and I felt safe and warm and far away from the darkness.

“I was starting to think I’d never hear those words come out of your mouth,” he said, laughing to himself. His eyes were misty, but his body was in full command. He laid himself atop me, and I gasped as I felt his weight. I felt my breath escape me just as it had moments earlier, but this time I welcomed it.

He moved his hands behind my neck and brought his face down to mine.

“I love you, too,” he whispered, bringing his lips to mine.

I threw my hands around his head and dug my fingers into his hair. It was light and soft. I wished it was dark and rough.

He started taking off my armor, and I tugged at his uniform. His clothes were grey and soft. I wished they were black and hard.

He kissed me softly and trailed his hand down my side, tickling my skin and relishing in every detail. I wished his grip was strong and ravenous, unable to stay patient with me.

“How are you so perfect?” he asked between kisses to my exposed chest.

I felt him spread my legs and thrust himself inside me. My entire body tightened. I let myself fall into thoughtless bliss as he went in and out with the rhythm of a musician. I wished he had no rhythm and moved instead with relentless power.

I threw my head back and let him make love to me. I wished he would fuck me instead.


	7. The Tearing Away

“Apparently Commander Ren is supposed to be coming back soon from his training. I heard he had it rough after what happened on Starkiller. According to Hux, he lost a battle against an amatour Jedi. Whatever that is,” SF-2966 said.

I had been sick for the past few days, and she had come by to keep me company whenever she had some time between patrols. She was a cute brunette with soft green eyes and freckles across her nose and cheeks. I hadn’t asked for her company, but she didn’t seem like the type of person who cared much to be invited for company. Our time together usually consisted of me laying on my bed trying to sleep and her pacing up and down the room filling me in on everything happening in the First Order.

I picked up my head and gave her a confused look. “Hux told you that?”

Her cheeks grew red as she stopped pacing for a moment then began again.

“Oops. Um, no. Well, yes. I mean-- I guess I wasn’t supposed to mention that part.”

I smiled. It seemed I wasn’t the only trooper making my way up the ranks.

“Anyway,” she continued. “I heard he was out of his mind when he returned. That man--seriously! The temper. A little out of control, don’t you think?”

“I didn’t even know he’d left,” I said, perking up at his name. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks, and in that time, Drakri and I had gotten closer. When SF wasn’t in my room looking after me, Drakri was.

“Oh yeah. The Supreme Leader was not having it. He basically blamed Ren for everything that happened on Starkiller.”

“But he’s back now?

“Yeah. You’ve been stuck in here forever, so I guess I don’t blame you for not noticing. But everything has been just--off since he got back. Hux has been super stressed.”

I touched my neck. It was as if his hand had never left.

There was a knock on the door. SF was there to open it before I could say anything,

Drakri stood on the other side. Seeing SF, he blushed and turned away, but I called him back.

“I was actually just leaving,” SF said, turning to me as she left and winking. I shook my head as I sat up and Drakri came into the room.

“You look beautiful,” he said to me, kissing my forehead as he laid down by my side.

“You look stressed,” I said.

He sighed. “You probably hadn’t heard, but Commander Ren was gone for a while. He’s back now, which means my life is hell right now. That man. He is a huge dick.”

“Yeah, I know.” He looked at me curiously. “I mean, SF was saying something about that--about Commander Ren coming back.”

He nodded. “That man has the shortest fuse I’ve ever seen. Someone needs to take that lightsaber away from him. I swear. Give a man something like that, and he thinks he can take whatever he wants and do whatever he pleases. It makes him think he’s in charge of the entire universe. And don’t you dare cross him or he’ll pull that Force crap on you.”

“Do you believe in it?” I asked.

“In what?”

“The Force.”

His body stiffened. “After what I’ve seen Ren do, I have to believe in it.”

“What do you know about it?”

He shrugged. “Not much. I just know when he uses it, everything feels really cold. Like if the ship just disappeared and we all fell out into space. I don’t like it. I would never want to be Force sensitive like that.”

“Do you know how to tell if someone is?” I asked.

He lifted his hand to my chin and picked my head up. “Hey, why so curious all of a sudden? I’ve never heard you say a word about that kind of stuff.”

Now I was the one who stiffened. “Oh, I don’t really care. FM used to tell me about it. He said you could read minds with it, but that was really all he knew about it.”

“Hmm. I don’t know if I believe that.”

“I think--I think I do.”

“Why?”

I stammered. “Just a feeling.”

“Mmm, that’s one thing I love about you,” he said. I’ve never met anyone here who is so in tune with their feelings. You just always seem so connected to everything. It’s really impressive.”

I laughed. “I don’t know about that.”

“I do.”

He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me close. I fell into his body. It was so easy. He was so easy. I could close my eyes and drift away in his arms, and nothing in the universe would matter. My breath slowed, and my body folded into a weightless hover. He could transport me through the stars, and I wouldn’t feel their heat against his. I could drift forever, and nothing would be wrong with it.

But he couldn’t take away that darkness creeping through the corners of my mind. I closed my eyes and fell asleep against him, but my mind wandered off to those dark corners, and a heavy feeling circled around my neck, dragging me deeper into its clutches.

#

“So when were you going to tell me about your hot engineer?” SF asked me the next morning when, for the first time in days, I left my room and joined her for breakfast.

I laughed under my helmet and shook my head. “Good morning to you too.”

“I’m sorry. Good morning. So who’s the guy?”

I pulled her close, lifted my helmet, and whispered against her helmet. “Okay, his name is Drakri. He was the commanding engineer on our last star destroyer.”

“Oh! How long have you been dating?” she blurted out, oblivious to the curious eyes around us.

“Dating?” The word sounded off to me. “Well, we sort of just started dating, I guess. But we’ve been hanging out for months already. And I guess I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with him. But then this other guy--”

“There’s someone else?” she interrupted excitedly, clearly more interested in the story than in my obvious discomfort voicing the conundrum that had been tearing me apart for weeks.

“No, not really,” I said, pushing Kylo’s face from my mind and trying to remember the color of Drakri’s eyes. “I mean, there might have been, but that’s over. Drakri is who I should be with.”

“Who you should be with?”

“Yeah.”

“Right.”

We got our food and ate in silence before heading out for patrol.

“So is this other guy on this ship?” she asked after we’d swept two levels and reached the docking bay. I looked out at the incoming and departing ships, wondering if Kylo was on any of them. I could feel his presence, but at the same time, he felt far away.

“It doesn’t matter. Anyway,” I said, turning to her and leading us away from the docking bay. “Tell me about you and Hux. How is that a thing?”

She tripped over herself and let out a bit of a yelp. “Oh! I guess you did catch onto that. Look, I don’t like talking about it. We’ve been together for a long time. I just don’t want people thinking I’m treated differently because of it.”

“That makes sense.”

“Although he does always make sure I never get assigned to battle. So I guess I do get some special treatment.”

“Maybe, but that’s really sweet of him. That really shows how much he cares about you. No offense, but I would have never thought he was even seeing someone because he always seems so angry.”

“Oh yeah, that’s only when he’s around Commander Ren. There’s something about that guy, I swear. He gets on everyone’s nerves.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.

“I think he just needs a good fuck. Some trooper just needs to take one for the team and go ride him into the ground.”

Now I was the one tripping over myself.

“Oh, I don’t think anyone would be stupid enough to do that,” I said.

“If his dick is big enough, I’m sure someone would.”

Suddenly, the blast doors in front of us opened, and right before us was Ren.

“I don’t care what it takes. The scavenger is with Luke Skywalker. We can’t waste anymore time!” He was screaming at General Hux who looked flustered and terrified. The two men passed use without noticing either of us. I felt Kylo’s dark presence, but when he moved past us, he took it with him, and I felt detached again.

“See what I mean?” SF said, pointing after them with her blaster.

“What?”

“That man is a black hole. He sucks everything around him into a swirling mess of destruction, and even the best men are powerless to stop him.”

I nodded, and we continued our patrol.

#

At the end of our shift, we returned to the mess hall for a snack before heading off for the night. When we arrived in the mess hall, We ran right into Drakri.

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir!” I said after bouncing off him and dropping my blaster.

“The fault is mine,” he said, bending down to pick it up and hand it to me. I blushed beneath my helmet. When he handed it to me, he brushed his fingers against mine, letting them linger. I held his stare and tried to say thank you, but the words escaped me.

I recall telling you you are mine. Yet I return to find you here with him again.

The deep rumble of Kylo Ren’s voice entered my mind, swirling around and echoing. I dropped my hands from Drakri’s and turned to see him stomping his way up a ramp and right toward us.

“Commander, a word,” he demanded when he reached us.

“Of course Commander Ren,” Drakri said, brushing past me and following Ren, who had abruptly turned and was now marching fast away from the mess hall.

I tried to follow them, but Drakri turned and waved me off. He cracked a smile before they vanished from my view, and I fell to the floor, unable to comprehend what had just happened.

SF was at my side in a hurry, helping me up and carrying me to a nearby table. “Are you okay?” she asked.

I shook my head and tried not to cry. “He’s going to kill him.”

“Oh please. Why would you think that? I mean, he’s crazy, but--”

“He’s going to do it!” I roared, slamming my fists against the table and jumping up. I ran straight out of the mess hall and tried to follow the direction they had gone.

But it was no use. They could have gone anywhere. It was hopeless. I wouldn’t be able to find them, and Drakri would be gone from me forever. I spun in circles and fell against a wall, knocking over a protocol droid who was just minding his business.

Then, echoing again in my mind, Ren’s voice came over me.

You should have listened to me.

“You’re not my master!” I yelled. “Get out of my head.”

But you ignored me. So now this little piece of shit needs to go away.

“Bring him back, you monster!”

I told you you’re mine.

“I don’t belong to you.”

Remember that the next time you want to whore around.

I screamed into my helmet, but it didn’t help. So I grabbed it and flung it off my head and across the room. It bounced against the wall and rolled in circles until finally coming to rest, upside down and tilted in the center of the hallway. I buried my head in my hands and cried. Drakri’s bright eyes vanished from my memory. His warmth escaped me. Alone there in the cold, lifeless star destroyer, I wondered about how easy it would be to rip a hole in a wall and dig my way out to space. I wondered how long it would take for the vacuum to kill me. It wouldn’t be fast enough.

The darkness returned. Not Kylo’s, but my own. It circled my head and dug deep into every pore of my body. I felt my muscles, organs, and bones heavy with it. I felt my blood thicken and cool. All the light in the universe was suddenly extinguished, and I floated alone there, cold and broken at the edge of the universe.


	8. An Offer in the Dark

Time passed, but I felt frozen. I could feel every inch of my body run cold as the darkness continued to consume me. Each day that passed, I found myself angrier than the day before. I was angry at Kylo. I was angry at Drakri.

But I was most angry at myself. It was my fault. Every night that passed, I looked out at the galaxy that laid vastly in front of me and wished for nothing more than to leave. I wanted to be lost in the stars away from the First Order and away from Kylo. He had torn the last bit of light from my heart.

But Kylo would not go away. One night after patrol, I returned to my quarters to find him sitting on my bed with his helmet off alone in the dark. I shook my head when I opened the door and saw him, but what could I do? I had no choice but to come in, take off my helmet, and sit at the desk across from him. He looked at me as if expecting me to talk, but I had nothing to say. I sat broken and confused, and my anger and sadness kept his darkness at bay.

“I see you’re still upset over that engineer,” he said after staring at me for what seemed like forever.

I didn’t respond.

“I wouldn’t have had to get rid of him if you’d just listened to me.”

I shook my head in disgust.

“It’s your fault.”

“Shut up!” I yelled, slamming my fist onto the desk. “You told me to leave you. You did! You put your hands on me and said it was over. So I went to someone who loves me. You just use me for your own sick pleasures.”

“It seemed to me like you enjoyed those pleasures.”

“Just shut up.” I couldn’t say anything to counter him, but every word out of his mouth made me more upset. “Drakri had nothing to do with this. You should have just killed me instead.”

“You’re too valuable to get rid of,” he murmured, staring intently into my eyes, looking as if he wished to peer right through me.

“I’m just a stormtrooper who sucked your dick. I’m sure you’ve got plenty of other girls you can terrorize. Drakri was way more valuable to the Order than I could ever be.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Oh, please. Don’t try to flatter me. It won’t work.”

“Let me show you who you really are.”

“I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”

“I don’t believe that.” He was cool like he didn’t believe a word out of my mouth. “You didn’t even love him.”

I slammed my fist on the table again. “Don’t you dare--”

“You don’t care if he’s dead. It would just be a burden lifted off your shoulders.”

“You don’t know anything!” I screamed.

“You can’t lie to me.”

“I’ll never forgive you. I--”

I couldn’t say another word before he stood and closed the space between us, took my face in his hands, lowered his head to my ear, and breathed warm against my skin. “Rule the galaxy with me, and I’ll spend everyday trying to make it up to you.”

I felt my body go cold. The only warmth left was his breath against my ear and his long fingers stamped onto my face.

“Wh--what?” I stuttered.

“You heard what I said. Listen, I’ve come to realize I am more powerful than the Supreme Leader. With you at my side, we can destroy him and rule the galaxy together.”

I shook my head, not believing what he was saying.

“From that first night I saw you on Jakku,” he continued, “I knew there was something different about you. I was clouded that night, and I couldn’t figure it out until I saw you. You had an aura around you I’ve only ever felt around Force users, but how could that be? You were just a stormtrooper. But everyday after that, you proved to me more and more that the Force runs through you. It comes naturally to you. It is in your blood.”

I shoved him away from me, stood, and stomped to the other side of the room. “No. You’re lying. Why would I ever believe anything you say? And how could you possibly expect me to fall back into your arms after what you’ve done?”

He did not let me stand away from him for long. As soon as I finished speaking, he was up and in front of me. His pressure pushed me back against the wall, and he towered over me, looking down on my flushed face with a cool dark gaze.

“Stop acting like a brat,” he said, almost with a laugh.

I shoved him, but he didn’t move away.

“You don’t get it do you? You don’t get to tell me no.”

“I said no!” I yelled, feeling small before his tall frame. “Now tell me where Drakri is.”

He studied me. I held his gaze, puffing my lips up at him and standing as tall as I could beneath his broad frame. I felt him reach out his darkness and try to consume me, but I held my breath and pushed back. His lips quivered as he felt my energy fight his, but when he realized he could not overtake me, he sighed and took a step back.

“He’s gone. I got rid of him,” he said without emotion.

Instinctively, I raised my hand to his face and swung, but he had no problem stopping my hand in the air and subduing me.

“Let go of me!” I screamed, but he held his grip. I couldn’t fight him. “Please,” I begged as tears filled my eyes. He didn’t let go, and I felt my weight give out as I collapsed to the floor. He fell with me, never letting go of my hand, giving equal amounts of pressure and tenderness. I felt his arms wrap around me, and without a thought, I fell into his body, exhausted, confused, and livid at his ability to cause me pain and then be there to try and soothe me. I tried to choke out some words, tried to tell him to leave, but I couldn’t form a sentence.

“You don’t have to say anything. I can feel it,” he whispered.

Get the fuck out of my head, I thought.

It can’t be helped, I heard him say, but he hadn’t spoken. I looked up at him confused, and he shrugged, seemingly just as confused as I was. “You found a way to enter my mind just as I can enter yours,” he said. “I felt it before. The closer we get to each other, the worse it becomes.

I pulled back from him and crawled to the opposite wall. My body felt cold and weak. Kylo leaned back. His long legs almost reached me across the room. I scanned his sitting frame and fixated on the saber hanging from his belt. He instinctively touched it. His grip on the hilt was measured and caring. I remembered his hands around my neck and imagined the feeling of the saber igniting and plowing through my skin. I imagined how it would feel to die. In some ways, I welcomed it.

“Don’t say that,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re worth so much more than you think, if you’d only believe it.”

I shook my head. The tears returned.

“And you’re mad at me, I know. But look deeper. There’s so much more to this than the engineer.”

Drakri’s smiling face and blue eyes lit up in my mind, and then they faded away.

“See,” Kylo said, smirking, “You’ve already taken your first steps. He is nothing. All of them are nothing. They will do nothing but betray you and hurt you and turn their backs on you. The only thing you can trust--the only thing you should follow--is your instinct. And you know what it’s telling you, just as I do.”

I shook my head. Why can’t I get you out of my head? I shouted at him.

He laughed. “It’s tough, I know. It’s like you’re always being watched. But you do get me out all the time. You just don’t know it.”

How? I wondered.

“If you want to know, I can teach you.”

He pushed himself forward onto his knees and held out his hand. I felt his energy reach out to me once again, and the room got cold.

I shook my head and composed myself. “Why would I join you after what you’ve done?” I asked.

“Because you need me.”

“Bullshit.”

“Think about it!” He was begging now. I felt him despair and reach a point I hadn’t seen before. I relished the control. “You’ve been so estranged from everything. Your best friend left you, and did you care? Your boyfriend told you he loved you, and did you care? And I was ready to kill you, but did you care? No. No. No.”

“How did you--”

“You’re not listening! Trust your instincts. You’ve been falling deeper and deeper into a gyre, and you don’t know why. I do. You know I do. I can help you escape.”

What if I don’t want to escape? I thought.

“Then I can show you how to use it to your advantage. How to make something of yourself. How to find purpose.” He was on all fours now, crawling to me like an animal. I recoiled and tried to clear my mind, not wanting him to hear my thoughts again. He scowled, and I knew it was working. “Clearly,” he continued, “you have some natural talent. Let me help you refine it.”

I folded my arms across my chest and buried my face into them. “The last thing I want to do is help you kill more people,” I said. “I was on Jakku. Remember? I don’t ever want to be a part of something like that again.”

“You want to end the First Order.” I looked up at him scared now. My eyes went back to his saber, waiting for him to take the punishment for my betrayal upon himself. But he didn’t move. Instead, he smiled. “I want to end it too,” he said.

I almost laughed at him, it was so unbelievable. “But what about--”

“I want to end all of it. The Resistance. The First Order. The New Republic. They’re all full of shit. All they want to do is use us for their own gain. But, there are complications.”

I shook my head confused. He shrugged again.

“The Supreme Leader is one. Luke Skywalker is another. And there’s this scavenger--”

“Luke Skywalker?” I had heard the name before, but I didn’t know where.

“The last in a line of parasites.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“He is the last Jedi Knight. He fancied himself a protector of righteousness, but I know the truth. He’s just another puppet dangling on the strings of corruption. Just like the Supreme Leader. Just like my--like Leia Organa. Just like Hux and Mon Mothma and all of those fools on Hosnian Prime. All they want to do is use us. They pluck us when we’re young, groom us, and expect us to do their bidding at the cost of our own lives. I hate them!”

I slammed my fist against the wall. Unlike the table earlier, the wall did not give, and I felt pain shoot up my arm. “You don’t even realize what you’re saying,” I said. He looked at me curiously, and I nodded toward my helmet on the other side of the room.

He sighed. “Yet another reason you must join me. I know how you feel.”

He gave me another pleading look, and I thought he might cry if only he had the ability to do so. I didn’t believe it, though. At that moment, I thought him nothing but selfish.

“You need to leave,” I said.

“You haven’t given me an answer.”

“And you killed Drakri!”

He pulled back. Any other person would have done it out of shame, but I could see on his face he only retreated out of frustration. I finally had the upper hand.

“Look,” I said, using my best diplomatic voice. I had learned how to lie from FM, and since it seemed like Kylo hadn’t been able to hear my thoughts for a few moments, I took a chance. “I’ll think about it.”

“You’ll think about it?” he echoed.

“You heard me. But you need leave. Now. I don’t want to see your face until I’m ready.”

He stood up and snarled. “You are not in charge here.”

“Who needs who?”

“I can always kill you,” he seethed, trying to call my bluff.

“If I die, I die.”

The words were meant to further my bluff, but in my heart, I knew they were true. I had fallen so deep into my own darkness that I didn’t know how to get out. Part of me wished for nothing more than for him to strike me down right there. I knew I wouldn’t be missed. Maybe somewhere, FM would hear I was dead, and he would mourn. But so what? I had reached a point of complete despair and hollowness. I didn’t know how I had arrived there. I didn’t know what had happened to change me so much. But there were places in my mind screaming at my better judgement to sink deeper into it. And those places were reasoning that if Kylo could teach me how to be powerful, then maybe I could take him down with me. Such a feeling of revenge was foreign to me, but warmed my bones and wrapped me like a thick blanket on a cold night in space. Yes. I would use Kylo. I would let him teach me everything he knew, and then I would do to him what he had done to Drakri. What he had probably done to so many before. I would cause him pain just as I felt pain. And then after that, I would either find a way back to feeling normal, or I would fall so deep into my own anger and despair that it would consume me and I would die. It seemed like a worthy plan, as do all self-sabotaging thoughts to a depressed mind.

“Fine,” he said after studying me and trying to breach my thoughts. I did not let him. “I will let you make your decision, but you must hurry. We don’t have a lot of time. There are too many moving parts.”

He stood and put on his mask, hiding his cold, broken face behind the void. As he turned to leave, I felt him reach out once more to try and connect with me, but I did not give him the satisfaction. Defeated, he let out a grunt and exited the room, leaving me stewing alone in the new fortress of revenge and power I had built for myself.

Nothing crossed my mind then. Not FM. Not Drakri. Not SF. Not Hux or the Supreme Leader or anyone in the galaxy. All that existed for me was my own darkness, and I was finally ready to embrace it.


	9. Across Space

I’d never thought I’d crave revenge as much as I did. In the days after my confrontation with Kylo, I fed off my anger. Every time I slipped my head into my helmet and disappeared behind the mask, I saw his face. It stirred my body and mind, and I glided through the long days of endless patrol with determined rage. Each shift gave me time to fantasize my revenge. And each night when I crawled, I closed my eyes and saw his black mask staring down at me. It was as if he floated through my dreams, taunting me, mocking me, disparaging me.

“You don’t even remember his name, do you?” he would ask, and I would turn my fist into a glowing saber to strike him down.

“You don’t even know why you’re angry, do you?” he would say with a little laugh, and I would fling him out into space.

“You’re only angry because you still want me, isn’t that right?”

I would wake in a heat, sweating and panting and gasping for air. Instinctively, my hands would jump to my neck, and I’d remember the feeling of the force of his fingers around it. The thought enraged me, and more than a few times I ended up falling out of bed and kicking my helmet across the room, hoping it would shatter into a million pieces. But it never did. It always slammed against a wall, rolled around in oblong circles, and returned to my feet as if to mock my fate.

“You’re nothing but an empty mask,” I told it one night, frustrated at my inability to get him out of my head. I tried to think of Drakri, but I couldn’t remember his face. When I closed my eyes, the only eyes I saw were narrow and dark and brooding. Drakri’s bright eyes had completely slipped from my mind.

When I finally found my resolve and visited him to begin our partnership, I used my anger to drive my feet step by step from my quarters to his lair. He must have known I was coming because I met no resistance or clearances to reach his level of the ship. His was the only room on that level, a sign of his superiority. I wanted to think it was a gaudy display depraved insecurity, but when I came upon his door and walked into the pearl white room, his black figure -- the only black in the room -- encompassed me, and I felt myself shudder as I investigated his body sitting lazily in a white throne-like chair. He let his legs slack down a small step. His boots looked large enough to stomp over me, and his powerful legs, though slack, were thick and primed. He sat waiting, no doubt hiding a mischievous, broken smile behind his mask, as if the act of smiling pained him and the sight of his face pained him even more. I tried to peer through his veil to see his scarred face. He fought back.

“None of that, now,” he said, his voice amplified and deepened by the mask. Whenever he spoke behind the helmet, he projected a disinterested grandeur, as if his words were too good for other ears to hear. I licked my lips in anticipation. Here he was before me. At any moment, I would gain the courage to strike him down. Only then, I thought, would I be able to harness all the things inside me and actually do whatever it was I thought I needed to do.

“I am here to learn. Are you going to teach me?” I asked, my voice full of snark.

“Will you be a good girl?” he asked, motioning with the slightest twitch of his finger for me to remove my mask.

I obliged but flashed him a defiant sneer when my helmet came off. “I will be your student, but I refuse to be your sex doll.” I threw my helmet to the floor, hoping to crack the pristine white tiles beneath my feet. I felt him tense.

“Is that what you really want?” He did not seem convinced.

“Yes.”

He rose out of his throne and crossed the space between us, taking off his leather gloves and dropping them with the same force I had thrown my helmet. He stood in front of me and brought a naked finger to my face, stroking my cheek with his knuckles. I felt myself flush with anger and anticipation. He let the finger fall slowly to my jaw and then down my neck to my clavicle. I did not move.

“If that’s what you really want,” he said. His voice felt distant as he pulled his fingers back and willed his gloves from the floor back to his hands.

“So where do we start?” I demanded, trying to push the feeling of his skin out of my mind.

“With decorum,” he answered roughly.

“What?”

“There is decorum we must maintain in this relationship.”

“How do you--”

“You will be my apprentice.”

“Fine,” I said.

“And I will be your master.”

He yanked a glove tight over his hand and let it smack against his palm as he said the last word. I blushed and shook my head.

“Look, I told you--”

“This is the way it’s always been done. I have a master just like you now have one too. Is there a problem?”

I dug my fingers into my palms and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Fine.”

“Good, my apprentice.”

“So where do we start--master?” The word slipped out my mouth with the ease of a breath, though I tried to make it sound harder. Kylo lifted his head at the word as if in ecstasy. I figured I would have to concede many things before I could take what I wanted. But I vowed not to get distracted.

“First,” he said, suddenly resolute, “we need to get you off this ship. We can’t risk the Supreme Leader finding out about you.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because he will kill you, of course.”

I felt cold and small suddenly. That strange darkness I had felt when close to the Supreme Leader returned, but it did not beckon me deeper. It felt claustrophobic and dense.

“When do we leave?” I asked, trying to shake away the feeling.

“Now, he said, brushing past me without warning.

“Right now?”

“Put your helmet on and follow me,” he demanded.

“Uh, yes, master,” I said, bending down to pick up the helmet, not even thinking twice about his new title. It rolled off the tongue without thought just like it had the first time. Only this time, I did not try to make it sound difficult.

I followed him to the command docking bay where his ship was stationed. I strained to keep up with his long strides, but my anxiety over keeping up with him quickly vanished as I noticed the way every person on the ship collapsed into fear at the sight of him. He dug a path of command and power through the ship, and me, following in his shadow, felt the residual effects of his aura. It was like flying in the face of a great star, and every entity in visible space was likely to burst in flames if the star wished. I wanted his glow and gravity.

“Your mind is quiet,” he barked at me as we rounded the last corner before the docking bay.

“I guess it’s nerves,” I lied. Though I had been in awe of his power, I focused on keeping up a shield. I didn’t know how I was doing it, but I was. It was a feeling.

He didn’t say another word until we were safely aboard his ship and flying through the emptiness of space. I peered out the window only once to look at the ship. Once again, I was being dragged away from the closest thing I had to a home, but deep inside of me, I felt no attachment or remorse. It was just another lifeless box I was escaping. I had been escaping lifeless boxes my entire life, and I had been trapped inside of them too. The last one was the helmet still sitting snugly over my head.

Kylo seemed to have picked up on this, but he was prepared. As the star destroyer became but a speck in the distance, he turned out of his seat and leaned over me. I felt the chill from his helmet brush against mine as he reached behind my seat to pull out a folded set of clothes.

He dropped them on my lap and returned to his seat in the front of the cockpit.

“Get dressed,” he ordered.

“Yes, master,” I said automatically.

Dressing in the backseat of his ship was difficult, but I managed. Anything was better than my helmet. He had left me a black tunic and obi with half sleeves and a long black shawl. Everything fit tight, and once I had laced the boots and wrapped the warm shawl around my neck, I felt free. 

“Black suits you,” he said without turning.

I didn’t mean to, but a smile darted across my face. “It does, doesn’t it?”

“Sleep,” he said. “It’s going to be a long ride.”

“I’m not even tired,” I said.

“You’re a bad liar. I hope you know that.”

I pouted and turned my head out to space. Everything was black. It seemed like we were in the middle of empty space, but then without warning, the ship jolted forward and into lightspeed. I watched the universe shoot by us like a shower of laser beams in all directions. I had never gone lightspeed in a fighter, and being so close to the universe racing by made my heart flutter. I could almost feel the hole we were punching through space. It was a rush of power that overwhelmed me, and before I knew it, my eyes were heavy and then closed, and all of the rushing light of the universe disappeared behind the darkness of my eyes.

#

“You brought us to Tatrang V? You couldn’t have picked a shittier planet if you tried!” I cried. He had landed the ship and was halfway across a desolate plateau when I woke up panicked, not knowing what had happened. The first thing I saw was the reading on his navicomputer, and seeing the Outer Rim planet terrified me. We had flown halfway across the galaxy to an empty, mountainous wasteland far away from the First Order, the New Republic, and any life at all.

“I did say we needed to keep you hidden from the Supreme Leader, didn’t I?” he called, not bothering to wait for me. “Come on. We have shit to do.”

I crawled out of the fighter but almost fell to the ground. We had landed high on the planet, close to the sky. I had never been on a planet without my helmet on, and the feeling of thin, chilly air rushed over me, filling my nostrils and stinging my eyes. The colors of the sky--darkening magenta--popped and felt tangible without the veil covering my eyes. Even the sounds of distant birds and monsters echoed louder in my ears, ringing through my head and stirring around as if my brain had made up the sounds. As I landed awkwardly and took my first steps on the rocks, even my body felt different. It was almost weightless and deathly cold. No longer did I feel suffocated and clumsy like I always had beneath my armor. Now I was light and agile, and I caught up with Kylo without a heavy breath.

“This is amazing,” I cried, forgetting my disdain of Tatrang V and spinning as we walked toward the treeline below the precipice.

“It’s a shithole.”

“Do you really insist on killing every joy for me?”

“Yes. Now come on.”

I pouted up at the sky and admired the clouds for one last second before finally facing following him into the woods. The trees quickly encompassed us as we descended the plateau. Darkness crept over the planet as we ventured deeper into the forest. Though I felt more nimble and fast than I ever had in my armor, I suddenly missed my helmet’s night vision. Thick tree roots split through the ground and tripped me every time I took a step. Trees tall and narrow like AT-ST’s stood hidden in the darkness, seemingly always in my path. And slimy, crawling, fluttering insects landed on me, dug their stingers into my skin, and burrowed their way in and out of my clothes. It took every bit of focus I had to follow Kylo’s graceful strides, but the deeper we trekked into the woods, the more I began to think I had made a mistake. I suddenly missed the lifeless halls of a star destroyer, the pale walls of the mess hall, and the empty silence of my quarters. This new living planet far away from the known universe would swallow me whole. I would fall into a hole, drift deep into the core of the planet, and vanquish into a million little pieces of particles and dust. Nobody would know I had once existed, and nobody would know I no longer did.

“Now your thoughts are screaming,” came Kylo’s voice from ahead.

“This is--shut up! This is a lot of new,” I cried.

“Follow my aura.”

His command consumed me. It was more powerful than the living forest around us. In a moment, all the forest was empty and black, and like a blind woman walking a familiar path, I moved swiftly and without obstruction. He had willed me to use my senses instead of my mind, and I hovered through the forest as if it were air.

He took us to a large clearing in the middle of the forest. In the clearing, a tall cabin stood empty and foreboding. There were no lights and no sign of technology or life, but Kylo walked to it with what felt like a sort of reverence, as if this place had the same power over him that he had over me. We crossed the small clearing under a fresh band of moonlight. The two moons had conquered a legion of clouds, and now their full power illuminated our bodies, stretching out our shadows over the pale green grass of the clearing.

“Come with me,” Kylo said, motioning for me to follow him into the dark cabin.

Inside, we were greeted by a spacious hallway leading to a grand room full of tall windows. With no lights, I couldn’t make out any details, but the house seemed like the play cabin of some war profiteer or wealthy ruler. From the outside, there seemed to be three levels, but inside, the roof rose high and made question whether there were even two floors.

Kylo didn’t take time to wonder. He led me to a room branching off from the main hallway.

“Your room,” he said, opening the door and letting me walk in to absorb my new quarters. The room was empty save a long, fat bed in the center of a row of tall windows. Outside, the treeline encircled us, protecting us from the rest of the universe. And high above, one of the moons glowed warm and full above a blue sky fretted with reddish strokes of disintegrating clouds. I fell to the bed as if compelled by its energy. There, as if underwater, I drowned deep in an unnatural sleep, fueled by the unusual light of the pale moon and comforted by the warm embrace of my shawl. Kylo left me to sleep, fully aware of the exhaustion the trip had caused me--fully aware of the exhaustion I had been feeling for as long as I could remember.

Once more, I collapsed into a deep rest with images of Kylo’s scarred face floating before my head like a ghoul dancing in the still air somewhere between me and the moons. Soon, my training would begin. Soon, I would enact my revenge. Soon, I would conquer the universe that had nothing left to give me.

But before all that, sleep, peace, and the untouchable stillness of an empty mind.


	10. Across Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of part one! The first chapter of part two will be published in two weeks.

Kylo had left me to my own wits for two weeks in the empty wasteland of Tatrang V. When I awoke after the first night, he had vanished. He had left his ship on the mountain clearing where we had landed, but he had ventured off somewhere far away from the isolated cabin. I couldn’t feel his darkness no matter how far away from the cabin I was brave enough to go. I figured he would return with supplies or food or something, but when he hadn’t returned after three days, I did not think he was coming back.

So I took it upon myself to survive. I had learned survival skills during my training, but now that I was alone and away from the First Order, the fear of absolute isolation gripped me, and it took me almost the entire first week to scavenge some food and to find fresh water.

Those days of desperation were filled with agony. I felt my body wither as it craved the rations it had gotten used to on a regular basis. My skin, desperate for water and taxed beneath the dry air of Tatrang V grew hard and dry, and after only a few days I spent my anxious nights picking at scabs, cuts, and rashes I had earned foraging through the rugged forest outside the cabin. Picking at my skin was the only thing to bring me comfort and sleep, and I would often find myself waking in a small bed of peeled skin, scattered over my clothes like pencil shavings.

But Kylo did not return, and before I reached the precipice of extinction, my training overtook my anxiety, and I willed myself to survive.

When Kylo returned, I had regained my resolve and anger, and he seemed pleased to see it.

“I wasn’t sure you would survive,” he told me the night he returned. He had entered the cabin just as I was about to sleep, and despite my anger with him for leaving me on my own with no explanation, I welcomed him with apathy and aloofness.

“You underestimate me, then,” I told him.

“Aren’t you curious where I went?” he asked.

“Nothing interests me less than what you spend your time doing,” I said.

He laughed then pulled out a small, polished pyramid. It glowed green and black, and instantly I felt it calling out to me. It spoke to me with a familiar energy, like what I had felt when the Supreme Leader was near. The darkness drew me to Kylo, and without thought, I dropped my apathy and looked upon him ravenously.

“Clearly, you are easily swayed,” he said, watching me fall into the object’s gravity. “It’s called a holocron. This place is home to many of these, created by the Supreme Leader and entrusted to me for safe keeping. It took me some time to find this one, but I think it might be of some interest to you.”

“Why? What is it?” I asked, mesmerized by its glow.

“Because it will help you find answers. It will help unleash your true potential.”

I balked at him. “I thought you said you were going to train me. What am I supposed to do with this?”

“I am going to train you,” he said, impatient and annoyed. “But this will be the place we start. It is essential for unlocking your anger. You need to know your place in the galaxy. You need to know how awful things had to be to lead you here. It is the first step to unleashing your true anger and becoming as powerful as I know you can be.”

I shook my head, confused but still enamored by the holocron. “I don’t understand.”

“You will,” he said, stepping closer and holding the holocron out to me. “Take it.”

I did not hesitate. The holocron felt heavy in my hands, as if its density was a thousand times greater than its mass. It was made of a material I had never felt, and it was warm to the touch, like touching another person’s beating heart. I heard it whisper through the air, inviting me inside its depths, though I didn’t know how to open it. Its weight, though, fatigued me, and suddenly I found myself laying on the floor with Kylo sitting cross legged by my side.

“What do I do now?” I asked.

“You must try to reach out to the Force. Feel it around you. Tap into all the anger you have for me and all the emptiness you feel inside of you, and let it all feed you. Focus that anger and energy onto the holocron, and it will speak to you.”

“What will I see?”

“Everything.”

I flashed him a disbelieving look.

“You feel your life has always been stolen from you. This will show you why.”

I sighed, but he did not need to convince me to focus on the things that had angered me. His voice alone did it. He spoke with such a calm command, it made my blood boil. He sat by me with such cool apathy, it set me off. Here was the man who had killed--who had killed--who had he killed?

Drakri!

He had killed Drakri. He had taken the only man I could ever love--the only hope I had of something more than the life of a stormtrooper. He had taken a light that shined down on me unconditionally, and he had killed him.

And how many had he killed before? How many had he left to die on nameless planets? How many other troopers had he given orders to kill to? And how many children had he helped the Supreme Leader steal to build his army?

I thought of FM. What could he have been had he not been stolen? I thought of SF. Who could she have been?

I thought of myself. My own life. My parents I never knew. My childhood and whole existence had been stolen. My place in the galaxy--my name to be remembered by history. All of it had been taken from me.

The holocron pulsed with every thought. I understood it then. My anger fed it. My anger let me inside of it. Kylo and the cabin and the desolate planet disappeared, and I felt myself collapse into the force of it all. The holocron consumed me. I felt it open as I fell into its depths, and when I blinked, I was somewhere else in time. My mind fell into a cloud, but my eyes opened wider than ever before, and all the haze that blinded me was cleared. The veil was lifted. All the masks I had ever worn were flung from my head, and I now saw the truth of everything I had never wished to remember.

Blaster fire rang through the air, and the smell of fire spread through the small hut I stood in. A man in blue armor burst into the hut and ran right through me. I turned to see him comfort a tall, powerful woman and her little daughter who stood clinging to her mother’s leg.

“It’s him. He found us,” said the man. The woman screamed in response, and he was quick to take her in his arms and comfort her.

“It’s time to go. You and Orra need to go now.”

“What about you?” the woman cried.

“I must join the others. We’ll try to buy you some time.” He lowered and gave her a fleeting kiss. His large hand reached down to the child’s head and squeezed it gently. “I love you both,” he said, and then he was gone.

The woman collapsed to the ground, taking the child with her. She was crying. The child sat motionless and quiet.

“Orra, what are we to do now? There’s no hope left in the galaxy.”

Then an explosion. Blaster fire grew louder. Smoke from a fire drifted into the small hut. But the woman would not move. She held the child tight and cried harder, but I did not think her weak. I pitied her but felt strength build from somewhere deep inside of her body. She seemed to be protecting the child with her strength, pushing her energy through the little girl’s body to prepare her for what was about to come.

And then the darkness came over me once more. It was his darkness. The same aura that emanated from the holocron. The same energy I had felt in the medical bay. It was the Supreme Leader. He was near.

The woman rose to her feet and withdrew the silver hilt of a lightsaber from her side. She stepped in front of the child and faced the opening of the hut.

“Be brave, Orra,” she said. “Always be brave.”

The darkness entered the hut. I turned to see a host of stormtroopers with blasters ready, but they did not fire. Instead, they parted as he ambled his way into the small space. His face was hidden behind his dark robes. He moved without seeming to move. It was as if he was gliding through the air, propelled by some mysterious wind. His energy quickly overcame the woman’s resolve, but she did not back down.

“I must admit you were very hard to track down,” he said, his voice booming yet slippery at the same time.

“I’m surprised you came yourself. I can feel how weak you are,” said the woman.

“You think I’m weak?” he said, snickering.

“Only the weak succumb to the dark side,” she said.

“It’s as if you stole those words straight out of your father’s mouth. Let’s put your theory to the test.”

The woman ignited the blade, unleashing a clear beam of energy. But before she could move, the Supreme Leader held out his hand and seemed to crush every bone in her body. She dropped her weapon and fell to the floor. The child behind her did not move.

“Weak. Just like your father,” the Supreme Leader said, relishing his power over her.

“My father was more powerful than you could ever hope to be. And more honorable.”

“Heh!” he cackled. “ Heh! Honorable? What kind of honor could a man who watched his woman die in front of him have? He did nothing as she was murdered but a saber’s length from his pathetic fingers. And what did he do after that? Oh, he let himself be carried away without a fight, never having the courage to enact his revenge. He was pathetic, and he’s the reason you never had a mother. You should hate him.”

“Shut up!” the woman yelled.

“He betrayed her with his weakness. He betrayed you with his cowardice. And he betrayed the Jedi Order with his incompetence.”

“Enough!” she screamed, willing the saber to her hand, igniting it in a flash, and swinging it at the Supreme Leader. I felt my breath catch in my throat as the blade closed in on the old man in the dark robes.

But it did not meet its target. Instead, it froze in the air then fell to the ground with nothing but a whimper. The woman followed, limp and lifeless. The little girl turned her body but did not make a sound. The Supreme Leader laughed, amused with the entire situation.

I looked down at the woman as she died. She seemed to be looking right at me, as if I was actually there at this moment in time. She mouthed some words, but I could not understand them. Then I heard her squeak out one last word: “Orra-Sky.”

It was my name. I knew it. I remembered. I had always known it. I had a name and a face and a mother and father. I had a past.

But the moment passed in an instant. The Supreme Leader seemed to feel me. He looked right at me, and for a moment, I forgot all of this was happening inside my mind. I felt like he would strike me down.

“Look who finally made their way out of their stormtrooper uniform,” he said, sneering.

He took a heavy step toward me, no longer weightless and floating through the air. I stumbled and fell beside my younger self. We locked eyes, but neither of us could help the other.

The Supreme Leader took his place above me and reached out his hand. I felt his darkness crawl over my skin and into my body. He wrapped his energy around every bone, and I felt myself ready to snap.

But then he was gone.

The hut was gone.

The past was gone.

I opened my eyes and looked around. Kylo had not moved. Nothing on Tatrang V had changed. The moons still glowed overhead. The world was still empty and cold. I was still angry and alone and lost.

But I remembered my name. Orra-Sky. I remembered the dying eyes of my mother. I remembered her crystal blade.

“Now you know,” Kylo said. “And now, we will use your anger about all of this to make something of you.”

I did not want to listen to him. I dropped the holocron and rushed from the cabin. I ran right out into the moonlight and lost myself deep in the forest. I did not stop running until I could no longer feel Kylo’s energy or the holocron. I ran until I felt like I couldn’t see any of the memories I had just relived.

But I couldn’t escape them. Every step I took away from the memory brought a new one to my mind. The Supreme Leader taking me. The journey to the First Order. The first time I put on the helmet. The last memories I had before forgetting everything. The first time I met FM. The first time I looked at Drakri. The first time Kylo showed up in my room.

Everything flashed before my eyes, and I felt whole. I felt, for the first time, like I had finally justified my existence in the universe. It was like I had fashioned my own gravity, and for the first time, my life had weight.

When I finally stopped running, I found myself deep in the forest, directionless, cold, and alone. For a fleeting second, I thought I felt Kylo reach out to me, but I pushed him from my mind. I did not need him, then. I did not need the image of his face to flash across my mind. Instead, I thought about my mother’s face--not the dying face I had just seen, but the long smile and kind eyes I now suddenly remembered. And I suddenly remembered snippets of the stories she would tell me when I was a child.

“You come from a line of great warriors and leaders, Orra,” she would tell me. “Never forget who you are, and they will always be with you.”

“And how do I reach them if I need them?” I asked to the empty forest.

Nobody responded. But even in the silence and among the oblivious trees, I knew I was no longer alone. Somewhere in the expansive cosmic everything, some spirit was watching over me. I closed my eyes and tried to reach out to it, but it did not answer.

But I knew, in time, the voices of the past would return to me. I knew somewhere, somehow, at some point, I would remember who I was and who I was supposed to be.

I turned back and returned to the cabin, surer than I had ever been that I was no longer alone.

End of Part One


	11. Shifting Paradigms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2

I stood motionless surrounded by the crisp Tatrang V air, my eyes closed but aware of everything surrounding me. I took in the sharp breeze, absorbed the brittle smell of the damp trees, and let the cold, smooth bodies of my black lightsaber hilts consume my senses. They felt perfect in my hands. Their ridges and crevices were mapped to the ridges and crevices of my palms, and though their metal was cold unlit, I could feel the raging heat at rest inside their chambers. But I wouldn’t ignite them, despite how much I longed for their warmth under the cool evening. I wouldn’t light them, no matter how accustomed I had become to their steady hum. Even with them at rest, I could hear their hum. It had become part of the ambient noise of my mind so much that I couldn’t remember the universe before. Nevertheless, even with the desire to see my blades burning, I kept my focus as I waited for his next move.

I knew he was coming. I could feel him. More than his darkness, it was his breathing that gave him away. It was always his breathing. He moved gracefully, but he carried a lot of weight, and silence was difficult for him. I felt him cross between the trees behind me, but I didn’t want him to know I had heard his movement. So I reached out to the Force, sending out a question, letting it echo off all the lifeforms around me as if to say “Speak to me.” He took the bait and made his move, leaping from the brush and raising his red lightsaber to the sky. I had anticipated his aggressiveness, and in one swoop, I spun around, lit my two blades, and crossed them just before his neck. He stumbled upon landing and almost dropped his lightsaber behind him. I opened my eyes to see his shocked eyes. A flash of anger crossed his face--he was clearly annoyed--but then it vanished, and something close to boyhood mischievousness took its place. 

“You got me,” he said, arching his eyes and shrugging his shoulders.

I held my blades tight against his skin, but he did not flinch. Like the fleeting moment of anger across his face, a fleeting desire to slice my sabers through his neck ran through my body. It felt as if it had been ordered by some outside force, and I fixed my gaze on Kylo’s with determination and rage. He saw it but did not respond. I felt him reaching out to me through the Force. It was unusual, these small moments of warmth he would extend to me. But occasionally, I felt it. They flew in the face of everything he had taught me. Passion. Anger. Heat. These were his daily lessons. But in the moments I felt myself bubbling over the edge, seemingly ready to lose all control, he would temper me with calm. It stopped me every time, and I would lower my weapons and take a deep breath before starting anew.

This time was no different. I dropped my sabers and stepped back from him, taking a second to restart my breathing and calm my mind. He watched me carefully, as he had for the last three months. There was never a moment when his crooked grin or trembling frown was far from my mind. There was never a time when his brooding, rumbling voice wasn’t far from my ear. And with every day that passed, a longing for his cold embrace grew in my heart and my fingers and legs. All over my body, the thought of him grew like an itch, and despite every attempt to quell that desire, it continued to grow.

In these moments of intense calm when he would reach out with the Force to ease my anger, the itch grew worse, but I had refrained from acting on it. I refused to cede him the power I had worked so hard to take back from him--the power he had seized when we first met and he had used my body as he willed. But the desire to touch him had become too much. We had been too close during my training, and the long, cold, lonely nights had broken me down to the point that I no longer cared and only wished to once more know his touch and breath and taste.

“No helmet today?” I asked, taking a step toward him, eyeing the scar running down his cheek.

“No. It amplifies my breathing too much. I know you’ve been keying on that,” he answered.

“It’s not the helmet, you know.” I stepped closer. He didn’t move.

“Mmm, perhaps. Next time, I’ll just hold my breath.”

“I dare you.” I stopped right in front of him and looked up over his chest. He looked down at me with a frown. I felt his darkness growing, replacing the calm I had just felt. I panicked. Without thinking, my hand was pressed against his side. For just a moment, I felt the echo of his heartbeat against the raging pulse in my wrist. He did not let me linger.

“Come with me,” he barked, turning on his heels and stomping toward the cabin.

I sighed and followed, disappointed in my lack of restraint and in his lack of reciprocation.

Inside the cabin, Kylo tore off his gloves and threw them against a wall. I did not stop to deal with him. Instead, I slipped by him and made my way to my room, not wanting a confrontation. There were days when he was like this. He would snap for no reason or at the slightest provocation. Early in the training, I hadn’t cared because I remained angry at him for everything he had done. At some point, though, my anger had faded away. I couldn’t even remember what I had been angry at. The long days of training had brought new truths to my eyes, and a new purpose filled my mind. I had learned how special I truly was. I had learned that I had come from a line of great warriors. I had a purpose in the universe. My feud with Kylo no longer seemed important. There were bigger things to be mad at. So instead, I actively sought his knowledge while doing everything to avoid his tantrums. For his part, he didn’t seem to care very much how he affected me. He was always so angry. I recognized that anger as a close reflection of how I had always felt. I recognized its usefulness. But I told myself I would use my own anger for a purpose without losing control as he did. I thought I could be better than him.

When I reached my room, I opened the door and was about to step inside when I felt Kylo reach out with his mind and slam the door back into my face. I turned to confront him, but before I could say a word, he had closed the space between us. I gasped as his hand reached around my head and yanked me to him. He dug his lips into mine and pressed his body against me. I gave in slightly but had enough control to push my hands against his chest and resist. But the more I resisted, the harder he pressed. I felt him hard against me and lost my breath, but I didn’t want to give in completely. Despite all that had changed over the past three months, despite the feeling of longing that had been growing inside me, and despite the apathy I had adopted about the things that had happened before, there was still a place inside me that hated him. If that were to change, I reasoned, it would be on my own terms.

“What the fuck was that?” I screamed at him. “You don’t get to touch me!”

I ran the back of my hand against my lips as I looked up at him defiantly. He looked at me confused, trying to form words of protest. But I didn’t let him. I turned and stomped into my room, slamming the door behind me.

I felt him linger on the other side for just a moment, but when I did not respond to his attempts to reach out to me, I heard him walk off. He didn’t return that night.

The next morning, though, I woke early and in a sweat. I had been deep in a dream. It was the same dream that visited me every night since I arrived. I was in the hut. The woman fought. The child cried. The old man consumed everything.

It always took a few moments for Snoke’s crinkled eyes to vanish from my mind when I awoke. But this time, beneath the hollow light of the morning star, Snoke’s wrinkled eyes morphed into the dark narrow eyes of Kylo Ren.

“You’re afraid,” he said. He was sitting next to me on the bed, hovering over my sweating face.

“What are you--” I couldn’t form a sentence. The nightmare had made me delirious, and his dark facade framed by the orange aura coming in from the windows behind him stunned me even more. He had a naked hand on my cheek. His cold skin settled my racing heart, and I felt myself awake fully from the nightmare.

“And you feel regret.”

I shook my head. “What? No. Why would I feel regret? What do I have to regret?”

“I know that feeling better than you know,” he whispered.

“I don’t--”

“You give everything to others, and it’s never enough. Or you do nothing, and the thought of it cripples you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, suddenly feeling competing feelings of rage and desire. He was speaking past me, as if he knew there was a deeper consciousness in my mind he was now reaching. My conscious self did not understand his meaning, but deep in my bones, I felt a deeper connection to his words than I had ever felt to anything or anyone.

“I’ve given everything to him,” he said, the last word coming off his tongue like spit. “And you did too. You just didn’t know it.”

“I--”

“And now that you know the truth, you’re afraid.”

I shook my head. “Why shouldn’t I be? Aren’t you.”

He didn’t answer.

I lifted my hand and pressed it against the one he had on my cheek. He looked intently at it. He looked at our hands as if he envied them--as if they were detached from our bodies and were the hands of two strangers. How comforting they seemed to make him feel, yet deeper his longing grew, and I thought for a moment he might break down completely and cry.

“He told me the path to power was to sever connections. To break it all apart. People only disappoint us. They only let us down. Our parents--our ancestors. All they do is leave their messes for us to clean up. All they do is leave us pain.” He moved his eyes from our hands to my eyes. I felt myself tearing up. He couldn’t bring himself to cry. “So I’ve tried to kill the past. But what has it brought me?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He shook his head. “I killed Han Solo. It didn’t make me stronger.”

“You killed who?”

“My father.”

“You killed your father?” I cried. “How could you do something like that? What the hell? Do you know what I would give to--” I stopped. The rest of the thought was too painful. The nightmare returned. I saw my mother--the mother I had never known. She was crying. She was in pain. She would never know who I would become. Behind it all, Snoke sneered. The images terrified me, and I felt the old man’s encompassing darkness fill the room, surrounding us. It was as if he had arrived on our planet and was not outside my door.

Kylo responded by filling the room with that calm he had shown me when I risked falling over the edge.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know what it must sound like, especially to you. But it was supposed to make me stronger. I needed to be stronger. But it--”

“But it broke you instead,” I interrupted. “Good. You deserve to be broken.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” He pulled his hand from my face and turned away from me.

“I know I would give anything to meet my mother. And you--you what? You cared more about power than the person who raised you? Why would I ever feel sympathy for you.”

“I never asked for your sympathy.”

“So then what the hell do you want from me?”

He didn’t move. I reached out and felt his thoughts. They dwelled on my body. I sighed.

“Everytime I think you can’t possibly be any more of a brute, you manage to prove me wrong. I am not some sort of antidote to your psychological trauma. I am worth more than that.”

“I know,” he said, clearly distraught over the implication of my words. “I didn’t--”

“You’re a piece of shit, you know that.”

His panic quickly morphed into anger. “Where the hell do you get off speaking to me like this?” He brought his hand back to my cheek, but instead of the calming presence it afforded me before, not I felt him tug at my skin, pinning my face down against my pillow.

“Let go of me,” I ordered.

“No! Dammit! I’m your master. I’m tired of your attitude.”

“Oh! Isn’t that cute. You’re tired of my attitude. Since the day you walked into my life, you’ve had nothing but attitude! You throw tantrums like a fucking child!” I screamed, shoving my elbow into his side. He winced but didn’t relent. I felt his breath grow warmer on my face as he lowered his face closer.

“You’re fucking annoying,” he whispered.

“You’re a fucking monster,” I said with a gasp.

“Say it again.” He moved closer. The tip of his nose neared mine, and I could see my reflection in his eyes. Behind him, the sun grew stronger, basking us fully in its orange light.

“You’re a fucking monster.” I stressed every syllable, pursing and puffing my lips, spitting a little onto his. Neither of us blinked. I dug my elbow deep in his side. He squeezed my cheeks harder, digging his fingers into my bone.

“I am,” he said, licking his lips. “And you love it even if you won’t admit it.”

I couldn’t get out a gasp before his lips were on mine, his tongue over mine, his body on top of mine. I dug my hands into the back of his head and lost them in his hair. He shoved his hips into my mid section, and I automatically spread my legs, lifted them, and wrapped them around his back. He didn’t miss a beat. I felt his hands tearing at my shirt, ripping it down the seam. He took a moment to lift his head from my lips and look down at my naked chest. He groaned like an animal and pressed his pelvis harder against me as he tilted my jaw up and buried his teeth into the smooth skin just above my collar bone. I arched hard off the bed and dug my fingernails hard into the top of his head as he bit into my skin. The feeling of pierced skin and drawn blood made me even wilder, and I moved my hands down the back of his neck and tugged at his shirt. He seemed annoyed but obliged by leaning back and throwing it off his body in a single, violent motion. Before I could look at him and remember his naked chest, though, he was on me again, working his mouth lower down my chest. Simultaneously, he moved his hands down my sides and yanked off my bottoms. I felt myself fold as he ripped them down my legs and over my feet, but with them gone, my legs wrapped around him again. It felt like a natural position: him between me, pressed hard against me, and my legs tightly crossed around his hard back. I felt him grow harder against me, and that combined with his rough hands squeezing me and then restraining my hands above my head made me moan. My eyes fluttered, and I pushed my hips against him. He responded with a moan of his own.

“I’m going to make sure you can’t walk once I’m done with you,” he said between bites and kisses.

I wanted to accept his challenge but couldn’t come up with any words. He didn’t hesitate. He worked lower--over my breasts, over each rib, and down to my hip bones and thighs. His hands moved down, too, quickly over my face, then one over each breast, and then finally he rested them on my stomach. Each hand was big enough to cover my entire stomach, and I lost my breath as he pressed them firmly against me and worked his cold lips and warm tongue between my legs.

He traced me first, playing along the edges and nipping at the inside of my thighs. I tightened, begging him with my legs to stop screwing around. I felt his laugh as he played with me, but I was in no mood for foreplay. I squeezed my legs together, pressing them hard against his ears and guiding his lips to where I wanted them. He responded with more pressure against my stomach and with an open mouth sucking against my clit. He flicked his tongue and pushed his head against me. I felt my whole body vibrate, and so did he. The feeling gave him more energy, and he sucked harder as he slipped a hand from my stomach and put two fingers inside me, just below where his tongue was. Two fingers quickly turned to three, sending my nerves in different directions. My body tensed. I could feel tears streaming down the side of my face. My legs pulsed as I shoved my pelvis harder into the air, lifting his entire upper body with the effort. I felt myself about to let go completely, but just at the edge, he pressed me down against the bed and released himself from the shackles of my legs. My legs crashed heavily against the bed. My body was still vibrating, but I hadn’t gotten where I wanted.

“Do you think I’m going to let you cum that easily? After how you’ve been acting, you better expect for me to have a little more fun before I allow you to finish,” he said, panting.

“Asshole!” I couldn’t even open my eyes. I was shaking.

“There you go again. You’re only making things worse for yourself.”

“I can take anything you give me,” I cried, halfway between a demand and a challenge.

“Anything?”

“Do your worst.”

He didn’t even need to think of it. His hand reached out to the nightstand. I felt him pull something to him with the Force.

“This should be warm enough,” he said. I heard the familiar hum--the comforting hum--of my lightsabers. He had activated one, and even in the swell of ecstasy I was in--even with my eyes clenched tight together in pain and pleasure--I knew what he held before me.

My insides tightened. He wasn’t fucking around. But I felt a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was dread and anticipation. The hilts warmed when lit. And they were hard and unforgiving. He might kill me, I thought. But at that moment, I didn’t mind.

He moved his free hand between my legs and used his thumb and index finger to open me up. “Beg,” he said, barely audible over the hum of the blade and constant moaning and panting I could no longer control.

“You want me to beg?” I asked between breaths. “For what?”

He didn’t hesitate. I felt the familiar hilt enter me. It was warm and smooth, despite the crevices and protrusions along their body. He moved it with expert control and command, making sure to take advantage of the curved base. He knew how wet I was and knew that would help the hilt glide with ease. I hinged my hips and cried.

“Beg for me to give it to you the way you like it,” he ordered.

I whimpered softly to myself, and he pushed the hilt deeper into me. I let out a loud scream. The pain was too much. It was too good. I wanted it again and again. The blade warmed me. It comforted me. It was a familiar kind of pleasure, like a missing piece meant to complete a puzzle. All I wanted was more. Nothing could dissuade me any longer.

“Please! Please don’t stop!” I screamed out.

“Please what?”

“Please, master!”

“Good girl.”

His wrist got violent. He shoved it in and out, speeding up and pushing hard against me. I worried he’d go so deep inside me, the actual blade would clip me or burn up his hand. But he was smooth and coordinated. He moved it while keeping my legs up and away from the blade. It was a violent thing, but there was great care in how he handled me. That didn’t go unnoticed.

I was panting and screaming at the top of my lungs when I felt his lips fall back down onto mine. I moaned into his mouth as we kissed each other like we were the last two people in the galaxy. I felt it excite him more as he quickly removed the hilt, turned off the blade, and threw the saber away. In a second, his pants were off and he thrusted inside of me. I didn’t think anything could be better than the hilt, but having gone so long without him, the feeling of his body inside of mine was too much, and I felt myself clamp my legs around his body and climax hard into him. He did not stop for a second. His thrusting grew more violent, and my climax turned into another one.

I felt myself ready to collapse, but he seemed to be coming closer to the edge. I held out for him. I felt another climax coming, but I clenched my teeth, tightened my muscles, and held onto it until I felt him tense up. He buried his hands into my shoulders, jammed his head into my collarbone, and pushed hard into me as he finished. I released myself and finished with him. The feeling of our bodies pulsing against each other was the last sensation I could handle before, in sweat and tears, I collapsed onto the bed and he collapsed on top of me. I couldn’t breathe, but I did not care. My mind was scrambled. My body was wrecked. It had been even better than before in our old lives when I was nothing but a stormtrooper. Something had changed between us. Something had clicked. Nothing would ever be the same.

At some point, he rolled off me and fell asleep naked and exhausted. I drifted off just after him. But before I slept, I reached out to the Force and felt his mind. Somewhere past the exhaustion and passion, his mind continued to work. I looked deeper to see what he was thinking.

The images were clear.

A handsome man with a crooked smile. A wookie. The inside of a raggedy old ship. And one word, spoken with love, echoing across the universe but, for some reason, no longer heard. He beamed when the man said the word. But here, now, it seemed to cause him pain. I reached out further to understand that, but he wouldn’t let me. And soon, I was drifting off into my own nightmares with nothing but that forgotten word echoing through my heart. It was a beautiful word. For some reason, it was one of the most beautiful words I had ever heard.

Ben.


	12. Lights in the Darkness

Kylo's arms tightened around my body, and I slowly blinked in an attempt to fully open my eyes. The sun was shining through the window making it even harder to keep my eyes open. I turned to face Kylo and felt my cheeks burn. I tried to control it, but the longer I watched him peacefully sleeping in the golden sun, the warmer my body got. It was the first time I'd seen him in a place like this, naked under the natural light. His hair flopped messily across his face. His breathing was deep but calm. The scar running down his chest seemed to melt into his skin under the light. I ran a finger up his chest and over his cheek, being careful not to wake him. Ben. That was his name, wasn't it? Ben.

The image of his younger self flashed through my mind, but it wasn't long until the image of the dark figure behind the mask replaced it, and Drakri's name echoed in my head. I shook my head and rushed out of the room in a panic. I ran into the bathroom and closed the door before collapsing on the floor with an uncontrollable breath. What had I done? How had I given into him? I swore it would never happen again.

I gathered myself and returned to the room. He hadn't stirred. Quietly, I gathered my clothes and sabers and made my way outside into the cold morning air. The sunlight and the crisp breeze brought me a sense of peace. I had gained a sense of appreciation for the natural environment. It had taught me to be calm. Everyday, I thanked the dirt and brush and trees and sky for not being a cold starship or empty space. I swore I would never go back to living on a ship.

But despite the sense of calm I had found on this planet, a darkness still lingered inside me. I thought it was just from Kylo--from his presence and my anger at all that he had done, but the longer I spent on the planet, the more I realized the anger was somewhere deep within myself, and no matter what I did, I couldn't let it go. I thought I would live with it for the rest of my life.

This morning, I could feel it building even stronger, but I didn't want it to cloud the perfect morning around me. So I ran. I took off deep into the forest and let the thumping of my heart replace my thoughts. When I reached a part of the forest so dense the sun could not shine more than a few scattered streaks, I stopped to catch my breath. I focused on that breath, letting it echo in my mind and take over all the sounds of the forest. I closed my eyes and let the still air rest on my skin. It was cooler this deep in the forest, and without the sun's rising warmth, I felt my body shiver. But it did not matter. I focused on my breath. Slowly, naturally, I felt another presence. It was another breath. It joined my own rhythm, and together our hearts danced to an unheard beat. I reached out with the Force to feel the presence, but there was no living soul. Instead, a voice echoed through the trees, slipping between their trunks and heavy leaves better than the sun could ever hope to.

"Orra. Orara-Sky." It was a woman's voice. She sounded alarmed, as if she had not expected to find me here after looking for many years.

"I'm here. Please, show me you're here with me," I cried out to the emptiness around me.

"Orra-Sky, where are you?"

"I'm right here!" I yelled.

"Tell me where you are so I can find you. Open your mind so I can find you."

I reached out to her voice. I pushed every bit of energy I had and focused it on her voice. It was my mother. I knew it. I could feel her longing. I could feel her despair.

"You're on Tatrang V," she said.

"I'm here," I said as I felt tears fill my eyes. "You found me!"

"I found you."

"You found me!"

"Foolish girl. Did you ever doubt I would?"

The voice suddenly morphed, and the desperation and despair and elation I felt in it shifted to darkness and anger and pride. My mother's voice sunk into a reptilian trill, and suddenly I was afraid.

"Tatrang V, of course," he said. "I see you."

My hands reached for my sabers, but fear gripped me, and I could not lift them from my belt. His laughter grew louder and encircled me, and suddenly the last streaks of mottled light shining through the canopy disappeared, and I was alone in the black forest, constricted like prey in the vice grip of a predator, unable to move or breathe. His laughter echoed off the trees. It shook the ground beneath me and collapsed the stars above. I felt myself cry as my body shook.

And then, without another word, the laughter vanished and the world returned to normal. I looked around but did not see anything. I reached out but did not feel anyone. He was gone, but I suddenly realized I had stepped into a situation I had no understanding of and no power over.

Immediately, I sprinted back to the cabin and rushed into Kylo's room. He was slipping into his boots, sitting on the edge of the bed still in peaceful bliss after the night before. He hadn't even looked up from the floor to see my face before I was screaming at him in panic.

"Sn--Sn--Snoke knows I'm here! He's coming!"

"What!"

"I--I told him accidentally. I don't know--I don't know what happened! He got in my head somehow. I thought he was--someone else."

Kylo didn't even have to think. He was on his feet and summoned his lightsaber from across the room. "We have to go. Now." He was calm but asserted control. "Go get your shit." Any peace or beauty I had seen that morning under the sun was gone now, and back was the cold and commanding master.

I ran to my room and gathered my few things and then met back with Kylo back at the entrance of the cabin. He seized my wrist and yanked me along until we reached his ship. Within a moment, we were in space once again, and I didn't even have time to look back at the forest or look at the sky before everything was black and empty. And once we reached lightspeed, I felt the coldness of space surround me like a freezing blanket, and all the hope and peace I had felt earlier now felt as far away as another galaxy.

"Where are we going?" I asked, uncomfortable with the silence. Kylo hadn't said anything or even looked at me since we got on the ship.

"That's not for you to know. I'm not taking any chances this time." He was cold, but he didn't seem angry or out of control like I had seen so many times from him. This time, if anything, he seemed concerned. For himself or for me, I could not tell.

"I'm sorry," I said, not wanting to return to silence. "I should have been stronger."

"If you were weak, he would have known you were on Tatrang V when we first got there. He is always listening. Always searching. It took me a long time to learn how to hide from him. But now that you have grown stronger with the Force, I should have realized he would feel you and seek you out too. Just don't--don't let anyone in again." He didn't have to say anything else. I could feel his understanding. It was as if he was there with us and saw what had happened. I hung my head in shame.

"I thought I had stumbled onto something wonderful."

"Don't be a sucker for the past," he said coldly. His anger came through, but it wasn't anger at me. It seemed to be anger at something else. Something distant. "Don't fall for the trap of redemption or revival. Everything that is dead is dead. And if memories pop up, kill them. They serve you no good."

I shook my head. "I just thought--"

"There is nothing real about memories. Let them die."

I wanted to protest, but he seemed resolute, and considering what had happened, I did not want to fight. "Yes, master," I said, and we sat in silence for the rest of the trip.

#

He took me to another empty planet, though this one didn't seem to have a sun. It was perpetually clad in a grey pall, and cold rain always seemed on the tip of sky only to never fall. The planet was covered in lush forests, but these ones were not lively like on Tatrang V; instead, they groaned with death and overgrown weeds. The only life seemed to be the reptiles, bugs, and poisonous monsters that lurk deep in the trees, always ready to strike. My newfound appreciation for planetary life dissipated as we stepped out of the ship and into the hollows of this new hell. Kylo, for his part, strode off the ship and into the forest with command, as if he had already conquered this world and owed it no respect or fear. I followed in his long shadow.

"I feel like gravity is crushing down on me," I told him as we walked to a small hut deeper into the trees.

"The Force is alive here. It can either amplify your power or bury it. In your case, it's burying it. That will help us," he said, not turning to me.

His voice felt distant and warped, as if it came to me from underwater. Other voices off into the forest called out to me, whispering my name with what sounded like ill intent.

"The forest is calling to me," I said--or at least, I think I said it aloud. I couldn't be sure. Everything felt muffled. My ears popped, and the vibrations in my chest were the only things that convinced me I was still alive.

"You can't enter that forest until you're ready. If you go in there now, you'll be vulnerable to Snoke again," Kylo spoke with force, but even though I followed close behind him, he sounded far away.

"Do you think it's Snoke? Has he already found me?"

"No. But there's no sense answering and risking it. Just be patient. Now come on."

I followed him to the hut, but I could not abandon the forest. I felt more than voices or even a presence this time. Now, I felt eyes on me. They glowed blue in the dark, but they did not belong to a creature. I wished to reach out to them, but the effort seemed paralyzing. So I followed Kylo instead, using everything I had to keep myself moving.

The hut was ancient. There was nothing in it but a hearth, a cot, and a small room that I figured was for washing. Kylo moved swiftly, lighting the hearth, unloading his gear, and taking my possessions and laying them carefully by the cot. He guided me to it and let me fall into its soft embrace. The hearth warmed the small space instantly, and I felt safe and comfortable for the first time since we'd left Tatrang V.

Kylo didn't speak. He moved around the space, tinkering with everything in the hut. I heard a distant rumble of thunder from somewhere out in the forest. It overtook the voices and the pressure of the world, and on the tip of my nose, I smelled rain. But no rain came, and soon the crackling of the hearth and the dancing of the fire on my eyelids dominated my senses. I felt myself drift into sleep, but before it took me completely, Kylo was at my side. He placed a wide hand on my shoulder and rubbed my skin. His touch woke me and lulled me deeper to sleep at the same time. I felt myself halfway between reality and a dream, and all that happened over the past few months raced across my mind.

"That night when I felt the holocron," I said, babbling somewhat incoherently, "when I went into the woods--I felt like I wasn't alone. Someone was with me. Who was it? Who was it? I've been looking for them ever since. They haven't come back. Who was it?"

"Don't dwell on it," he said coolly. "It was probably Snoke. It's always Snoke."

"Maybe. But--no. No! It wasn't. Not that night.

"Look, you can't go talking to whoever says your name. The Force is strange. There are many voices out there. Until you're fully trained, you can't be taking any risks. You could end up getting the both of us killed. Do you understand?"

He was forceful, but I felt his concern for me. He squeezed my shoulder gently to reassure me, and I felt myself fall deeper into my exhaustion.

"Yes." I thought I would drift fully into sleep, but suddenly I had another thought. "Tell me something."

"What?"

"Who's Ben?"

He didn't answer, but I felt his soft grip on my shoulder tighten into something different--something far from comforting. My drifting consciousness snapped back to reality, and I sat up to face him. His face was stern but shifting as the light and shadows from the hearth danced across his long face.

"No, nevermind. I know who Ben is. It's you."

He didn't answer, but I could see the confusion in his eyes.

"Look, I sensed it. I--saw it. Last night, when you were sleeping. I saw you and some--"

"You stay out of my mind," he seethed.

"Funny how you can rummage through mine, but I can't do the same to yours. Honestly, if you're going to teach me how to use the Force, you shouldn't be surprised when I use it."

He opened his mouth to respond, but he couldn't find the words. Instead, he stood and turned from me. I watched him stand by the fire, looking down on it like some old man contemplating its heat. I felt his anger rise as he clenched his fists. I felt him reach out to the Force. I couldn't tell if he was trying to calm himself or feed off of it. That old tight feeling around my neck returned, and I feared I had gone too far for some reason.

But what did I have to lose? I decided to push further.

"Are you just going to choke me again so you can avoid talking to me."

He turned and glared at me, his face full of desperation. His lips trembled as he stared me down, but I felt strength rise within me, and I wasn't afraid. I held his gaze and pushed back with the Force, letting him know I was no longer at his mercy.

He didn't hold my stare long. In fact, I felt his anger subside rather quickly, replaced by some deep pain or regret or something. He turned back to the hearth and leaned against the mud wall of the hut in exasperation.

"Yeah, it's my name. Well, it used to be." His voice was quiet and unsure. I had never heard him speak with such uncertainty. His voice barely registered over the crackling wood in the hearth. "I was named after a man I didn't even know, and then I was expected to follow that man's legacy. I never want to hear that name again."

I tried to reach out to him with the Force again, but he blocked me. I didn't fear his anger, For the first time, though, I could tell there was sadness rooted in the deepest part of his heart. Like old rotting weeds, it had dug deep into him and had spread out, killing whatever had existed before. For the first time, I felt like I understood him, though I did not know what had led him to this point.

"Who was he?" I asked.

He shook his head and dropped his shoulders further. "I'm done speaking about this."

I didn't push him further. "Where are you going to sleep?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"On the cot, obviously," he said curtly.

I would have protested or played with him, but he suddenly seemed defeated. I had obviously touched a nerve, and I had dug deep into a part of him he had obviously tried to hide from me. But regardless of his desire to hide it, I wanted to know more. For the first time, I felt like I understood him. And it seemed like he was the same as me. There was anger there, sure, but there was sadness too. Something had led him to this point, just as something had led me. The bleakness of the galaxy. The emptiness of humanity. The abandonment of love. I felt it all emanating from his tired broad shoulders.

I beckoned for him to come lay down. It had been a long day. He obliged without a word. I felt him fall asleep in just a handful of breaths. I wrapped an arm around his turned shoulder. My arm wasn't long enough to reach around him completely, but it was enough. He passed into a dreamless, thoughtless sleep, and I felt myself lulled into one as well, this time deep and in perfect rhythm with his beating heart, with the jumping flames of the hearth, and with the soft rumblings of distant thunder out in the murky, mysterious world had had taken me to.

#

Orra-Sky ... Orra-Sky ...

My body jolted from sleep, and I pivoted on the cot to look out the window opposite from me. The blue eyes from before were out there, glowing in the distance. I shook Kylo's shoulder, but he did not stir.

Orra-Sky ..

I squinted out into the forest, but the eyes disappeared, dancing deeper into the darkness and away from the light of the fire. I carefully maneuvered my way off the cot and walked out into the night. For a fleeting second, I felt fear and worried that Snoke had found me once again. But that feeling washed over me and evaporated, replaced by a cool, stiff rain and the feeling of purpose.

I made my way to the forest entrance and stood in front of it for a second before pulling the lightsabers off my hip and clenching them in my hands. I turned back and looked at the hut knowing Kylo would kill me if he woke up to see I'd left. I felt the urge to go back to him, but I couldn't. The voice consumed my thoughts. I stepped forward past the first trees and into the deep. It was like stepping into a deep part of space with no ships or stars, but the trees seemed to bend at my will to reveal an unseen path. I stepped deeper into its heart, unafraid and ready for anything. After a few steps, I looked back to the hut, but it was gone now. Only the darkness existed. Kylo was gone. Snoke was gone. It was just me and the night. I pushed on.

Deeper into the woods, the invisible path became clearer in my mind. The voice calling out to me grew louder. It was a soft voice. A man's. Much different than Kylo. This voice seemed kind and honest, if a bit scarred and fading. He kept repeating my name, and I followed his calls with earnest.

Finally, the glowing blue of his eyes appeared before me, though they were still far in the distance and most likely behind a slew of trees and brush. I lifted my sabers and ignited them, using their light to peer deeper into the void.

The rain grew louder and fizzled against my blades, and as I held them up and squinted into the darkness, the glowing blue eyes seemed to rise and bounce in the night. Slowly, as if gliding like a ghoul, the lights rounded an invisible corner and stepped closer to me. Around them, the figure of an old man appeared. He was clad in a brown robe and wore a small white beard. His eyes, the only thing glowing before, now gave way to an entire glowing body, old and fragile and meek. I noticed immediately the saber hanging from his belt, but he didn't move to raise it. Instead, he stood before me and offered a sly little smile. The rain fired through him, but he seemed unaffected by it all. I felt my hands tremble in his presence and under the rain, but his presence disarmed me, and I felt a strange sense of familiarity.

With a slight nod, he locked eyes with me and sent a wave of warmth through the cold darkness. "Hello there," he called, as if I was a lost child in an unfamiliar world. I nodded and tried to speak, but I didn't have the words. "Now what do we have here?" he asked playfully, obviously knowing the answer to his question but speaking in a way that made me think he only wished to amuse himself.

I lowered my sabers and felt myself suddenly out of breath. I tried to speak, but the only words I could muster were my name. "Orra-Sky. I'm Orra-Sky."

"Yes, that you are. And I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's good to meet you, Orra-Sky. Why don't we sit and have a chat?"

His voice disarmed me, and I obliged. As I unlit my sabers, the darkness slowly cleared. Suddenly we were in the middle of the forest again, and the rain gave way to a cool, empty breeze.

He gave a slight bow and turned toward a small, collapsed branch before us. I followed in his ghostly glow.


	13. The Emptiness of the Past

We sat in silence only listening to the patter of the rain and distant murmurs of the forest. I watched him carefully. He seemed to take in the entire planet in an aloof yet focused way. He wore a brown robe over a white tunic. His eyes were crisp. His body gave off an aura similar to the glow of a lightsaber, except blue and warm and inviting. The white mess of hair on his head fell down clumsily into a weak looking beard, and his face was long with deep wrinkles full of memories. When he looked at me, I sensed indecision. But there was warmth there, too, and many unspoken things.

“You have her eyes,” he said, breaking the silence between us.

“I--I’m sorry?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. Tell me, do you know my name?” he asked.

“Kenobi? No. Never heard of you. Are you--a ghost?”

He chuckled. “No, certainly not.”

“Then--”

“The Force moves in many ways, young one. In time, I’m sure you’ll discover more of its mysteries.”

“Where do you come from?” I asked.

“Where! Oh, I suppose I come from many places. But I was once a Jedi Knight. I spent a good deal of my time in the core worlds and a good deal of my time in the Outer Rim. And where do you come from, young Orra-Sky?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

“Well, that’s certainly not good. Why have you forgotten such an important thing?”

“I was trained to forget. I--I don’t know if I ever really knew. But I--well, I shouldn’t be saying these things to you. My master would forbid it, surely.”

“Master, you say?”

“Yes. Kylo Ren. He is my master.”

“I see,” he said, looking away and off in the direction of our hut. I could feel him peer into the distance. I sensed he knew more than he seemed to be letting on. Something about him was familiar.

“But I feel like I’ve found something now that I’ve been searching for. It’s strange. Almost like you’ve been in my head for a long time. I can’t explain it.”

“And how do you know that, young one?” he asked, now gazing at me with an amused look on his face.

“Because I sense you’ve been looking for me too,” I said, the words almost acting independent of my mind. “But I know my master won’t approve, so I’m not sure what to do.”

“Ah, I don’t think Ben will mind,” he said, looking off again and smirking to himself.

I flinched, and his smile widened.

“I think I have a good read on him. But it does seem you might have the same fatal flaw as I did,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“Trusting a Skywalker. Although Ben’s mother and uncle turned the galaxy around for a while, it seems young Ben prefers to follow the steps of his grandfather.”

I couldn’t understand what Obi-Wan was saying, but hearing of Ben’s mother shook me. I suppose I had never even thought of him in that way--as a person with a family. As a child. As a vulnerable lifeform.

“I was once his grandfather's master,” Obi-Wan said. “Long before his grandfather became Darth Vader, I trained Anakin from the time he was a little boy. He was like a brother to me, and I loved him very much. And I failed him in the worst way a master can fail a padawan. I fostered an anger in him that I now sense in young Kylo. Anger. Fear. Hate. Aggression. A sad cycle are they, my old master would certainly say.”

“Anger gives us strength,” I countered.

He turned and offered me a small half smile. “A strong master he’s been to you, and in so short a time.”

“He is a powerful man.”

“Yes. It’s in his blood.”

“He answers to no one.”

He shook his head, though his smile wouldn’t leave his face. “That, my young friend, is where you are wrong.”

I shook my head, but I knew Obi-Wan was right. The image of the supreme leader’s withered face flashed across my mind. I felt his dark pull once more, but I pushed it away.

“You’d be better served moving on from these dark men,” Obi-Wan said, leaning closer to me. “There’s so much conflict already inside you. I fear any more time with them will split you apart.”

“And what would you know about any of this? What do you know about anything? I--I trust my master. He has saved me from the awful life I had before. He’s awoken my true self.”

“Has he now? And who’s to say who you really are? I wonder if you even know your true self, young one. So wrapped up in all the undefinable complexities of your heart, you’ve forgotten everything that has made up your being. Tell me, what do you remember of anything from your past? Even from your life before Ben began twisting your mind?”

I shook my head and slammed a hand against the log we sat upon. “Who are you to lecture me, old man?” I yelled. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“Those who react in anger are the least likely to possess answers,” he lectured, “and the most likely to know nothing.”

I stood and moved to leave him. To return to Kylo. Deep in my heart, I felt a connection to Obi-Wan, but Kylo’s pull on me was stronger. Even now I could feel his darkness calling to me. Louder than Snoke’s. Louder than Obi-Wan’s warmth. It was Kylo’s touch and deep voice and dark eyes that chained me down. He had done me no wrong that I could now remember. He was more than just the angry dark presence that terrified the First Order. He was my master, and I had to love him.

“I sense your grandmother’s courage in you, young one,” Obi-Wan called out to me as I left him. “And I sense your mother’s strength.”

The mention of my mother froze me. The memory of the holocron returned. She stood between me and the darkness. She was my shield, and I her precious treasure. And then I saw more. I saw a small village filled with men in armor and silver helmets. I heard my mother’s voice sing to me as she laid me to bed. I heard the familiar, warming glow of a lightsaber. And I heard the name Ben echo from my mother’s mouth when we were alone in our house and away from all the peering eyes and ears of the galaxy.

Here was my mother’s father. I could see it. I could see her. The sharp eyes. The cunning smirk. The warm glow.

I returned to the log and sat next to him again. He returned his gaze to the trees and the ground and the sky. Everything seemed to catch his interest and remind him of some distant memory. He would often smile to himself as if he had just conjured a joke in his head that was beyond any normal person’s understanding. I found him to be wise without even saying anything. I found him to be familiar.

“You’re my grandfather,” I said, the word not seeming real on my tongue.

“An absent one, unfortunately,” he said. “Though I do hope you’ll forgive me for that. There were--pressing matters at hand that detained me for the longest time, and as I’m sure you know, the galaxy is a very complicated place.”

I nodded.

“But you, more than anything, are Satine’s legacy, and now that you have found your place in the Force, it is my responsibility to help you. That’s all she would want, I know.”

“My grandmother.”

“A difficult woman, to be sure,” he joked. “Not unlike you, it seems.”

I smiled for a second without feeling, but my thoughts returned to Kylo.

“And what are you going to help me with exactly?”

He nodded. “Well, as anger repeats itself in a cycle, so too does chaos, it would seem. Luke tried his best, but Ben has plunged the galaxy into despair once more, just as his grandfather did. And at the behest of a shadow, just like with Anakin.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“It means Ben must be stopped, or the First Order will return the tyranny of the Empire to the galaxy.”

“He hasn’t done--” I stopped myself. I couldn’t bring myself to defend him. I remembered the screams on Jakku. I remembered the stories of Kylo Ren we had all been told during our training. I remembered Drakri.

But then I pushed it all out again. It wasn’t worth dwelling on. Kylo had been dealt an unfair hand. He had been hurt. He had been betrayed by an unfair universe. Hadn’t I suffered the same way?

“How easy it is to see ourselves as victims when all our actions come by our own hands,” Obi-Wan mused.

I shook my head. “Don’t lecture me. You don’t know anything about what I’ve been through.”

He smirked again. “That is true. Only you know your heart. But I’ve seen many things, young one. And with experience comes wisdom.”

“And outdated knowledge.”

He responded to my taunt with a smile. “I think in time you’ll see that the anger you carry is heavier than any mask you ever had to wear. And in time, you’ll see that Ben’s fear and anger are just as heavy. I only hope you’ll see that true love is built on courage and strength and friendship. Not on passion.”

He let that last word hang in the air. I buried my face in my hands if only to compose my expression, but when I lifted my head to rebuke him, his ghostly facade had disappeared, and I was left alone in all my guilt and shame.

#

He sat across from the cot next to the burning flame of the hearth. The flame reflected off his skin as he watched me drift into sleep. But I couldn’t fully escape from reality. My mind raced in countless directions, and no matter how hard I focused to reach out on a single thought, everything slipped through like water falling through outstretched fingers. I hadn’t spoken to him since I returned. I didn’t know what to say to him. And he didn’t ask. He had tried to reach out through the Force and feel it, but I blocked him, and he didn’t try again. Now, as my mind raced further and stopped me from sleep, the warmth from the hearth failed to reach me, and I began to shiver. He didn’t hesitate. He took off his robe, laid beside me, and draped the cloth over the both of us. The feeling of his skin stopped my shivering, but it couldn’t stop my mind.

“What are we doing anymore?” I asked absently.

“What do you mean?”

“What is this thing we have? What is the purpose of it?”

He didn’t answer.

“I just don’t know who I am. I never have. And I don’t think I ever will,” I said.

He didn’t say a thing.

“It’s like there’s a hole in the center of my head, and everything that is supposed to stay inside is constantly spilling. There’s no reason for the hole. I don’t know how it got there or who put it there. But everything that normal people have locked inside their heads escapes mine, and I always feel like I’m nothing.”

He held me tighter.

“I have no reason anymore to feel this way, but I do. I fear I always will.”

He let this last statement drift away into silence and then asked, “Did you find what you were looking for today?”

“Yes,” I said.

“And it didn’t help?”

“No.”

“Was it what you expected?”

“No.”

He brought a hand to my face and ran his thumb gently across my lips.

“All I found was my family's disappointment.”

I spoke into his thumb, and it stopped moving.

“I know something about that,” he said. “The only remedy is to let memories die. We must leave the past where it is and forge ahead with none of the burdens of those who came before us.”

I felt him reach out with the Force, but I blocked him.

“Why are you shutting me out?” he asked. I sensed annoyance in his tone.

“I think I need to do this on my own,” I said.

“Look, I know what you’re going through. I went through the same thing.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Look--it’s--it’s all Luke’s fault. My parents abandoned me, okay? And Luke, he--he abandoned me too.”

“Luke? The man you’ve been after?” I asked. Kylo had mentioned him often, but he had never explained.

“Yes. He was my master, but he abandoned me. He was supposed to be family. They told me he was family. But all he ever did was turn on me and leave me to die in the cold.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“The only way to live after something like that is to leave it all behind. You must destroy everything the people who hurt you ever stood for. You must forge your own path and make your own destiny, and you must never be subservient to anyone ever again.”

“And what about Snoke?”

I felt him shake his head behind me. “I’m biding my time.”

“And me?”

“What about you?” he asked.

“Why must I be subservient to you?”

I felt his teeth nibble against the back of my neck. The chills returned. “Well,” he said, “it’s a temporary thing. Soon, we will be partners.”

“Oh, that’s a good word.”

“And nobody will have power over us. Nobody will be able to abandon us or hurt us or tell us what to do. We’ll do what we want, and we’ll bend the galaxy between the strength of our fingers. Orra, the only way to get through this life is to dominate it. If I’ve learned anything through the Force, it’s that. You must be the master of your own existence. You must feed off the anger the universe has gifted you.”

He intertwined little nibbles and kisses between his words. I felt him press his body hard against me, and instinctively, I leaned into him. His hands drifted down and over my chest, encompassing the whole of me and clutching me with the strength of a vice. I succumbed to his touch and his warm body, turning myself into his arms and his lips and every wish he had of me. Soon, my clothes were off. His were off. He was inside of me. We moved together as one under the dancing flames of the hearth, and all other things in the universe seemed to melt beneath its fiery glow.

“I’ll follow you anywhere,” I heard myself repeating over and over again as he moved in and out of me. “I’ll follow you anywhere,” as I shook and pulsed and sweat poured over my naked body. “I’m yours forever,” as he sucked his breath in and dug his chin hard into my chest. As he squeezed the skin of my back with clenched, digging fingers and with no regard for pain. There was too much pleasure to think of any of it. To think of the pain or the emptiness or the hole in my head. Obi-Wan’s facade drifted from my mind just as Drakri’s crystal blue eyes had. Just as FM’s last goodbye had. Just as the cries on Jakku had. We were the only two people left in the galaxy, and all that had ever happened died with the dying hearth as we finished and collapsed into sleep, the final embers of the fire whimpering in pathetic cracks as the glowing heat turned to nothing but cold, lifeless wood.


	14. The Turn

The days went on, and my training lagged. Kylo and I clicked, but my conversation in the woods with Obi-Wan had wounded me, and I made every excuse to Kylo to avoid the woods, as if Obi-Wan could only appear there. Kylo, for his part, did not push me on my hesitation to go back into the woods. He intensified my training, but at the same time, he let me venture off across the planet on my own to scavenge for food and supplies, or just to meditate.

In all my journeys into the heart of the empty planet, one thing pushed me on: the need to become stronger. Obi-Wan had spoken of Kylo’s master. The supreme leader. It hadn’t crossed my mind before that Kylo could ultimately choose him over me, if the choice presented itself. But now, with Obi-Wan’s words in my mind, and despite my commitment to Kylo, I knew I had to, above all else, look out for myself. And the only way to do that was to become the strongest Force wielder in the galaxy. Stronger than Kylo. Stronger than Obi-Wan. Stronger than Snoke.

The planet’s wilderness was vast and treacherous. Each day presented its own challenge, but as I conquered the days, my grasp on the Force grew. Where it had once been an elusive feeling that always seemed just outside my reach, it now became more like a well-worn glove, fitted and one with my body. Where as before it would only come to me through fear and desperation, now it was like a clear memory, recalled in perfect detail upon command. It gave me warmth and confidence. It guided me through uncertainty and illuminated every path when there seemed to be none. It had become like a friend who would never leave me, and in its consistency and unconditional commitment, I felt a sense of confidence, happiness, and purpose that I had never felt before.

My days alone in the wilderness of that nameless planet were the happiest I had ever known. But they came crashing to a quick end the day I returned to our hut. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but when I returned, I felt great anxiety and distress emanating from the hut. I reached out with my senses, cleared my mind, and crept slowly to the window above our bed to look inside. There, Kylo knelt before the hearth and before a hologram. In it, the supreme Leader sat hunched in his throne with a scowl on his face.

“How pathetic you are if you can’t even track down such a novice,” he groaned, his deep voice booming through the hut and slicing through the facade of confidence and calm I had just felt. Just the sight and sound of him made me quiver into something small. It was like I was a stormtrooper again, anonymous and hidden behind the veil of my helmet.

“Supreme Leader, I’m doing everything I can. I’m covering the entire galaxy in search of her,” Kylo said, the desperation in his voice palpable.

“I expect you to find her within the next couple of days, Ren. Or I’ll send someone to find the both of you.”

“If I could just--if you could just tell me why you need her so bad, master. Who is she, really? What is she to us?”

“My motivations are not the business of anyone but myself. Two days, Ren. That is as long as my patience will last. Do not fail me again.”

Snoke faded from the room, leaving Kylo still and shattered. I felt his rage rise, and I worried he would lose control. But beneath the rage, I watched a scared man tremble in frustration and confusion. He seemed unable to grasp the reasons for his situation. He seemed bewildered by his inability to fulfill whatever orders his master had given to him. And deeper than that, I felt another pain. A deeper pain. A pain of longing and guilt. It was the same feeling I had sensed before. I didn’t think he’d ever let me in to understand it.

“We’re out of time,” he said, calling out to me without moving. His acknowledgment of my presence startled me, but with Snoke gone and my cover blown, my earlier connection to the calmness of the Force returned, and I entered the hut right away, looking to console him.

“I heard.”

I crossed the room and touched his shoulder. His trembling slowed.

“He’s been harassing me about you for some time now. Since he almost reached you before. I thought I could keep you a secret, but now he knows.”

“Does he know we’ve been together this whole time? That you’ve been training me?”

“No,” he said. “He only knows you were under my command and you escaped the First Order. I have learned how to run deceptions on him so he does not see the full truth of my mind when he looks. I’ve managed to keep our situation hidden from him. But still, he is obsessed with you now. He felt your energy once, and now he is obsessed.”

“Oh.”

“But I can’t figure it out. There is--there is another one out there. She was his obsession before. But you--he has taken to you and almost forgotten of her. I don’t know why.”

“Her? Is she--the one who gave you the scar?”

Kylo nodded.

“Then that doesn’t make sense. She would certainly be more useful to him than me.”

“I thought so too, but I sense Snoke knows something I don’t. He talks of you like he knows you, but that’s impossible.”

I thought of the vision of my mother and flinched. Kylo noticed.

“What are you hiding from me?”

“Nothing!” I cried.

“I thought we had committed to each other? I thought you had decided to follow me.”

“I did! We did!”

“Then why are you lying to me?” He shook off my hand from his shoulder and stood to face me. I stumbled back to our bed. His broad shoulders towered over me, and I felt his anger rise. “Who are you, Orra? What have you learned from the forest? What are you not telling me? Answer me!”

I shook my head and stumbled over my words. Kylo stepped closer. I thought I had mastered my connection to the Force, but as I tried to use it to shield my mind, instead, it betrayed me. Obi-Wan’s image flashed. We sat together in the forest. He smirked at me. He glowed bluer than a lightsaber. He told me of my family.

Kylo’s face went pale and he fell back onto the ground. I tried to rise and go to him, but he held out his hand, sending a shockwave at me and throwing me against the wall. My back rang in pain as I hit the bed hard.

“His granddaughter?” he hissed, the word seeming to burn his tongue.

“I didn’t know!” I cried.

“That’s impossible!” he screamed, his voice echoing through the hut, bouncing off the walls and reverberating through my ears and over my skin. I felt cold--the same cold I had felt when I first knew him. When he had so much power over me. I felt like I had shaken that--like I had come into my own strength. But here he was now, his massive shadow encompassing my entire body. I was helpless on the bed and at the mercy of his rage.

“I refuse to live in that man's shadow anymore. It’s a cruel universe for you to end up here before me! The force has played a cruel joke on me once again. And all to keep me under his fucking shadow!” He was screaming now. His cold aura had given way to burning fire.

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you get it? Don’t you fucking get it?”

“No! Just talk to me! What is the problem? Please. Please talk to me,” I begged, tears forming in my eyes.

“Ben Kenobi. Really? Ben fucking Kenobi.”

“Ben?” I didn’t understand. But Kylo didn’t give me a chance. He stormed out of the hut, stomping out into the cold on his own. I followed after him, calling his name as he bolted to his ship.

“Hurry up,” he barked without turning.

“Wha--what?” I was out of breath trying to catch up with him while trying to understand what had just happened.

“Get the fuck in the ship!”

“No!” I screamed as he reached the ship. I was a few paces behind him as he lowered the ramp and stepped off the ground and onto the cool metal of the ship. My refusal of his order stopped him, though, and he slammed his fist against the top of the entrance and turned to me with rage burning in his eyes.

“You either listen to your master, or I’ll force you into the damn ship!” he yelled, seething and foaming at the mouth. It seemed like some invisible demon had taken hold of him, and the vulnerable face I had always seen flashes of disappeared forever, replaced by a vengeful, pitiful shell of a man.

I didn’t back down. Instead, I took hold of both of my sabers and waited for him to make a move.

He didn’t bother with grace. Instead, with brute force, he yanked his lightsaber from his belt and ignited its red flame before me. I followed suit, lighting my blades and holding them steady at my side. He hunched over, taking his primary battle stance. I tried to calm myself, but it didn’t work. Between the heat of our sabers and across from the rage Kylo exuded, I felt my own anger rise as well. I welcomed it. It gave me focus. It made me ready. But so was he.

In a flash, he lunged at me, winding his saber back to deliver a heavy blow. I dug my feet in the ground, bent hard in my knees, and blocked his swing with one of my sabers. The force of an actual blow from him--not a training attack--caught me off guard, but I held my own. I felt my feet dig deeper into the ground, and the vibration through my arm seemed to paralyze one side of my body, but my anger with him was strong, and countered. I brought my other saber up to slash at him, but he was quicker than me and stopped my swing with the Force. I tried to push through it, but his energy was like an entire star pushing down on me.

So I relented. I pushed back off the ground and flipped away from him. When I landed, though, he was already dashing at me and winding up for another full swing. I avoided it by rolling under him, using his momentum against him. He turned and swung horizontal, but I ducked and pushed him back with a Force push. He merely slid a foot or two before stopping himself and loading up another blow.

“Why are you doing this?” I cried out as I rolled out of the way of another strike. “Why are you so angry?”

“Shut up!”

“What did I do? Let me help you?”

He brought another blow down, but I blocked it and rolled on my hips sideways and away from him. He didn’t relent. He was on me again.

“I would never want help from a Kenobi,” he seethed, crashing his jagged red sword on my crossed sabers. I pushed back and took the offensive, swinging wildly in a flurry of high and low swings. He blocked each with ease, carefully stepping backwards with perfect balance.

“You’re such a hypocrite,” I taunted between swings. “What happened to letting the past die?”

“Fuck you!”

He bellowed the words with such command, force, and commitment, but I could see the slightest flicker of doubt as he rebuffed me. My anger instantly faded as I recognized the lie. He wasn’t angry with me. He was angry with others. With the universe. With himself. But here was a man who didn’t know how to handle such abstract anger. All he knew was to attack.

I knew what I had to do.

I attacked with one more flurry of strikes until pushing him just slightly off balance, then I used the Force to push him even further back against a tree. As his body crashed against the wood and he lost his focus for a moment, I called upon the Force to push me up and backwards toward the ship and away from my opponent. I landed soft and unlit my sabers, hoping to end the confrontation.

“Who cares who is who and what happened before,” I called out to him. “Let me help you.”

For a moment, I thought he would listen to reason. He took a moment to collect himself, stand up, shake his head for focus, and then he lowered his saber to his side. Then he looked down and took a deep breath, and I felt the anger and rage vanish. He replaced it with that cold command he was so good at calling upon. I took a step toward him, hoping my words had reached his heart.

But in an instant, his hand was up, my sabers fell to the ground, I felt my feet lift into the air, and the full force of his grip was around my neck. I felt myself lose all connection to the Force as my body went cold and limp. I thought I saw his lips move as if to say one last thing to me, but my senses were going dark. I thought I saw the pale blue ghost of my grandfather behind him, looking on at the scene in knowing disappointment, but I didn’t know what was real or imagined. Soon, the universe was dark, and I no longer knew anything.


	15. Goodbye

My eyes felt heavy when I was finally able to wake myself up. I sat in the back of Kylo’s ship with my hands cuffed together and tried to regain my senses. I had no idea how long we’d been in space or where we were, but when I looked out the viewing panel, my heart dropped. He had taken us to the Finalizer. We were heading to the supreme leader.

Just as I started to feel my senses return to normal, the dark cloud of Snoke’s energy reached out to me, but even more powerful than that was the sinking feeling in my chest as I watched us enter the docking bay and land. I was back. I never thought I’d have to come back to that cold, empty husk floating in space. I never thought I’d have to go back into the depths of the First Order. But there I was, and I had no power to stop it.

When we landed, Kylo stalked past me. He didn’t bother to look at me, but even behind his helmet, I could feel his tension. He seemed distracted.

“Let’s go,” he said, halfway between a command and a request.

I followed, my hands bound before me, my head drooped. His pace through the docking bay was brisk, and I lingered behind him like a scolded pet. A small group of stormtroopers stopped to watch us as we made our way to the command deck. I couldn’t tell who any of them were. They blended together like stars huddled together in the mist of a spiral galaxy. It was an endless line of white and black helmets and armor. It was strange, but part of me thought I was still in one of those shells. I thought it was fitting that I couldn’t even be sure if that was true--if this body I now occupied was even mine and if my true self was hidden there behind one of those masks.

It didn’t matter, though. I was walking to my death.

We made our way through a long corridor before reaching the lift to take us to the supreme leader’s chamber. I was relieved when we entered the lift and vanished from the other troopers. I didn’t want to run into someone I knew--didn’t want someone to approach us or to say something to me about how I’d abandoned everyone I’d ever known. I just wanted to disappear.

“Let me take off your restraints for you,” Kylo said as we rose to Snoke’s level.

“Are you sure your master would be okay with that?”

“It wouldn’t make a difference if you were in restraints or not. You don’t even have your weapons.”

He made his way in front of me and slowly removed my restraints before tossing them to the side on the floor. He then lifted his hand to the side of my face and yanked my chin up to look at him.

“I should have seen it. With your strength and the bond I felt with you, I should have known you were a Kenobi. Had I known, it would have saved the both of us this pain.”

“Don’t sit here and act like you care about betraying me,” I said, pulling my face from his hand and looking away.

“You have no idea what all of this has done to me,” he said, somewhat angry, somewhat defeated.

“Spare me. But it doesn’t matter. If you can be cruel, I can be cruel. You have no idea what I’m capable of.” I smirked as I felt him stiffen beside me. I didn’t even know what I meant by the threat, but disdain and anger took hold of me, and even though I resolved myself to my own fate, I decided I would do whatever I could to take him down with me.

The lift slowed and the door then quickly flew open, and I saw inside Snoke’s throne room for the first time. The walls were clad in tall red banners draped from the ceiling and flowing to the ground like frozen waterfalls of blood. A handful of red guardsmen stood motionless in front of the banners, and in the center of it all, Snoke sat hunched and lazy on his throne. From across the room, I locked eyes with him. His face looked melted, and his body was like a snake beneath his golden robe. He didn’t look like a man or an alien. He looked like a creature conjured from the deepest, slimiest part of the galaxy. He looked at me with a pathetic smirk, and I narrowed my gaze and tapped deeper into my anger. Here was the thing behind all of it. Here was the man who had killed my mother, who had taken me as a slave, and who had twisted my destiny into an empty void, leaving me a useless shell. I felt his dark aura surround me, but I pushed back against it with my own rage.

Kylo pushed me forward, and we stepped into his grand shadow. Kylo kneeled before him. I seethed, and the supreme leader bellowed. His laugh echoed around the chamber and slithered its way over me. I cringed, but nothing could distract me from my anger.

“Oh, certainly that’s the Mandalorian in you. Definitely not the Jedi!” he mused, his voice deep like roaring thunder.

I wanted to taunt him, but I didn’t know what to say.

“So proud. So misguided,” he said, shaking his head. “Ren, her lightsabers.”

Kylo rose and approached the supreme leader. He placed my lightsabers beside Snoke, one on each arm rest of his throne. Snoke examined my blades mockingly then laughed, seemingly embarrassed by my weapons.

“Well, at least you didn’t fail me this time, Ren. I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses with this one. So easy it is for these ones to suck us in. But I’m glad you got what you wanted out of her, and now you’ve brought her to her true destiny.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Kylo said, bowing as he retreated back to me.

“Now I sense you are ready to serve me even more, young Master Ren.”

“Yes,” Kylo said. He sounded like a shell of himself. The life in his voice had left him.

“To kill the kin of your namesake! Oh, how poetic!”

“It is as you’ve always said,” Kylo said, turning to me.

Snoke laughed. “It is your destiny.”

“Very well then.” Kylo stood tall before me, towering over my defeated body. All the anger and rage still pushed me forward, but I didn’t see any way out of this. For a moment, I felt a shiver of acceptance run through my body, and I clearly saw my demise.

Snoke loved it. “Ha! She’s more accepting of death than her mother was. How disappointing.”

The taunt jolted me, and my focus returned. I pushed out the self-pity and acceptance and focused once more on my rage. I looked at Kylo and studied his frame. He seemed unsure of himself. No. He knew. He knew what I was thinking. And he wasn’t going to stop me. I looked at Snoke, but he hadn’t been able to pierce my newfound focus. I stared at him in contempt, letting him think my final thoughts were going to be controlled by him. Dictated by him, as my entire life had been. But he didn’t know the true power within me. The power in my blood. He didn’t know the resolve I had learned in my training. And he didn’t know my renewed sense of purpose I had found as I had become my true self. As I had shed my mask and become an individual.

Not yet, I told myself.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Kylo lit his saber. I felt its crackling energy warm my face. He was close, but I was fast enough to do it. I only had a moment. I only had a second.

I reached out and focused on the Force. I projected a feeling of acceptance once more, pushing it through the room. Kylo flinched as he tried to grasp the reality of what I was about to do.

But he didn’t stop me.

Not yet.

Snoke took the bait, though. He lifted his head to the air and let out a deep laugh. And that was the moment. That’s what I had counted on.

His eyes are closed. Now!

I conjured the Force with my right hand, summoning one of my blades. As it reached my hand, I pushed with my other hand, igniting the other saber. Its pale blade sliced right through Snoke’s body, appearing on the other side of him with no obstruction or difficulty. Snoke’s face contorted. He tried to look down at his death, but every connection in his brain must have been severed. As his top half collapsed to the floor, I yanked the saber to my free hand and stood with both of them before me. I met Kylo’s surprised posture. Behind his helmet, I felt his indecision. He was halfway between an amused grin and a concerned grimace. It didn’t matter. Whether he was with me or not, it did not matter. I had made my own decision. I had become a fully realized person. I had finally shed my final mask. And now I was going to survive.

The guards moved in before Snoke’s smoking body even hit the floor. Kylo didn’t have a moment to make a decision. He acted, as I did, on instinct, and together, we raised our blades to fight. The guards surrounded us, but we took the offensive. Kylo moved first, lifting his heavy saber high above his head and striking down at one of the guards in front of him. The sheer force of Kylo’s weight surprised the guard, and the strike made him stumble on his back foot. But he couldn’t regain his footing, because I leapt from behind Kylo and dug my blade into the guard’s chestplate. He fell with a clank, but two more guards replaced him. Kylo stepped in front of me once again to guard, and he blocked two blows simultaneously with his saber then used his free hand to yank one of the guards past him and at me. I met the flying body with two pointed blades. The force of them stopped the guard’s body, and I pushed into it and buried him on the floor.

By the time I removed my blades from his body, Kylo had already taken out the other guard. Three guards remained, but they were no match for us. Kylo and I moved without speaking. We knew each other’s intentions and movements. It was like a dance we had performed a thousand times before. He used his power to knock the guards off their feet, and I used my quickness to engage after they’d lost their balance. I struck another guard down as Kylo knocked another guard’s weapon out of his hand. The stunned guard tried to retreat, but Kylo sliced him down. And just as the last guard moved to strike Kylo, who had his back turned, I threw one of my blades at the leaping guard and cheered as it struck the guard’s chest like a powerful arrow. The blow knocked the guard down, and I was quick to get to my feet and take the thrown blade back from his collapsed body. With all the guards down, I quickly spun to Kylo. He spun to me, and we faced each other with both our blades at the ready, neither of us sure of what had just happened or what was to come.

“You killed him,” Kylo said between heavy breaths.

“You let me.”

“I didn’t think you’d do it. It was supposed to be me! I was supposed to be the one to kill him. I thought you were going to--”

“You were on your knees for him. Excuse me if I didn’t want to chance it.”

“Did you really think I would choose him over you?”

“What was I supposed to think?” I cried. “You brought me to him and took my sabers. You found out who I am and went crazy. How was I supposed to know what was going on in your confused head?”

“I wasn’t going to kill you! I had a plan!” He yanked his helmet off his head and threw it to the side. He was fuming. “But you decided to betray me. Again!”

“Betray you?” I asked, genuinely confused. “We always knew we would kill the supreme leader. What else did you want me to do? Die?”

“It’s in your blood!” he screamed. “You didn’t tell me who you were. And then you took my revenge from me. I loved you! I gave you everything. And look how you repaid me.”

“What are you talking about?”

His lips twitched as he squinted at me. It was as if he was trying to see through me, but all I was feeling was confusion.

“What did I do to you?” I asked.

“You’re just like the rest of them,” he seethed.

“Are you seriously going to do this because I’m a Kenobi?”

“It’s all so clear to me now,” he said. His voice stuttered, and his eyes were like those of a madman. “You used me. Kenobi made you use me.”

“Obi-Wan has nothing to do with this!”

“See! Enough!”

In an instant, he was on me. But I was prepared this time. I channeled my rage into focus and raised my sabers to block his strike. He had caught me off guard before when he’d paralyzed me, but I would no longer fall for any of his tactics. My mind was clear now. I had taken out the supreme leader. I had become the person I needed to be. If Kylo couldn’t handle me, I wouldn’t let him dictate my life any longer. I was done with people telling me what to do. I was done with men who couldn’t stand on my level. If Kylo wished to die, then I would give him his wish.

This battle would not last long. His anger wasn’t focused, and his footwork was sloppy. When he tried to bring another blow down on me, I dropped down and swept a leg at his feet. He crashed hard on the ground and dropped his blade, and in an instant, I rolled toward on top of him and crossed my blades over his neck. He was pinned and paralyzed beneath me, and suddenly, under the searing heat of my blades, I watched his sweaty face turn from anger to fear. That old feeling I had felt when he first took me away from the First Order returned. Drakri returned. FM returned. All I had lost returned. In this moment, that old desire for revenge overtook the newfound love I had felt for the man below me, and I wished to kill him.

“You’re too weak to do it,” he taunted.

I pushed the blades closer to his neck and reached out to the Force. This was the moment. This was the end of every master that had ever tried to pull my strings. I pushed the sabers against his neck and watched the fear grow in his face.

But I couldn’t do it.

My focus left me. Tears filled my eyes. The man beneath me, the man I hated so much, was the man I loved. To kill him would kill me. Not because I needed him. Not because I wished to be his pawn any longer. But because beneath all the masks he wore, he was me. He was just like me. He had been a puppet. He had been stolen. He had had everything he loved taken from him. And now I realized the source of all his moodiness and anger and inability to continually focus. I realized the source of all that had driven him. I realized why I loved him and hated him at the same time.

I loved him, but I had outgrown him. I had learned to control all those things in my life that had worked to destroy me. He had not. He was who I used to be. And I pitied him.

I stood and turned off my lightsabers before returning them to my belt.

“You’re the Supreme Leader now,” I told him. “I held up my end of the bargain. I helped you kill Snoke. I’m going to leave now, and I never want to see you again. I want nothing to do with you anymore. You can’t give me what I need, Kylo.”

I turned away from him and from the chaos we had just unleashed on the galaxy, and I walked away without another look at his scared, pitiful face.


	16. Images of the Past

I had left him. I had actually left him. And with him, I left a part of me. Since he first showed up in my quarters, since he took Drakri away from me, since we left for my training--since all of those things, I had felt a competing desire in my heart. It was a battle between love and hate. I loved Kylo. But I hated him. Leaving him broken and alone to venture off into my own fate left me broken and alone too. But it also left me empowered. For the first time in my life, truly, the path before me was mine to choose.

And yet, I had no idea where to go.

I left the ship and Kylo and the First Order, and decided to venture to the furthest parts of the galaxy. I wanted to get away from everything in my old life, and I wanted to seek out the life that had been taken from me.

Deep into space, I spent hours running through the nav computer looking for an outer rim planet to begin anew. I would need credits. I would need experience. I had the ship I had stolen, but I didn’t want to go far with it because it would be marked, and I wanted there to be nothing for Kylo to track me with.

As I searched through the database of outer rim planets, nothing caught my eye. It seemed the edges of the galaxy were filled with useless, dangerous, wasteful civilizations or planets simply uninhabitable for any but the most vile. As my search widened, I felt myself getting frustrated, but Kylo’s voice rang in my head.

“The Force will always be your guide,” he had taught me.

I shook my head and silenced his voice.

“No more from him!” I yelled into the empty cockpit.

But the longer I searched for a planet, the more I realized his words were true. Even though I had left Kylo, I did not and could not leave the Force. And it would not leave me.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deep, letting the energy of the Force surround me and connect me to the fabric of the universe. I let my hand swipe through the list of planets without a single thought. The energy around me tightened as I got closer to the destination fated to me until finally the energy blared like an alarm, and I stopped the computer on a dry, lifeless looking world. I tilted my head in disbelief, but the feeling was unmistakable. This was my new destiny.

Trusting in the Force, I sighed and resolved myself anew to begin the journey. I plugged in the coordinates and put the ship in hyperdrive. As the stars around me stretched and space turned into a white blur, I retired to the sleeping chamber and fell asleep immediately, dreaming of the possibilities ahead.

#

The twin suns sat high over the empty desert planet, and the rough winds greeted me with a harsh hello. I shuddered at the desert before me, but the Force grew strong and pointed me to the north. With no rations, water, credits, or destination, I followed its direction and headed out into the desert with only my lightsabers to protect me.

Tatooine seemed like the worst planet I had ever been too, but as the day dragged on and turned to a crisp night, I suddenly felt myself in familiar territory. The planet was no different than Jakku, but the familiar feeling did not comfort me. I could still remember the dying villagers there. The hate of Kylo immediately returned, and its energy surged and pushed me on as my throat dried and my legs tired.

I quickly realized how dangerous the desert was at night. With no cover and a bright, pale moon, I worried I would be quick work for experienced local raiders. On a few occasions, I heard horrible shrieks from the far reaches of the sand. But no marauders or bandits appeared, and my trek went on undisturbed, though long and exhausting.

But the Force never let up, and soon I found myself in the midst of a desert hillscape with rocks and tall plateaus. It looked like just the place for an isolated homestead, and indeed, the Force grew stronger as I approached. As the twin suns rose bright in the east, I reached an abandoned hill and saw the sad remains of an old, crumbling hut. It had been battered by wind and sand, but its walls stood intact, and as I approached it, I felt comforted by what looked like excellent craftsmanship and a sturdy construction.

And if any doubts lingered in my mind, the Force spoke loudly to me, freeing me from doubt and worry. This was an abandoned dwelling, but it was where I needed to be.

I stumbled into the main room and immediately fell to an old sleeping bed. The bed was certainly past its prime and not very soft, but the dwelling regulated heat and cold well, and as the day overtook the night and the heat outside rose, I nestled myself into the bed and basked in the cool quarters, kicking off my boots and letting my aching feet enjoy some moments away from sand.

I closed my eyes then opened them again, but some hours seemed to have passed. The suns were high in the sky now, and though the house was still cool, I could feel how much warmer it had become outside.

I stood and sought out rations and water. I wandered around the little cottage, but there was nothing to eat or drink. But in my search, I found myself rummaging through the belongings of the being that had lived there before. I quickly established it had been a man, and an old one, most likely, at that. His belongings were few, and his life seemed quiet and humble. He had probably been some kind of hermit. I found some wandering cloaks and the dusty remains of cookware and other necessities. There didn’t seem to be any personal items, though in the main room, he had a chest full of what looked like ancient relics. I couldn’t make sense of any of them.

But despite the meager belongings, I felt attached to it all. Everything in the house felt familiar, like I had been there before. Just as the feeling grew in my heart, a voice spoke to me.

“Funny. Time has a way of changing so many things, yet it keeps so many things the same.”

The voice leapt from my head and filled the room. It came from behind me. I turned and faced it, and Obi-Wan stood there with arms akimbo and a bright smile beneath his blue aura.

“I should have known the Force was leading me to you,” I said, taking a seat by the bed.

“Oh, it didn’t lead you to me. It led you to my house,” he said, beaming.

“You wouldn’t happen to have any water? Or rations maybe? I think I’d rather the Force had led me to a cantina,” I whined.

“Plenty of those north in Mos Eisley, I think. But no, child. I’m sorry. I haven’t lived here in many years. I don’t think there will be any sustenance for you here.”

“Mos Eisley? Is that near here?”

“Not far,” he said.

“Well, that doesn’t help me much either since I don’t have any credits.”

He smiled. “Oh, I’m sure there’s some loose change around here somewhere. I was never a rich man, but there should be enough for you to get a drink.”

“You don’t mind if I steal from you?” I asked, amused.

He smiled again and made his way across the room, sitting in a small outcove in the wall. “No, young one. There’s not much use for credits where I am now.”

“And where is that?” I asked.

He smirked. “Beyond.”

I sighed, clearly not even in the same universe of wisdom or wizardry or insanity as him. He leaned back and looked around as if he had forgotten everything and wished to recall memories.

“You know,” he said, smiling to himself as he always seemed to do, “I think you inherited the best traits of the Jedi and the Mandalorians. You have a heart that longs for love, but you also have the will of a proud warrior. You’ve chosen a different path than either the Jedi or the Mandalorians would take. You’ve chosen your own, and I foresee the path you’re on now will lead you to a place of peace and contentment.”

“I don’t know,” I said, suddenly feeling self conscious. “I should have killed Kylo. Or--I don’t know. I can’t shake the feeling that I made a mistake. I feel better about where I am, but I don’t know if--I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly escape my past.”

“The past will catch up with the present if it’s meant to. But there’s no sense in trying to decipher the mysteries of time. Instead, why not focus on the path ahead?”

I shook my head. “But Kylo’s still out there. I should have--”

“Your destiny lies on a different path than his,” Obi-Wan said. “Or at least, it does for now. If your paths are to meet later on, it will be the will of the Force.”

“I just wish the Force would tell me if what I did was right.”

He laughed. “Oh, the Force can do many things. But judgments on right and wrong, those must come from you, young one.”

I shook my head, not happy with the answer. “I’m just so angry,” I admitted. “I wanted to kill him. But I couldn’t.”

“You feel the pull of the light and dark.”

I nodded.

“It is a difficult choice, but the fact that you spared him shows that your love beat out your hate. And I think that is a fine thing.”

“But he failed me,” I protested. “He always failed me. He took so much from me. And even when he loved me, I couldn’t forget what he’d done.”

“All those we love fail us. It is up to us to forgive them.”

“And now it’s completely broken,” I pushed on. Obi-Wan listened with a small smile. “He can’t love me. He hates the very idea of me. He hates where I come from and who I am. And even if I wanted to go back to him, he’d just push me away. It’s like I failed him because I am who I am.”

“Oh, well that’s in his blood, you know. Like you, he also struggles between the light and the dark. But for him, that darkness has consumed him, and only love will bring him back.”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

He looked up and lost himself in a memory. His smirk faded somewhat. It was replaced with a slight shot of pain, but then a look of gratitude and calm took over his face. “I know what it’s like to fail a Skywalker you love. But take it from me: you can’t give up on him.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Obi-Wan leaned closer to me and spoke through a forced smile. “I trained Ben’s grandfather. He was like a brother to me. And I failed him. Twice actually.”

“Twice?”

“Oh yes. I failed him as a teacher, and when he fell into his darkest hour, I failed him once more by giving up on him. That, young one, is the worst thing you can do, and it’s a lesson I did not learn until after I had given up my life. I had thought I was wise. I was wrong.”

“What happened?” I asked. “Is that why Kylo despises you? When he found out I am your granddaughter, he lost his mind. He gave up on me because of it.”

“I don’t think Ben knows what he feels for me. Or for Anakin, at that. But he manifests his confusion with anger, and that is because of Snoke.”

“His anger gives him power.” As I said it, I felt like I had said the same thing to Obi-Wan before. He shook his head.

“Confusion leads to anger, which leads to hate, and that is the dark side. All of those things lead to suffering. Only through compassion and love can you break through the nightmare of pain. That is true power.”

I pondered his wisdom for a moment, chewing over it in my head. The sentiment seemed so inviting and true and desired. But Obi-Wan’s way required forgiveness, and I struggled to understand how such a thing could come after so many awful things had been done.

As if reading my mind, Obi-Wan answered my query. “Forgiveness and faith go hand in hand. But they are decisions we make. And only when we forgive ourselves can we forgive others. That is what happened to me.”

“I don’t understand.”

He smiled to himself and held out his hand. “Perhaps it’s best if I show you. Maybe then you’ll see what I mean.”

I looked at him curiously but didn’t know what to say. I held out my own hand and placed it in his translucent one. There was no weight to it or warmth. It was like resting my hand on a cloud, but the Force connected us, and I felt a shudder run through my body as the room around us disappeared, and suddenly we were sitting in the middle of a fiery volcano on a desolate, broken planet. The light that radiated from Obi-Wan was dim here. All around us, the dark, foreboding energy of the dark side pulsated from the rocks and lava and black sky.

“It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!” Obi-Wan’s voice rang out, but it wasn’t from the man beside me. Instead, just in front of us, a younger version of him stood in a singed robe. He stood tall with his lightsaber to his side. I felt desperation and pain from him, but at the same time, he burned with an intense focus.

“You underestimate my power!” I looked down the hill from where Obi-Wan was standing. A man in black stood on a mining platform. It floated on an energy shield above a gushing river of lava. His eyes were morphed into an unnatural yellow. And while I imagined he had at one point been a handsome man, now he looked twisted and lost. Even his lightsaber, which was blue and pristine, seemed tainted by the hatred emanating from its owner.

“Don’t try it!” Obi-Wan warned.

Everything happened so suddenly. The man in black leapt with a yell, twisting in the air and bringing his saber down for a slash. Obi-Wan was not fooled. He swiftly ducked and brought his own weapon above his head, slicing the man into pieces with precision. But it wasn’t a killing blow. The man’s severed body slid down the hill and came to a rest just a few paces from the lava.

“You were the chosen one!” Obi-Wan cried. “It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force! Not leave it in darkness!”

The man was dying now. He seethed as he looked up at Obi-Wan with rage and fire in his eyes. “I hate you!” He screamed. His words seemed to burn him.

“You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.”

Obi-Wan’s words weren’t enough to save him. I gasped as I realized this was Anakin Skywalker. I felt anger toward him, but it quickly turned to pity and sorrow and his body, so close to the lava, went ablaze. And soon his screams and cries subsided, and Obi-Wan, with pain in his heart, reached down to grab Anakin’s lightsaber and then turned and walked away.

I was propelled back to reality and I could see the sorrow in Obi-Wan’s eyes.

“I left him to die. I gave up on him when he most needed me. I let his anger and confusion and pain guide my decision instead of acting with love and compassion.” It was Obi-Wan speaking, but not the young man from the memory. I turned to him to see regret in his eyes. The fire planet slowly faded away, and we were back in his hut. His warm aura cooled the room, and I felt a great weight lifted from the air.

“That was Anakin?” I asked. He nodded. “And after that, he became Darth Vader?”

“He was already twisted into a Sith at that point,” Obi-Wan explained. “After that, because of my failure, all traces of his humanity burned, and for the rest of his life, he became a machine.”

“And how did you learn to forgive yourself for failing him?” I asked.

The warm smirk I had grown accustomed to returned, and Obi-Wan turned to me with cheery eyes. “Anakin’s son, Ben’s uncle, redeemed Anakin. He saved my friend. And he did by forgiving and never giving up on him. He taught this old man a new truth. A truth I had once known, but somewhere along the line, I had forgotten it.”

“So you’re saying I should forgive him? You’re saying I should forget everything he did?”

“All I am saying, young one, is to choose light over darkness. Choose love over hate. Choose compassion over blame. Only then will you truly understand who you are, and only then will you serve the ones you love. And only then will you be able to truly love yourself.”

I pondered over this advice, but when I turned to ask Obi-Wan another question, his ghost was gone. I was left alone in his hut to chew over everything he had shown me and taught me. But I didn’t know how to do what he advised. Every feeling of love was complemented by a feeling of hate. Every memory of happiness was mixed with a memory of disappointment. For everything he’d given me, he’d taken something away.

How was I supposed to embody the goodness of my grandfather? How was I supposed to live up to the uncompromising, unconditional charity of Kylo’s uncle? How was I supposed to embody the spirit of the Jedi Order my grandfather had once embodied?

I did not know.

All I knew, at that moment, was I was incredibly hungry, thirsty, and tired.

“There’s nothing to do about it until I figure out how I’m going to survive on my own,” I spoke to the air, half talking to myself and half talking to Obi-Wan, whose presence was now completely gone.

With that, I stood and rummaged through the old house until I found Obi-Wan’s leftover credits. With enough in hand and with water on my mind, I left the house and headed north to Mos Eisley with nothing but the Force to guide me.


	17. Old Friends, New Friends

Mos Eisley was a dump. The mixture of bantha shit and thousands of rugged spice smugglers gave the city a thick smell that coated the skin like humidity. The scorching temperature didn’t help. But despite the burning suns, the heavy smell of the air, and my desperate thirst, I darted through the city with my face cloaked. The sweat poured down my face, burning my eyes and worsening the sharp pain of thirst in my throat. My lips had long before cracked, and now I felt blisters forming. I had gone three days without food or drink, and in this city of scum, I feared I’d be robbed and left to die of hunger and thirst in a forgotten corner behind a shaddy cantina.

But despite my misgivings about the place, I quickly found my way to a place called Chalmun’s, and despite its dirty, pathetic exterior, inside it was cool and dark and smelled of strange brews and smoke. I welcomed the reprieve from the suns and ran to the bar to order a drink and some food. The barkeep seemed annoyed with my desperation, but I threw him a handful of credits, and his annoyance faded away.

I went through four tall glasses of water and a bowl of what I can only describe as mush before I felt my wits return. And when I did, I felt myself being watched. I spun on my heels and looked across the cantina to a round table in the shadows. There, a familiar face stared at me with a wide smile and a look of disbelief.

“FM!” I shouted as I ran across the room to greet him. He stood and wrapped me in a tight embrace.

“How are you here?” he cried.

“How are you alive?” I responded, to which both of us laughed and burst into tears.

“Seriously! How are you here?” he asked once we released each other and sat down. FM called for a round of drinks and more food, which I greatly appreciated. “I didn’t think -- you’d make it. After what happened on Starkiller, I thought--”

“I thought the same thing about you,” I said. “I heard the Resistance took out the majority of the troopers on Takodana. I feared you’d--”

“I, uh, actually got lucky and found FN before the fighting got to me. He was actually part of the squadron that arrived on Takodana, and we had a chance meeting before things got dangerous. We -- we’ve been with the Resistance ever since. But, wait, what about you? How are you here? How did you survive Starkiller? Where is Drakri? Oh my stars! Did he die on Starkiller?”

Drakri’s name slammed into me. I hadn’t heard anyone say it in so long. For long stretches of time, it was as if he had never even existed. But I had to remind myself that FM didn’t know anything about what had happened to my life. I didn’t think he would believe anything I had to tell him.

“Well it’s all a really long story actually,” I started. “I honestly ended up at the right place at the right time when it came to getting off Starkiller. But still, Drakri and I barely made it off the planet.”

“Good! So Drakri’s alive! Did he come here with you?”

“Uh, well actually--”

“Did you tell him about the mystery guy and then you guys broke up and then you left the First Order on your own? Ah, so romantic!”

“Well no. Actually--”

“Oh, girl, don’t tell me you’re still double dipping. Or--no! Don’t tell me you three got some--”

“No! Let me explain, FM! I’ll tell you everything if you let me.”

He threw out a hand in dismissal, clearly upset that I wasn’t still with two men. But he quickly sobered up when I began to tell him the truth.

“Drakri is dead.”

“What!”

And then I told FM everything. I explained to him how Kylo had been intrigued with me since Jakku and how I’d returned those feelings. I told him about all the moments Kylo would show up at my quarters and how he’d made me feel alive after I’d spent years feeling like I was nothing more than a ghost in a white shell. I explained everything that had happened before Starkiller was destroyed and how Drakri had held me as I wept over Kylo’s injuries. And I told him about the medical bay and Kylo’s rage and jealousy. I couldn’t say much more about Drakri than that, but FM understood the unspoken things.

But then I told him about my plan for revenge and the conflicting feelings I experienced as Kylo took me in as an apprentice. I told him about the Force and the supreme leader and all that had led me to Tatooine. Finally, I told him about Obi-Wan Kenobi and about the confusion I was currently feeling. I told him I was lost yet empowered; scared yet hopeful; angry yet in search of peace.

When I finished with my story, FM looked around the cantina as if afraid we were being listened to. He refilled his cup and downed his third drink since I’d started my tale. He seemed mesmerized, in disbelief, and worried.

“Well,” I said after letting the silence hang for the length of a full song from the house band.

FM looked at me with as serious a face as I’d ever seen on him. He chewed his top lip then leaned across the table and whispered, “Girl, I just knew his dick was big!”

The weight of my tale fell from my shoulders, and I let out an obnoxious giggle. “Out of everything I just said, that’s your first thought?”

“What can I say? We’re two of the same, you and I. Just a couple of whores looking to get filled.”

“You’re disgusting.”

We laughed and drank some more. FM asked a thousand questions, and everytime I answered, I felt like all of it had been a dream. The tale was too remarkable, and the thought kept racing through my mind that I should have been dead. But here we were. Old friends reunited. It was like we had only been apart a day, and as the suns outside set and patrons flowed in and out of the cantina, we drank and ate and laughed and cried. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt the unlimited lightness of pure joy.

“So you really just stole his ship and came out to the middle of nowhere didn’t you?” FM asked as our drunkenness and glee began to turn to fatigue.

“I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be with him or if I wanted to kill him. And I couldn’t forgive him. So I left. I trusted this feeling of the Force, and I ended up here, yeah.”

“Do you still think of Drakri?” he asked, and I cried. FM nodded.

“I hate myself for all of it,” I confessed.

“Oh, girl.”

“No, seriously. How could I fall in love with the man who killed Drakri? He was so good to me, but I just -- I can never settle for anything, and now, yeah, I feel better about who I am myself. But still, I will always feel responsible for his death. And not only did I betray him when he was alive, but I betrayed him after he died. I’m--I’m a terrible person.”

FM shook his head. “The only person responsible for Drakri’s death is Kylo mother fucking Ren. And you, well shoot. We all know it’s impossible to stop ourselves from loving. You loved that man. You loved that man’s dick. He made you feel something Drakri never could, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for following your heart. We all deserve to follow our hearts, and the only thing that’s wrong about all of this is how much Kylo manipulated you. That man doesn’t deserve you.”

I shook my head. “Even so, I still pity him. I don’t think it’s his fault.”

“Well, then you’re a better person than I am. Maybe it’s the Jedi in you.”

Though he said it jokingly, the comment echoed in my heart and rattled my bones. I had never thought of the possibility of me becoming a Jedi, mostly because for most of my life I didn’t really know what a Jedi was. But all the time I was with Kylo, I saw my purpose as being tied to his. We would feed off the energy of the dark side, letting it fuel our anger. And for a long time with Kylo, that feeling drove me and pushed me toward my revenge.

But then I thought of the moment on the ship when I walked away from him. I remembered the sad look in his eyes and the defeated slump of his body. I thought of all the conflicting feelings I had for him, and then I thought of myself transcending all of it and becoming a Jedi. FM was right: it was in my blood. But how to claim it, I did not know.

“Hey, you there? Hello?” FM gave my face a little slap, waking me from my thoughts. When I focused on him, though, he wasn’t alone. FN-2187 sat by his side now. He had slipped in at some point while I contemplated my life, and I hadn’t even noticed him.

“Wow, so we add another traitor to the lot,” FN said as he wrapped an arm around FM’s shoulders. I watched the two of them share space as if they couldn’t survive any between. I felt relief and happiness flood over me. Here, it seemed, FM had fully escaped the horrors of our past and had truly figured out who he was and what he wanted from life. I admired him.

“Heh, seems that way,” I said.

“Maybe you can come back with us and help the Resistance,” said FN. “We could use someone who has updated knowledge on Snoke and the First Order. What do you say?”

“As much as I’d like to help, I have my own path I must follow right now,” I said. “But I am happy to tell you everything I know.

FN smiled. “That’s great. Tell us everything.”

“Well there’s not much to tell except this: Snoke is dead, and Kylo Ren is supreme leader.”

Finn fell back in his seat. FM sighed.

“What? How?” FN asked.

“I killed him.” The words were easy to say, but I felt they stopped the universe. It seemed like everyone in the cantina was now staring at me, though I couldn’t tell if they were or if I was just being paranoid.

FN, for his part, looked like he had just seen a ghost, but then he perked up. “You know, if this is true, then we could use you even more in the Resistance. Come on, help us finish the job. Kylo Ren is still out there, and so is Hux and all those bastards. We need you.”

I was going to protest, but even now as a fully trained warrior and Force user, I felt my voice catch in my throat, and I remained silent.

FM had my back.

“Finn,” he said, turning to FN, “she’s got her own life to live. We’ll manage just fine on our own.”

FN sighed but nodded, and I felt the two grow even closer. They shared a bond that was visible, tangible, but also mystical. I could feel their love through the Force. I wondered if Kylo and I had ever exuded anything like it.

“C, can I talk to Finn alone?” FM asked then.

“Finn?”

“I go by that now,” FM explained.

“Oh, of course. I’ll go get us another round,” I said, quickly leaving the booth and heading to the bar.

I ordered a round of drinks and was going to pay, but before I could, a handful of credits slid across the bar and stopped in front of my hands. I looked over at the man who had thrown them and gasped. He was a beautiful man with flowing brown hair, crisp brown eyes, and a sly smile. Even sitting, I could tell he was tall. And his broad shoulders filled his flight jacket fully.

“I’ll take care of that for you,” he said with a smirk.

“I’m more than capable of paying for my own drink, you know,” I said.

He didn’t acknowledge what I said. Instead, he examined me, making no attempt to hide it. I felt his eyes wander over my body, and though a part of me felt uncomfortable, a part of me liked his focus.

“What brings you out here?” he asked. “Not the nicest place in the galaxy for a girl like you, I’d say.”

“You don’t know anything about me, friend.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

“For all you know,” I continued, “it could have been the worst mistake of your life offering to pay for my drinks.”

“Could be. Or maybe it was the best thing that ever happened to you.” His tone stayed cool and commanding. He spoke with supreme confidence, yet his voice was soft and light.

“Pretty confident,” I said. “But a guy like you in a place like this, surely you’re a wanted man. Maybe I’m a bounty hunter who’s come for your head.”

“Or maybe I’m the one who’s come for you.”

I stared at him and tapped into his mind. He felt as blank as empty space.

“Thanks for the drink.” I nodded, took the drinks, and turned back to the booth.

“Now wait there just a minute,” he protested, reaching out a stiff hand and grabbing my wrist. I felt the urge to dig my lightsabers into his sternum, but instead I turned and gave him an annoyed smile. “My name’s Luca, and I’m no bounty hunter. I’m just a lowly star pilot with an eye for beauty. I might not be worth your time, but at least tell me your name. It’s the least a guy could ask for, especially out there in the cold, empty universe.”

I realized this was the first time in my life anyone had ever asked for my name. For some reason, it seemed like an important moment in my life, even if it came from a lonely, pathetic man with a pretty smile.

“My name’s Orra-Sky.”

I turned to return to the booth, but as he whispered my name and smiled wide and beautiful, I felt a tremor run through my chest. It wasn’t his crisp eyes or his strong jaw, though. It was a darker feeling. It was something from far away. Something familiar. Something full of love and rage and regret. It was Kylo.

He was reaching out for me. He might have been reaching out for a long time, but I hadn’t felt it. I had shut off that part of my heart and pushed him from my connection to the Force. But now, in the shadow of this beautiful stranger, his energy returned. I wondered for a moment if I was manifesting it, but it didn’t take me long to realize the full weight of his power. This was not me. It was him. He was communicating with me from across the galaxy, and his message was clear.

You are mine.

I shuddered at the thought and the feeling of him, but I felt no fear. Instead, rage boiled inside me. I thought I had destroyed his spirit before. I thought I had conquered his ego. But no. Here we were systems apart, and he still thought I existed only under his thumb.

Without another thought, I turned back to the man at the bar and put on my sexiest smile.

“So how long are you on Tatooine for, Luca?” I asked.

He smiled back and took my hand. “However long it takes me to get to know you.”


	18. Words from the Past

Luca gave me a sly smile as he took a sip from his drink. He was smooth in a way I’d never seen in a man. Unlike Kylo, he was cool and composed, though he retained the same sort of mystery. It took me a moment to realize this was the first living person outside of the First Order I had ever spoken to. I wondered if every man was like this. If every person was like this. I envied the way he spoke without seeming to care about what he said. I envied his carelessness. It was as if nothing bad in the galaxy had ever reached his perfect hair. It seemed that way. The way he eyed me without care. The way he effortlessly leaned against the bar. The careless way he swung his drink when he spoke. The way he leaned into me, his breath brushing against my cheek and ear. The way he ran his hand through my hair without even asking.

He did it all like we were the only ones in the cantina. For my part, I kept darting my eyes around the crowd, determined to find a set of eyes watching us. And no matter how much I embraced his carelessness and touch, and no matter how much I fell into the toxin of my drink, I still couldn’t shake the tension in my muscles and bones. Kylo’s voice crawled over me. His rage at what I was doing drove me and terrified me at the same time. It took everything to keep him out of my mind and to push him away from the moment all the while keeping up with Luca’s words. I felt myself make mistake after mistake, though I knew there were no rules to what I was doing. I was free to do what I wanted and to be with whomever I wanted. Years of conditioning couldn’t stop me anymore.

“... and you ended up in this sarlacc pit in the middle of nowhere. Unlucky you.” Luca had been talking, answering me, asking me questions, I didn’t know.

I smiled and brushed back my hair. It seemed to be enough to keep him grinning.

“So tell me already,” he said.

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, what?”

He laughed and took a big slug from his drink. “You can play coy all you want, but I’m gonna figure it out.”

“Wait, no, seriously. Figure what out?” I asked, dumbfounded.

He lifted a big hand and placed it on my shoulder then slowly slipped it down my arm until he got to my wrist. There, instead of taking my hand, he slipped his toward my belt and rested it on my hip. I shuddered.

“Tell me how a girl like you gets a pair of toys like those,” he said, flicking a finger against one of my lightsabers.

“I’m no Jedi if that’s what you’re insinuating,” I said defensively.

“I wasn’t. But it’s a wonderfully delicious question, isn’t it? What are you, Orra-Sky?”

I swatted his hand off my hip and returned to my drink. Kylo’s voice flared in my head again, but the sound of it only served to push me further than I would ever have gone without it. “Well, I can be whatever you want me to be,” I said, finishing my drink and slamming it on the bar.

I sensed Luca’s delight as closed the gap between us and brushed his body against mine. I leaned into him, ready to be whisked away as Kylo’s voice raged louder. But as we were about to leave, FM jumped between us, demanding another pitcher from the barkeep as obnoxiously as he could. Luca looked incensed, and I thought he would hit him, but FM turned to me and smiled.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your new friend?” he asked, nudging a shoulder into my chest. “My name’s Makhi!” he said, turning to Luca, not giving me a moment to respond.

“Ah, Luca. Do you know Orra-Sky here or--”

“She’s my oldest friend, and I’m hers,” FM bellowed. I wasn’t sure if he was drunk or just being protective.

“Well then, that is just lovely.”

“Sure is.”

“Ah, I thought you were with Finn,” I asked him, trying to nudge my way through him and back to Luca’s warming smile.

“Oh, he’s off on another delusion of grandeur. Typical.”

“Well, the universe isn’t that big. Why don’t you follow him?”

Luca laughed. “Oh, this seems like a new destiny for you, Orra-Sky. And it’s a shame. But alas, I know when I am no longer needed.”

“Luca, no. That’s not--”

“No offence taken by it,” Luca said, patting FM on the shoulder and giving me a wink. “Maybe I’ll see you around?”

“Oh, yes, but I--”

“Brilliant. Makhi. Cheers.”

FM gave him a drunken hug, which Luca accepted half-surprised, half-amused. Then Luca turned and left the cantina. As he disappeared out into the desert air, I thought I would never see him again. The thought registered nothing in my heart. What angered me, though, was that Kylo’s voice left with him. I cursed both of them for being stupid men who had no business affecting me the way they did.

“Thank the stars that womp rat is gone,” FM moaned, his drunkenness suddenly gone.

“What the blast was that all about?” I asked, slapping his chest.

“That was what we call a bad decision, honey,” he said, glaring at me.

“That’s not your call to make. And who’s Makhi?”

“Um, who’s asking, Orra-Sky?” he teased.

I smiled, and he smiled back. It was a small moment between us that didn’t need anything but our mutual understanding. Our two new names had been spoken out loud. We were no longer numbers.

“No matter, that man was fine. Why did you have to ruin my fun?” I asked.

Makhi threw up a hand and rolled his eyes. “He’s a nerf herder. You deserve a king.”

“I wasn’t looking for anything more than a fun night.”

“Oh, I know,” he said. “And you know I’m not one to get in the way of a good time. But honey, come on. I’ve seen Dugs hotter than him.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Well, maybe not a Dug. But hotter Hutts for sure.”

“You think Hutts are hotter than Dugs? How much have you had to drink?”

Makhi giggled. “True. I forgot, you like those long, boney boys. You’ve never been one to go for the thicks.”

“The thicks?”

“Yeah, that’s what we call them.”

“A thousand credits if you do it to a Hut’s face.”

“Girl, that’s the kind of stuff they like. Trust me.”

“Trust you? Do I even want to know how you know that.”

“We’re a long way from the First Order, honey, and the galaxy is full of all kinds of mysteries. Let’s just say I’ve done everything I could to see as many of them as possible, no matter how much slime was involved.” Try as he might, he couldn’t get through his last sentence without bursting out into a shrieking laugh. I followed, eventually crying from the effort. I hadn’t laughed in a long time. I had cried more times than I could count, though. But these were the first tears to come from unbridled joy. I didn’t realize until that moment how much I’d missed my friend. For a moment, everything that had led me to that point faded away, and all I wanted to do was live a life like this full of stupid nothings and unremarkable conversations.

Makhi and I drank some more, but when I told him I had a house we could stay at, he was quick to order us there. So we hitched a speeder ride to the outskirts as dusk settled over the desert world, and we returned to Obi-Wan’s hut with more drinks, uncontrollable laughs, and the last moments of sobriety.

#

“How did you manage to get this place? It’s definitely posh compared to those dingy rooms we had when we were younger,” Makhi said when we got to the hut. I let him wander around the small house as I took a seat on the ledge in the main room, making myself comfortable with a tall bottle of wine. Makhi amused himself with some of the dusty artifacts littered about the hut, but his curiosity waned the more he drank, and soon he was laying on the floor beneath me.

“This place belonged to my grandfather before he died,” I said.

“Grandfather?”

“Yes. He was a Jedi Knight.” I said it with pride even though I didn’t quite understand what it meant.

“How’d you figure that out?” he asked between sips of his drink.

“He told me.”

“Oh, does he still live here?”

“No. He talks to me through the Force.”

“Oh, so you’re drunk. Lightweight. Always have been.” Makhi laughed. “You’re crazy, C. What would Drakri think of you being so light? He’d sauce you up quick and have his way with you, actually, so maybe it’d be a turn on.”

“What are you getting on about?” I asked, a bit annoyed that Makhi didn’t want to know more about Obi-Wan, the Force, or any of the important things. I felt a flash of anger, but I pushed it aside. This was no time for such things, I told myself.

“You know, it’s a shame Drakri is dead. I’m sorry, friend.”

“It is what it is,” I said, not wishing to talk about it and not knowing what to say.

“Do you think he would have left with you?”

I nodded.

“And do you think he would have joined the Resistance with you?”

“What? Since when did I join the Resistance?” I asked.

“Well, I mean, that’s what you’re going to do now that we found each other, right?” Makhi sat up and slapped my leg. “You’ll join me and Finn. We’ll take on Ren and make sure nobody else ever has to suffer like we did. That’s why you’re here, right?”

I shook my head. “I told you what happened to me. I didn’t come here looking to join anyone. I’m just trying -- to figure out who I am.”

Makhi sighed and looked around. “So that explains the hut. You think your family is the key. Look, you’ve gotten further than I did, C. Sorry, Orra-Sky. Orra. O. Oh! I’m gonna call you O.”

I chuckled.

“Anyway, I did the whole family thing when I got out. I looked around. Spent some credits trying to track people down.”

“What did you find?”

“Nothing that gave me answers. But you know what did give me answers?”

I shrugged. “The Resistance?”

“Finn.” He stared at me with his serious face. I sighed and slumped back then took a swig of my drink. “You’ve gotta find your Finn. And it’s not scruffy boy at the bar. It’s not big-dick dick back in the First Order. It wasn’t Drakri, rest his soul, either. We both knew that. You’ve gotta find the person who’s going to give you purpose, O.”

“Look, maybe,” I said, shaking my head as I spoke. “But I don’t know. I think--I don’t want to define myself by another person anymore. I want to be defined by myself. I want to be my own person.”

“I’m not saying you need to lose yourself in another person,” Makhi said. “I’m saying that if you find that person, you’re gonna have a much easier time understanding what you’re supposed to be. They’ll help you find your purpose.”

“Maybe.”

“Ugh, well if you’re dead set on finding it through this Force dead grandfather or whatever, why don’t you just read his journal?”

“What journal?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes and made a grand gesture of pointing to a small crate by the wall.

“You didn’t snoop through all his stuff the minute you got here?” he asked, clearly disappointed in me. “What has become of you?”

I stood up and crossed the room to the small crate. A leather bound book sat atop a handful of trinkets and forgotten mementos. I opened the flap and read the name on the first page: Kryze.

I whispered the word to myself. It brought me warmth, though I didn’t know its meaning.

“Kryze!” I said again and again, turning to Makhi to get his thoughts. But my friend was on the verge of sleep. Whether from exhaustion or from the booze, I didn’t know. Regardless, he didn’t share my enthusiasm. It didn’t matter, though. The journal lit something inside me. I scrolled through its pages, making note of different words and images scattered throughout it. The scrawl seemed familiar. It was as if I had been cradled by the swooping gestures of its style and the command it had over Basic. I knew this pen. I knew its hand.

“Mother.”

“She wrote the same way your grandmother spoke. With dignity.” Obi-Wan’s voice filled the room, but he did not appear before me.

“I remember,” I said to the air. “I remember my mother. She was always writing.”

“Certainly a trait she got from Satine, not from me,” he said with a sad chuckle.

“What happened to all of you? What happened to our family?” I asked. “I don’t remember you or my grandmother. What happened to everyone?”

“It wasn’t the will of the Force for us to be together as a family. Your grandmother was a politician. I was a Jedi Knight. We honored the commitments we had made, and it cost us the love we were forbidden to share,” Obi-Wan explained.

“I don’t understand.”

“Your mother was a scrupulous journaler. It took me many years, but I was able to gather all of her writings on Mandalore. They are all here. If you seek answers, look to her writings. She was a much better storyteller than I am.”

“I’ll do that,” I said. I waited for him to speak again, but his presence faded. I looked once more at the journal in my hands, but I was too tired to read it. But I had nothing but time now that I was free to set my own path, so I put it back in the crate I’d found it in and found the sleeping cot in the back of the hut where I laid myself down and fell into a drunken sleep, dreamless and heavy.


	19. Ghosts of the Past

When I awoke, I found a pile of journals at my side. Makhi had ventured off while I was sleeping, but he had tidied the place up and left the journals for me to read. I didn’t know where he went or how he had known I would want the journals, but I was appreciative, and I sat down to read with anticipation and fear. I didn’t know what I would find, but I was eager for the knowledge. What I found was a story of longing. A story that matched my own. My mother’s words pierced me like daggers, but I sat there for the entire day and read through every volume.

I only remember snippets.

Someone asked me today about my mother, and I relayed to them all I could remember. There is so much that was hidden from me, and even now after I’ve returned to Mandalore and discovered so much that was hidden by the Empire and Death Watch and others, I still long for more information. For there is no complete picture of her left, even though she will be hailed for generations as a great leader and advocate of peace. Yet these grand public deeds are not what I remember.

Instead, I remember her as my mother, not as the leader of a lost people. I remember the long nights when she’d tear herself from her work and think on her life, and in those moments she’d look up to the stars as if seeking some long lost lover, as if the life she lived on the ground was not what she truly wanted, as if something had taken all her desires from her and flung them far out into the galaxy.

I always wondered if that longing she felt for whatever was out there was somehow related to my own sheltered existence. Even before her death and before the Clone Wars and all those terrible years, I was hidden away. None but her and her inner circle knew of me, and I knew nothing of the outside world except what they told me. Life was an endless series of locked doors and barred windows, and the great domes of Mandalore were just vague shapes on the dusty horizon. Mother would come home in the evenings, and we’d eat dinner and share time together reading and walking through the gardens, but then she’d retire to her room, and if I wished for her protection in the terrifying night, I’d find her alone, crying and shivering as if she were sick.

I’d ask her, “How can you be so sad when you have the whole world at your command? If I could have your freedom, I’d be so happy.”

And she’d respond, “Sometimes, my love, I wish I could be the one locked up here. For here, the tragedies of the galaxy do not reach your ears.”

I’d often ask her why I couldn’t leave the protection of our secluded, hidden home, and she’d tell me it was because of who I was.

“You are the child of a great man, but his greatness is only good for complicating our lives,” she’d answer. “You can never be known to others, or you’ll destroy him, and they will destroy you.”

I accepted my fate early, though I did not like it. Still, I found ways to amuse myself in my solitude, and as I grew, my strange powers quickly made my life much more lively.

I never understood those powers. My mother called them my gift. I would ask my caretakers about them, and they would tell me I was special, and because of how special I was, other people would try to hurt me because they didn’t understand my powers. I believed them all for a long time, but then my father arrived on Mandalore.

I first saw him over the holonews after he’d been involved with Death Watch and a terrorist bombing. I didn’t know who he was, but just seeing his face erupted a sense of familiarity and comfort in me. When my mother returned home that night and I asked her about him, she refused to say.

So I took it upon myself to find him. I snuck out of our home for the first time in my life and made the long trek to the domed city. There, cloaked and sticking to the shadows, I witnessed many things. It was the first time I ever saw blaster fire, destruction, and death. But amidst it all, I saw my mother and the mysterious man fighting together, taking the carnage head on. I only caught a few glimpses of them, but what I saw provided me with enough understanding to figure out the truth of my life.

The man had powers like me, and when I saw him and my mother together, I could feel the same sort of energy emanating from the two of them that existed between my mother and I. There was a feeling of love there, but it wasn’t the kind of love two people feel when they exist for one another. It was a sad kind of love -- the kind of love that exists between two people who exist in different universes but who can never forget one another. She loved him like I loved her -- it was a longing for closeness, a jealousy for the world that kept him from her, and an anger tempered by understanding.

I didn’t have the courage to venture out into the chaos and find him, but when my mother returned home after all the commotion died down, I questioned her immediately.

“Who is that sorcerer you were with?” I asked her. “Why does he have powers like me?”

She was furious with me for leaving the safety of our sanctuary, but after many weeks of silence, she finally opened up a little.

“His name is Ben,” she would tell me. “He is a Jedi Knight.”

“A Jedi Knight?”

“A wielder of the Force. A defender of peace throughout the galaxy.”

“What is the Force?” I asked her.

She spoke of it mystically. “It is, I suppose, the manifestation of love. In some, that is. Those who choose to use it for love -- and Ben is one of those people when he’s not being pig headed -- those people can do truly wonderful things. They can save people, as Ben has done for me many times.”

“He has the same powers as me,” I said. “But I have never saved anyone.”

My mother looked at me with those sad eyes she’d often looked out at the stars with. “My child, you save me every day, just by being you.”

“But I want to do what he does!” I pleaded. “I want to do more than just sit in this fortress. If there are others like me, why can’t I join them? Why can’t I be a Jedi Knight?”

She didn’t entertain the conversation any more after that.

#

I only saw him once. It was during the worst day of my life.

Mandalore was under siege. Even in our protected home, nothing was safe. I decided early on during the day that I wouldn’t sit back and watch my home burn, so I ventured out into the chaos and made my way to my mother’s chamber where I knew she would be and where I thought I could offer whatever help I could.

But what I found there, I don’t like repeating it.

There was a demon in my mother’s seat. He looked down on my mother -- who was held in his mystical grip -- with scorn.

The Jedi Knight -- Ben -- he was there too, but he looked paralyzed with desperation and fear.

I tried to move from the shadows to help him. To fight that demon.

But a force took over my body and kept me hidden.

I only locked eyes with him for a moment, but his expression told me everything. Keep yourself safe. Keep yourself hidden.

The demon took my mother that day. It looked like he took a part of the Jedi Knight as well, but Ben wouldn’t let me leave the shadows.

He saved me that day. He couldn’t save my mother.

I never saw him again.

#

Somehow, we’ve been betrayed. Those ghosts have been looking for me and Orra-Sky for years, but they only remained whispers and echoed cries in the darker parts of the galaxy.

But now they’ve found us.

If it must be done, I will follow my father’s example. I will do anything I can to protect her. The demons and the ghosts of the universe will never again take away my family. I will live up to my father’s name.

I only remember snippets.

Between what I read, what had happened before, and what was still to come, the details are warped in my mind, twisted and stretched and morphed like the gas of a dying star that falls to the weight of a black hole. There were so many stories my mother wrote that I can no longer remember, and the journals are now lost to eternity.

But I remember feeling a great pain as I read through her final volume -- the volume before they found her. My memory filled in the next moments.

My mother standing before me, between me and the monster who’d come for us. She had no fear in her eyes. She held me back just as she held him back, relying on her strength in the Force to fight and protect at the same time. She did everything she could to follow her father’s example, but just like him, she couldn’t save everyone from the darkness.

I remember feeling my rage build inside me. Who did I have in my life to save like that? Who did I have to protect? I felt, for a moment, like I’d like to live my life in service of love for another person. It wouldn’t be the slavery I had known my entire life. It wouldn’t be the hidden existence of my mother. And it wouldn’t be the aimless wandering sea I felt I was now adrift in. No. I wanted to live my life for me, but I wanted that life to be one of love and care and protection.

But who did I have to love and protect? Who was there to love and protect me? Sure, there was Makhi, but he had Finn and Finn had him. Who did I have?

Obi-Wan? A ghost I didn’t know.

Who else?

I thought of one name, but the memory of him hurt my heart.

“I need a drink,” I said to the empty, sandy air.

The trip back to Mos Eisley was nothing. The sandstorm was just a breeze. The countless eyes on my lightsabers as I stomped through the city were just specks. The scoundrels in the cantina weren’t even distractions.

I marched straight to the bar, and before I knew it, I was already three drinks in.

I only remember snippets of what happened next.

There was a hand on my shoulder. It was a familiar hand.

“... I was sure you were killed by Tusken Raiders ...” It was a voice I had heard before.

“They’d be so lucky.” I don’t remember myself speaking, but I must have because he laughed.

“So brave. Though, I assume if I had a lightsaber too, nothing would stop me.”

“You couldn’t handle em…”

“I like this aggressive side of you.”

“You don’t know how aggressive I can get.”

I looked at his wonderful eyes. He was a useless man. I needed him.

“Do you think I could see your lightsaber? I’ve never seen one so close.” Luca asked.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Have another drink.”

“Definitely.”

“And another.”

“Another.”

I thought I saw Obi-Wan. I thought I saw Drakri. I thought I saw my mother. My ghosts were living in that cantina that night, and Luca was there to steer me clear of them, all with a helping hand and another tall glass of whatever fiery, wonderful liquid he’d ordered for me.

“Are you okay?” he asked at one point.

“I just need some air.”

“Let me help you get some.”

We were in the desert night. The streets were clear. The air smelled of alcohol. It smelled of nothing.

I remember getting in the back of a speeder.

I remember his hands on my hips.

“What are you --”

“Now don’t be too loud. It’s dangerous here at night, you know.”

“You -- you did this --”

“How is it that someone so alluring can be --”

“Who are you?”

“That’s right.”

“Where are we going?”

I remember feeling surprised how cool it was at night on such a hot planet. I don’t remember much else except the shadow of a black cloud, the wavering fabric of a loose, flowing cape. A large hand on my shoulder. A scream. A scar. A mask. A red glow.

It all faded together until I passed out and fell into a nightmare where those ghosts in the cantina surrounded me until they disappeared, vanquished by the commanding presence of Kylo Ren. I wondered if his presence calmed me or wrapped me in anger. It didn’t matter, though, because the rest of my sleep was dreamless and weightless. I felt myself drift away into an endless void, and all of time and space ceased to be.


	20. Leaving and Returning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of Part Two- Will upload the next chapter (part 3) in two weeks

I felt a jolt and my body shot up. I quickly looked around at my surroundings, afraid to see where I could possibly have ended up. I was relieved to see I was back at Obi-Wan’s. I looked over at the top of the stairs into the main room, and he was there. A tall, familiar dark shadow. My heart leaped toward him instinctively, and as if sensing it, he made his way to me. It had seemed like so long since I’d seen him, but nothing had changed. He still walked like a man who owned the space in front of him. He still wore his long scowl. He still breathed heavy as if the simple act was beneath him and only done out of necessity. I loathed and loved him all the same.

When he reached me, he did not hesitate to place his hand on my face. He could crush me if he wanted, I knew. But his embrace was tender and sad as if he were seeing me and feeling me with new eyes. Neither of us knew what to say. I placed a hand on top of his and felt my eyes water and sting. I had been so angry with him. I had hated him. But in that instant, I was happy to see him. I wanted to love him. I wanted him to be the one I was supposed to love and protect.

But I was still tired and woozy, and I wasn’t sure if it was a dream.

Again, as if sensing my confusion, a smile flickered on the corner of his mouth, and he brought his lips to mine, kissing me as if to say, “I am real. This is real.”

“I know you said to stay away, but I couldn’t.” He broke our kiss and spoke softly onto my lips.

“How did you find me?”

“The Force pushed me to you.”

I felt it too. The connection between us had never really gone away. He had never really gone away. Suddenly, all those things I had hated him for disappeared, and once more, I was in his arms and ambivalent to the past. I held both my hands on each side of his face. His eyes shined with the Tatooine suns. They were a green I’d never seen before under the darkness of the First Order.

I suddenly thirsted for him more than I ever had before. I forced his face back down onto mine and kissed him like he was my last breath. I felt his hands quickly reach for my torso and then go up to my shoulders as he tried to shuffle my robe off my body. As soon as my shoulders were bare, his lips trailed down from my lips to my shoulder. He bit my shoulder, and I let out a moan. I felt his hands slowly move up my leg. They shook me. I threw my hands at his chest and began to tug at his tunics until his shoulders were exposed. I had forgotten how much I had missed his broad shoulders and sleek muscles.

Without another word, we buried ourselves in one another, passing the night in a frenzied stupor until we had nothing left to give one another, and we fell into each other’s arms, asleep and complete.

#

I awoke with a pressing need. It was something I hadn’t thought I remembered I needed. It was something I sometimes didn’t think was real. But after succumbing to him once again, after going back on my promise to myself to stay away from him, I suddenly needed this one thing.

I ran my fingers through his hair and tried to distract him as I peered into his mind. I looked deep into his memories until I found that moment when Drakri had signaled to me that everything was going to be okay. I felt a strange longing as I looked into his blue eyes. I had forgotten how bright and pure they were. I had forgotten how much I missed him.

I was watching the moment through Kylo’s eyes, though, and when Drakri turned to him, his eyes cooled and dimmed, as if he knew the fate he was walking into. I could feel myself grow angry as I watched the moment unravel, but I tried to not let my emotions consume me. I pushed deeper, watching Kylo stomp to his quarters, Drakri trailing behind him in fear. When they arrived, Kylo turned to him and yelled. I couldn’t understand the words. There was a block there. Something shielded them from me. I looked harder at Drakri’s face, studying him to try and understand what was being said. Drakri didn’t back down to Kylo. There was fear, sure, but he stayed stoic and brave, and I felt those warm feelings again. Here was a man opposite of Kylo: calm, collected, sure of himself, free of those stinging scars from the past, unfazed by any threat the future might hold.

But I knew it was about to end, and I braced myself for it. Yet nothing came. I heard Kylo’s voice echo in my head, but it wasn’t from the memory. It was from right in front of me.

“I said I don’t like you poking around in my head. What are you looking for?”

I opened my eyes to his naked body beside me. He bore his dark eyes into mine, not angry but curious and concerned.

“I need to know,” I said. “I--you came back so suddenly. So much has changed. And I--I don’t think I can ever forgive you, but if nothing else, I want to at least understand what happened. Maybe--maybe then I’ll be able to get over whatever it is that is telling me to stay away from you.”

“To stay away from me?”

“Of course! After everything you’ve done, my mind is screaming at me for ending up right here again.”

“But the Force has spoken to both of us,” he said. “We are meant for one another.”

“But I can’t get past it!” I yelled. “I have to know.”

“What happened to Drakri?”

I nodded. “Show me. I need you to show me. I need to see what you did. I can’t keep doing this until I see for myself what your jealousy did to him. And maybe after that, I’ll hate you even more. But--but maybe not, I don’t know. I’m just sick of not knowing things. Here, on this planet, I’ve learned how necessary the truth is. I’ve learned that I value knowing, even if it breaks me.”

“Is that why you ended up being so careless? What truth broke you enough to end up with that sleazy--”

“It doesn’t matter! If I make mistakes, I make them. But at least they’re my choices. And at least I understand what I didn’t understand before. That’s important to me. I’ve realized that now.”

“Orra, you should just drop this. You don’t need to know everything. Some things are just better left as they are. Sometimes it’s just better to let these things fade away. Let them die.”

“No!” I yelled, shoving his chest. “After how you manipulated me, you owe this to me! After everything you’ve done to me, and I still come back to you! I ask you for one thing, and you’re too much of a pussy to do it for me? Dammit! I need to see it! You owe me at least that.”

He shook his head. “But what good will it do?”

“That’s for me to decide,” I cried. “No more deciding for me. Let me choose my own fate.”

He sighed. “Fine. I guess I have no choice.” He said it as if admitting defeat would break him. I figured he believed seeing what had happened would be the final straw to drive me away from him for good. I couldn’t be sure it wouldn’t be. But no matter how much the Force and my heart pushed me to him, I knew I needed the truth. Just like with my mother. Just like with Obi-Wan. I didn’t care if all of it would break me. I was tired of living the life others had chosen for me. I wanted to know my past so I could see my future.

Kylo closed his eyes and relaxed. I felt him reach out with the Force, and I responded.

“Commander Ren, please let me explain.” I was back in Kylo’s perspective. Drakri stood before him, pleading for his life now.

Kylo didn’t seem to care. He reached out his hand, and I felt the Force snag Drakri’s neck, squeezing the air out of him.

“I love her -- she -- loves me,” Drakri choked out.“If you hurt me -- you hurt her! You don’t -- want that!”

Kylo’s arm shook fiercely, and he tightened his grip before reluctantly releasing it.

“What the fuck did you say?”

Drakri collapsed to the floor and gasped for air.

“What did you say!” Kylo screamed and activated his lightsaber. I felt its heat pulse all around me. It was nothing, though, compared to Kylo’s rage.

Drakri held out a hand and tried to collect his breath. “I think -- I think I know now who she’s been with. I -- I knew she had fallen for someone else. But I -- I thought I could -- I didn’t know it was you.”

Kylo swung his lightsaber against the wall. Burning crisps of metal showered the room, and Kylo punched the wall right next to where he’d burned it.

“I should kill you for insinuating such a thing.”

Drakri shook his head. “Do it then. But you know it’ll destroy her.”

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!” he screamed.

“She may love you, but I know her much better than you,” Drakri countered. “You can’t control that girl the way you control everything else. If you kill me, you’ll lose her. She’ll figure it out. And she won’t back down to you. She’ll never forget it. She’ll never forget what you’ve done.”

“You act like you know,” Kylo seethed. “You don’t know shit.”

“Then kill me, Ren. Fucking kill me.”

Kylo pointed his saber at Drakri. I saw his blue eyes bulge. But then Kylo dropped the saber and turned. He looked down at his hand, and I felt a similar feeling that I’d often felt when Kylo was most vulnerable. It was like he was a little boy and the universe was this wondrous thing, but it scared him, and all he wanted was to become stronger so he wouldn’t be scared anymore.

“You are now barred from acting on this ship,” he said, defeat in his words, fear in his tone. “You will be transferred to the engineering division on Pressy’s Tumble. You’re lucky you’re a valuable asset to the First Order. You leave immediately, and you never reach out to her or anyone on this ship or in her squadron again. Do you understand?”

“Let me say goodbye to her.”

“My anger might just be more important to me than her feelings, you know,” he said, raising his lightsaber again.

“Fine. Immediately. No contact with anyone.”

I heard Drakri stand and exit the room, the doors sealing behind him and leaving Kylo alone with his anger.

And then Kylo pushed me away, and I returned to Obi-Wan’s hut exhausted and confused.

“You didn’t kill him?”

“No.”

“Why did you let me think you did?”

He shrugged.

“Don’t do that! Tell me. Answer my question.”

He sighed a deep sigh and stood up, walked around the room, and leaned against a wall as if exhausted.

“If I had told you, then you’d think I was weak.”

“Weak?”

“Yes.”

I felt that scared little boy again. This was Ben. It was in these moments that I felt him. It was in these moments that I felt that desire to love and protect. I reached out to him with the Force, but he would not receive me.

“Why would I think you were weak?” I asked.

“I showed him mercy.”

“No you didn’t,” I said.

“I let him live.”

“But it wasn’t him you showed mercy to. And it wasn’t mercy you were thinking of when you acted. It was compassion. And it was compassion for me.”

He laughed sarcastically as if the word compassion was a joke to him.

“It takes more strength to not act on your anger and jealousy. It’s so easy to hate. It’s hard to love.”

He didn’t answer.

“I love you, Ben.”

He didn’t turn to me.

“And I know you love me. We protect the ones we love. I know that now. You were trying to protect me, though in your own way. And even though you acted with jealousy, you couldn’t cross the line to hurt me. I -- I spent a long time trying to hurt you. I wanted to hurt you because of how you hurt me, but now I know that’s no way to act with the person you love. Instead, we should be each other’s protectors. That’s the life we should live for one another.”

He turned to me conflicted. It was like he had been given this message before, and he wasn’t sure if he could believe it.

“Then come back with me,” he begged. “Come back with me.”

“To be your apprentice?”

“No. To rule by my side! We can do whatever we want. We can be whoever we want. We can be each other’s protectors as we rule the galaxy side by side.”

He offered me his hand, but something inside me said not to take it. It was what it had always been: the competing desire in my heart to take his hand and to push his hand away. I couldn’t understand what more I needed from him. He hadn’t killed Drakri. He had learned that he couldn’t control me. He had shown compassion and the need to protect. He loved me. He now viewed us as equals. So what was it? I did not know.

“I -- need to think about it,” I answered, turning away from his hand and curling up on the bed, making myself small.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” he said. His voice sounded pathetic.

“I -- I don’t know either,” I said.

“I thought you wanted this! You just said--”

“I know what I just said! It’s just -- I don’t know.”

He threw up his hands and started looking for his clothes.

I started to cry. I felt anger fill my heart, but I did not know who or what I was angry at. I had so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the words to express it. I thought I had come so far. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but here in the moment when I could make a choice, I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do.

“All I’m asking is for you to choose me,” he said as he put himself back together and moved for the door. He was ready to walk out on me. I didn’t blame him.

“Ben, I--”

“Don’t call me that!” he screamed. “Is that what Obi-Wan told you to start calling me? Is that what you’re holding onto? Huh?” He spun around and looked up, as if seeking Obi-Wan’s ghost hovering in the rafters. “Let go of her, old man! Your part in the story is over. The galaxy doesn’t belong to you anymore. Let us live our lives!” Then he turned to me and scowled. “Let go of all of this! Forget what Obi-Wan has said to you, whatever it was! We can live our lives outside of his shadow! We don’t need to listen to ghosts. There is nobody to tell us that our way is the wrong way. We can live however we want. We can use the dark side. We can make things the way we want. We’re not bound to the past. You aren’t, and I’m not. So one more time, I’m asking you. Will you come back with me?”

He held out his hand one last time, and as I looked at it, I knew it was my last chance. I could take it and take him, or I could turn my back on him and lose his love forever. I could feel him slipping too, and part of me feared what he’d become if I rejected him. I wondered if I was the only one who could pull him from his ever-escalating rage. I wondered if that was what I needed to do to protect him.

But I worried that in doing so, I wouldn’t be able to protect myself. I worried that I would become a bad person if I took his hand. I didn’t want to be a bad person. I didn’t want to disappoint my mother.

But I didn’t want to see him lose himself even more. I didn’t want Kylo to destroy Ben, so I stood, crossed the room, and placed my hand in his.

“I’ll go back with you,” I said, sure that my voice outed my indecision.

He didn’t seem to care. The feeling of my hand in his seemed to comfort him, and he let out a small laugh as he smiled and kissed my forehead.

“You scared me there for a moment, I’m not going to lie.”

I fell into his chest and let him envelop me. “I just need to say goodbye to a friend before I leave. Is that okay?”

“I’ll be waiting for you. Take your time.”

He smiled down at me and then lowered his lips to mine. I met them, embarrassed that my tears stung our lips. He didn’t care. When he lifted his face from mine, he rubbed his thumb against my lips, wiped the tears from my cheeks, and turned to leave, picking up his helmet as he walked through the door.

“You’re not going to stay here?”

“If I stay too long, I’m sure my presence would be noted by my command ships. I don’t want the First Order coming here.”

“Oh. Well, thank you then.”

He offered me one last smile, then the helmet replaced his face, and he was Kylo Ren again, Supreme Leader of the First Order. “Make your way home after your goodbyes, my Empress. Seek me out with the Force, and we’ll find one another again.”

I watched him walk off into the night, but I didn’t linger. I returned to the bed we had shared and closed my eyes, trying to understand what I was doing. The effort pained me, and I fell asleep quickly, alone and cold.

#

The next morning, I awoke to voices. Instinctively, I summoned my lightsabers and reached out to the Force. I felt a powerful response unlike anything I had ever felt before. But beside it, I felt a familiar, warm presence. It was Makhi. He had finally returned, and though I rushed out to meet him, I was guarded as I didn’t know what he had brought with him.

“Where have you been? You disappeared,” I called to him as I walked out into the suns and greeted him. He was exiting a speeder, but he was not alone. Finn was unloading some crates, but there was a girl in a white robe with him. She seemed to have been helping him, but now that I’d come out into the light, she was frozen and staring at me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. The Force radiated from her, and I didn’t know whether to feel threatened or embraced.

“I had some resistance business to attend to,” Makhi said in a joking way. “I’m kind of a big deal now, you know!”

“Tell me who that girl is,” I demanded, ignoring him.

“Oh, that’s someone you definitely should meet. She’s the ‘Kylo Ren’ of the resistance. Well, I call her that -- sometimes -- when she’s not listening. She doesn’t like the title, I guess.”

She was beautiful. She had a square jaw and powerful eyes that didn’t leave mine. I felt her reach out through the Force the same way I was. It was like we were testing one another. But I was distracted. A few small bangs fluttered in the wind, as did her white robes. On her belt hung a silver lightsaber.

“Is that a Jedi?” I asked.

“Oh, now that’s a better title,” Makhi said, beaming. He turned to her and waved. “Rey, this is my friend I was telling you about. Orra-Sky.”

She made her way over to us. I watched her carefully, both out of caution and intrigue. Her aura was pure light. It was almost too perfect, and it annoyed me. But I was fascinated by her. She had green eyes like emeralds, and though they were powerful and focused, they burned with kindness. Despite my caution and apprehension, I felt like I’d known her my whole life. She felt familiar.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Rey.” She spoke Basic with the classical accent of the Core Worlds. There was something almost regal about her. It was the way she carried herself, like everything was new and exciting, yet she was in full control of it all.

“Why don’t we go inside,” I said, struggling to find words as she held out her hand and I took it. It was such a different feeling than when I had held Kylo’s hand the night before. Whereas his could encircle mine and was rough and weathered, hers was soft, small, and fit perfectly in my palm. I think she felt that connection too, like we fit with one another.

She nodded, smiled, and followed me inside. Makhi and Finn were close behind.

I felt her behind me. She seemed to be exploring not just my own energy, but the energy of the room. I quickly realized her connection to the Force was stronger than mine, and she probably was on sensory overload as she reached out to feel the presence of every Force wielder who had been there in the past. For a moment, I panicked, worried that Kylo’s energy might still be hovering in the air, so I focused my own energy to cover the entire room. She noticed, and I think she took it as me reaching out to her. She responded in kind, and our energies danced together, mixing into one.

“Well now, what is this?” Makhi shrieked and called my name, disrupting our rhythm. I turned to him and panicked. He was holding a black sash. It was one of Kylo’s that he must have forgotten the night before. “There’s only one man I know who could fit in robes like this,” he said, purring and winking at me. I felt my face flush, and I looked at Rey with embarrassment. She seemed amused by the whole thing.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I cried out to Makhi as I rushed over to him and took back the sash. “Can you not be you for just two seconds?”

Mahki flicked his wrist forward at me and stuck his tongue out. I slapped him away and went to the other side of the room to hide my embarrassment.

“There’s nothing to freak out about,” he said. “I already told them that you’re nothing but a horny girl who never saw a pole she didn’t want to jump on.”

“Oh my stars,” Rey said, clearly uncomfortable but a little amused.

“What is wrong with you!” I cried.

“I ask him that every day,” said Finn, holding his head in his hand and shaking it, clearly ashamed.

Makhi ate it all up.

“Um, two lightsabers, yeah?” Rey said, pointing at my hips and desperately trying to change the subject.

I was still burning with anger and embarrassment, but I tried to respond. “Yeah. It’s a -- comfort thing. I don’t know.”

Rey nodded and smiled. “Finn and Mahki told me about how you killed Snoke. I couldn’t believe it. You’ll have to tell me the whole story some time, yeah?”

I smiled at her and nodded.

“I can feel how powerful you are. And to take down Snoke, that is stunning. You know, we could use you on our side. You and I, we could do a lot together.”

I felt myself burn with embarrassment once more, but I didn’t know why. Rey wouldn’t take her eyes off me, and her smile was constant. I didn’t know how her gaze made me feel. I couldn’t tell if she was analyzing me through the Force or sizing me up or what. Her aura was unique. It wasn’t like with Kylo where I could peer into his mind when I wanted (though he’d feel it and push me away more often than not). And it wasn’t like she was a wall that couldn’t be penetrated. She was more like a glare in the sky. If I looked too hard at her, her light would blind me, and I’d have to look away. I didn’t know how that made me feel.

“This is exactly how I pictured he’d smell. Like leather. Like a man.” Makhi’s voice broke my concentration. He was by the bed Kylo and I had shared. He was smelling the blankets.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” I cried, rushing over to him and shooing him away. He retreated back to Finn, laughing the whole way.

I tried to tidy the bed up and frantically looked around to make sure there were no other signs of the previous night’s guest, all the while trying to continue the conversation. “Look, I appreciate the vote of confidence. And it was nothing, really. I’m -- I wouldn’t be a good fit for your Resistance. I mean, I can’t just join the resistance.” I looked back over at Rey who had not stopped smiling at me. “I -- well, it’s complicated, but I think I just -- I have other obligations. I’m sorry.”

“Yes. Big obligations,” Makhi said, laughing to himself.

“What did you do to him, Finn?” I asked. “He’s even worse than when I knew him before.”

“Don’t blame me,” said Finn, slapping Makhi’s shoulder to shut him up. Makhi responded with a look of utter confusion, as if he’d never done anything wrong in his life.

I sighed then looked back at Rey. “I’m sorry. But I think I will be of more use if I go where I need to go. I need to go back to the First Order. I have -- unfinished business there. I have to follow my own path right now.”

“I think so too,” said Rey, offering me another warm smile.

“Am I the only one that sees this as a problem?” Finn interjected. “No offense, but I don’t think allowing another Force user to go back to the First Order is a good idea. I don’t want to doubt you, Orra-Sky, but you know how it is there. They’ll kill you! Or they’ll do something to get you back in their ranks. You know how easy it is to fall to the darkness. I know you do! We all do! What makes you any different than any of those who came before who couldn’t fight off the darkness?”

“What makes me different is I’m not seeking power,” I answered. “I hate the First Order--”

“Okay, but Ren is the First Order now. What if he--”

“I know what you’ll say! But it’s more complicated than you know. He’s more complicated than you know. There is -- there’s another side to him that--”

“No, no. You can’t go defending him after what he’s done. After what he did on Jakku, and on all those planets before. What he did to Solo? Come on, Rey. You’re with me on this, right?”

Rey didn’t answer.

“What about what he did to Drakri,” said Makhi, now serious. “C, I know how you feel, but you have to remember that.”

“That’s just it,” I said. “I thought for the longest time that he killed Drakri, but he didn’t. He didn’t kill him because he knew what it would do to me. He spared him for me. He showed compassion.”

“Oh, big deal. He didn’t kill one person. What about Solo?” Finn cried.

“Who?” I asked.

“Finn,” Rey interrupted, “I think we have to trust her with this. Oftentimes, the truth is much more complicated than our own limited perspectives will allow us to understand. And there is always a chance for the light to overtake the darkness. I think we should trust in the Force right now.”

Finn shook his head. “Someone who murders others can’t be forgiven. Don’t we remember the Hosnian Cataclysm?”

Everyone grew quiet, but I was determined.

“I’m sorry, Finn, but I can’t give up on him. I’m sorry. I just -- the Force has spoken to me. My -- others have spoken to me. I am not asking you to forgive him, but I have to follow my own path here. I have to do what I think is right.

Makhi smiled at me. “Finn,” he said, taking his hand, “we both should know that everyone is capable of change, and everyone deserves a second chance. And we both know that when love is at stake, nothing else matters.”

Finn shook his head and sighed. “I don’t know. What do you think, Rey?”

“I think if anyone can bring my brother back, it’s her.”

“Brother?” I asked.

“Yes.” For the first time, the smile left her face. “He’s my older brother. But it’s -- it’s been a long time since we were together. When I was very young, he turned to the dark side. I was sent away from him for my own protection. The whole thing has been -- painful.”

“That explains why it feels like I’ve known you my whole life,” I said.

She gave me a sad smile. “Yes, I suppose that makes sense. But he’s so different now. He’s grown so strong. It’s terrifying sometimes when I think of how powerful he’s become and how much he’s changed.”

“He’s still no match for you,” Finn scoffed. “You gave him a nice scar when you went toe to toe on Starkiller.”

“You’re the scavenger!” I yelled. “You’re the one who scarred his face?”

“Unfortunately. I lost control when I fought him. I had just watched him --”

“He earned it,” Finn said, unapologetically.

“I know it doesn’t mean much, but what he’s done has completely torn him apart,” I said. “He is broken. He lives with regret and guilt. He doesn’t want to be the person he is. I have felt that so many times.”

Rey smiled again, though I felt her bright aura seem to fade the more we talked about Ben. “Our mother saw you coming, you know,” she said. “She said you were Ben’s only hope, and I believe her. It’s why I agree that you need to go back to the First Order. Ben seems more willing to think his actions through when you’re with him. ‘Leave it to a Kenobi to save a Skywalker.’ That’s what my mother said.”

“I’ll do the right thing,” I said. “It’s my obligation to make sure I do the right thing. To protect him from himself. To save him.”

“That is what we must do for those we love,” said Rey. I sensed wisdom in her the same way I had felt wisdom when I spoke to Obi-Wan. She was a Jedi. I could feel it.

“Then I must go. I am off to meet him now. I hope our paths cross once again,” I said.

Rey nodded. Finn sighed. Makhi started to cry.

“You know I’m not going to say goodbye, right?” I told him. “Because it’s not goodbye.”

“C, you know I’m one-hundred percent supporting your choice, but I just want to make sure you're safe,” he said.

“I’ll be okay. Trust me.”

“I do, but you know how I get. And I don’t want to lose you again like I thought I did before, you know?”

“I know.”

He smiled at me, wiped his tears, and pulled out a comlink. “Take this. You call if you need me. If you need us.”

He tossed the comlink to me, and I pocketed it with a grateful smile. “I’m lucky to have a friend like you.”

“Of course you are.”

We all stood and gave each other one last nod, and then I was off. I gave Obi-Wan’s hut one last look and set off into the desert, never turning back to my friends or my past. The journey back to my ship would be rough. Going back into the coldness of space and the darkness of the First Order would be daunting. Setting off on my own once again and into the unknown would be terrifying. But I leaned on the strength of my mother and my grandmother. Their strength flowed through my veins. I would make them proud. I would love like they had loved. I would protect like they had protected. I would make them proud.

The blazing bright suns pounded over the desert as I trekked back to the ship, but I welcomed the oncoming cold darkness of space and the First Order and Kylo. I was heading back to where it all began, but I was ready this time, and nothing was going to stop me.

End of Part Two


	21. All the Colors of the Galaxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3

Before long, I was back on a new destroyer. My breath hitched as I gave my clearance code and entered the bay. Kylo, surrounded by troopers, was waiting for me. I felt hesitant for a second. I couldn’t seem to get a grasp on what exactly I hoped to accomplish or what my motives were now that I was back with him. And at the same time, I couldn’t comprehend being back. Leaving had meant so much to me. Living life on the ground, away from all of it, had been so liberating. I feared what going back might entail. I feared what I could become or what I could lose by returning.

But I was excited too. Seeing his face on the docking bay, eager and hungry, brought back those same old feelings I always had in his presence. I couldn’t escape him, even if I wanted to.

He welcomed me with an awaiting hand. I took it, and we strode through the dock with all eyes on us. Behind every stormtrooper mask, a hidden set of eyes looked on us with fear or revulsion or pride. Every trooper had their own story, their own motivations, and their own desires. I knew that. But for the first time in my life, I was the object of attention, commanding the gaze of everyone in the room, and I couldn’t suppress the feeling of superiority and ego it rose within me. Kylo felt it, I could tell. He squeezed my hand and picked up the pace. It was a show. The Supreme Leader and his Empress. The most powerful rulers in the galaxy. We would lead the First Order to supremacy. Whether the individuals behind the masks truly wished that or not, it did not matter. We were the ones with the power. And it would be flaunted.

We went straight to his quarters without a word to anyone. As we strode through the officers’ hall, the old grizzly men stood at attention. I had never felt such respect and scorn. I realized immediately why Kylo dealt with them with such a firm hand, killing them at will and lashing out in anger whenever anyone questioned his authority. I remembered his outbursts from when I was still a stormtrooper. They were legendary. Simultaneously mocked and feared. I realized it as we walked past them, though, the reasons behind the displays. These men responded only to power, and the slightest sign of weakness would result in the immediate loss of their confidence and respect. That is why the respect I felt as we walked by them was for him and the scorn for me. I felt like, if I truly wished this life, I would have to earn their respect and command their loyalty through action and fear. Knowing I could easily accomplish this sent a strange sensation through me, and as I looked up to Kylo’s commanding frame, that feeling grew. It was that old feeling of intoxication I always felt around him. It was the lust of power.

Inside his quarters, he guided me to the viewscreen where what seemed like the entire galaxy floated before us. I tried to take it all in -- the stars and nebulae and supernovas all stretched out across an endless expanse of space. The colors swirled and danced and perfectly balanced the light and the dark. It was another moment of intoxication. I felt like I could reach out a hand and squeeze the entire thing, letting its blood ooze from my hands as if it was a beating heart and I was ending its life.

Kylo sensed this. He didn’t hesitate to move over to me, take my shoulders in my hands, and whisper into the top of my head. “This is all ours.”

He didn’t need to say or do more. I turned and embraced him, my lips digging into his, my hips plastering onto his.

“I love you, Orra,” he breathed into my mouth between kisses.

I was on a rampage though, not letting him speak, widening my lips and eating the breath of his words. He was taken aback, but he wasn’t one to ever be dominated, and quickly his broad shoulders and wide chest consumed me, undressed me, attacked me. I threw my head back as he dug his teeth into my lips, my neck, my breasts. His hands were all over me, squeezing and pinching and scratching. His lips circled my breasts, covering every bit of them, lingering on my nipples, licking and biting. I moaned over and over and dug my hands into his hair.

“Kylo, I--”

He raised a hand to my mouth and squeezed it shut, pushing my neck up in the process. I stared at the ceiling as he worked my breasts some more, intoxicated no longer by the power I felt but intoxicated by the power he had over me.

“While I’m fucking you, I’m the Supreme Leader, got it?” he asked.

I let out a small gasp. “Of course, Supreme Leader Ren.”

“More like it.”

He lowered his hand and brought it and his other hand behind my knees. With a quick jerk, he lifted me off the ground and carried me over to his bed, all the while never taking his mouth from my body. I leaned into him harder until we reached the bed and he dropped me, leaving me on my back and looking up at him as he undid his belt.

“I don’t think you deserve for me to fuck you after all the stunts you’ve pulled,” he said, halfway between serious and joking. I rolled my eyes, taking his challenge. He lifted an eyebrow, encouraged. “This attitude you have going on is going to get you into a lot of trouble, Empress.”

“Why don’t you shut up and fuck me already?”

He didn’t waste any movement. His pants were down, his cock was out, and with a violent swipe, he flipped me onto my stomach. “On all fours,” he demanded.

I followed orders, lifting my hips up for him. I felt him rip at my robes, pulling them down and slamming himself into me without any warning. I gasped and naturally dropped my head, but he reached over my back, took hold of my hair in a powerful hand, and yanked me back, pulling my vision back to the ceiling. I screamed in delight as he thrust in and out.

“Scream louder! I want everyone to hear you!” he barked.

I tried to defy him, but he pushed harder and brought a thunderous hand onto my ass. The sound of it mixed with the slapping of my skin against him shook me, and I couldn’t stop my scream.

“Asshole,” I cried between screams and moans, panting the entire time. He smirked and yanked my head closer to him. I felt my spine curl painfully, but he didn’t relent. He brought his lips to my ear and bit down, thrusting harder with his hips behind me. I felt myself pushed and pulled in all places and in all directions, and I loved it.

“I want everyone to know you’re mine. Got it?”

I didn’t answer.

“I said, got it?” he repeated.

“Y--yes, Supreme Leader,” I managed to respond, but it was hard to think as my body verged closer and closer to climax. I felt my legs tighten and my stomach clench. The screams and pants got stuck in my throat, and I tried to release all the tension building inside me, but no sound came out. I lost the strength in my knees and fell to the bed. He dug into me even deeper for a moment, but then feeling me tighten, he was quick to come out of me. I felt a moment of panic as I missed the feeling of him, but before I could protest, he had grabbed my legs and lifted them up onto his shoulders, and in an instant, his mouth was between my legs and his tongue was slipping over my clit. The move took me by surprise, and I gasped as my head buried into the bed. I ducked it under my collarbone as much as I could to see what he was doing, but I could only see his stomach and his cock, which was throbbing beneath my dripping body. But my vision failed me. I felt like I was looking back at that galaxy as stars flashed across my eyes, and I squeezed my legs hard like pincers around his head. I feared I would pop his eyes out of their sockets with my pressure, but it only emboldened him, and he moved his tongue in circles and up and down, sucking and licking and soaking up all of me.

The moment didn’t last long, and had I not fallen to the bed in complete exhaustion, I would have wanted it to continue. But my whole body was vibrating and shaking as he let me finish on my own, sprawled out beneath him and completely at his mercy.

“You taste amazing,” he said. I managed to turn over onto my back and watched him run his arm over his mouth, wiping it like he’d just partaken in a feast. “How’d I get so lucky?”

His words were more than an empty compliment. I could see the unrestrained desire and satisfaction in his eyes. Yes, there was the look of conquest, as there always is in such moments. But more than that, there was a look of completeness, like he’d finally secured a broken part of himself. He had grown. His need for me had grown. I thought he had finally learned to appreciate me more than everything else in his life. I thought, in that moment, that I had completely saved him from himself.

The look in his eyes aroused my hunger once again, and I pulled him down to the bed and onto his back. He fell willingly, and I climbed on top of him, positioned my hips atop his, and guided him inside me once again. I was still wet, and now he felt even thicker than before. I moved my hips over him, gyrating with power. He cocked his head back and moaned. I had taken control, and I didn’t plan on letting up, though admittedly, being on top of him allowed for deeper penetration, and I felt myself losing it again. But it did not take long to get him in this spot, and as I focused on tightening, choking, then releasing, I felt him tense up and give out. Just as I felt myself coming to the end once more, I felt him release into me, pulsing hard and fast and warm. I responded with a hard squeeze as I collapsed into him, and the both of us let out our last passionate moans.

When he finally regained his breath, he wrapped his arms around me and snickered. “You’re the galaxy's biggest distraction,” he said.

“Please, on my first mission on Jakku, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you when you walked off your ship. They should call you the Stormtrooper slayer.”

This made him laugh deeper and more childlike than I’d ever heard. I logged the moment in my mind as something never to forget. In that moment, the image of Kylo Ren -- the dark man in the mask -- was like a faded raindrop on the ground -- once there, never to be seen again.

“I know you say that, but you have no idea how distracted I was when I arrived that night. Your presence -- it consumed me. It’s always consumed me,” he said.

I smiled. “I’m just glad to mean something to you. Before you, I never felt like I meant something to anyone; like I occupied any space in anyone’s mind. I just felt like an empty shell of a thing. Like there was nothing behind my mask.”

“I know the feeling,” he said.

“And now, this is all I need.”

He didn’t answer for a long time, and we laid naked and sweaty and tangled in each other’s arms for a long time, the only sound being the distant echoes of ship announcements, troop movements, or the dull groan of the ship making a maneuver through space. I had almost forgotten that dull groan -- the ever present pulse of the ship. Before, it was an annoyance. Or a bad feeling, like ache right before a terrible sickness comes on. But now, in Kylo’s arms, it was like a song only the two of us could hear, and under its beat, we danced motionless and in perfect harmony.

“Are you with me?” he asked after a long while, just as I felt myself drifting into a deep sleep.

“Of course,” I said automatically.

He nodded and squeezed me tighter. The ship’s ever present chill vanished under his embrace, and again, as always, I felt myself lulled into sleep in his arms.

But he was suddenly restless. I felt him tense, and a chill ran up his side.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He shook his head. “The Force -- it’s calling to me. Something is -- off.”

“I don’t feel anything,” I said, closing my eyes and nestling against his chest, hoping to calm him but honestly too tired to really care.

The tension in him rang some more, but I placed a hand on his chest and scratched him lightly, hoping it would soothe him. I don’t know if it worked or if his feeling passed, but he returned to me then and relaxed. I felt his heart slow to match mine, and soon I wasn’t sure if I was awake or dreaming. I leaned into him softly, though, forgetting everything that had happened before, and let that weightless feeling of sleep take me. I couldn’t seem to remember why I had returned or what I thought I needed to do. All I could think about was how warm it was to lay in his embrace as we floated silently through black empty space, far away from all the colors of the galaxy.


	22. The Gala

Suddenly, my life was a whirlwind of power and prestige. Everywhere I went on the ship, I commanded attention and respect. It was a sensation I had never experienced, and quickly it became something I didn’t want to lose.

Even better, though, was Kylo. Each morning he greeted me with a kiss. His kisses were like warm water welcoming me to the day, and more often than not, they ended with both of us naked, sweating, and exhausted, ready for sleep just after waking. There were days we hardly left Kylo’s quarters, and sometimes I wondered how the First Order was even functioning with me occupying its leader all the time.

But the galaxy continued to spin, and the ship continued to fly. And every day Kylo and I spent together, I felt our bond grow even stronger. There seemed for the first time to be nothing between us to block our love and connection. We were completely entwined both physically and through the Force, and for a time, I don’t think either of us thought anything bad could ever happen again.

One day, Kylo woke me up with a surprise.

“I have a seamstress coming in to make you a dress,” he said.

“A dress?”

“Yes. We’re holding a gala tonight. You will be wearing the most beautiful dress in the galaxy. The most beautiful dress for the most beautiful woman.”

I blushed. “Why are we holding a gala?”

He stared at me intensely. Everything with him was intense. Intensity lived in his eyes. “It is in your honor.”

“Mine?”

“Yes. To commemorate your ascension within the First Order. The entire legion of commanders are to come to pay you homage.”

“Oh,” I said, not sure how to react.

“It is time the galaxy sees what I have seen. It’s time the galaxy is awoken to its new Empress.”

I smiled shyly, still unsure of the whole thing but willing to be swept along Kylo’s grand vision. “Well in that case, would you prefer black or red?”

He walked over to me and placed his body between my legs.

“Red.”

He was ready to kiss me again when a knock on the door interrupted us. Dismayed, he moved to the door and let in an old, frazzled-looking woman who wheeled in a rack of about twenty dresses. She seemed incredibly annoyed and overwhelmed. She had loose threads and fabrics strewn around her shoulders and through her hair, and more measuring tapes wrapped around her wrists and waists than seemed practical. Kylo paid her eccentricities no mind, so I followed his lead.

“Pick whichever one you like,” he told me, motioning to the rack.

“These are all beautiful. It’s going to be hard to choose,” I said, jolting to the rack and running my fingers through the threads. It took me a while to choose, but I eventually settled on a tight red long sleeve with a slit running from the midsection down to the bottom.

“I’d like to try this one, please,” I told the dressmaker.

She waved a hand at me and took the dress from the rack before essentially throwing it at me.

“Thank you,” I said, retreating to another room to try it on.

The dress fit perfectly. It wrapped around me like silk skin, and I thought I looked like a completely different person. As I looked at myself in the mirror, it dawned on me how recently I had shed my mask and wore my face in the open for all to see. Now as I looked at my face, I felt a swell of pride, and for the first time in my life, I thought I was beautiful.

“Is this the one?” Kylo asked, walking into the room and looking up and down at me.

I nodded enthusiastically.

He smiled and led me back to the seamstress, who proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes poking and prodding me with pins and needles. I smiled through it all, though, as I had never been tailored before. I felt like a pampered princess, and nothing--not even Kylo’s brooding in the corner the entire time--could dissuade me from my happiness.

When she finished her work, the woman took the dress and her rack of dresses and tools, and she left us. I took up a brush and began to work on my hair as Kylo sat in the corner with his arms crossed and watched me.

“What is it?” I asked, sensing his grumpiness.

“That woman did not show you the proper respect. You should have dealt more firmly with her.”

I rolled my eyes and continued working on my hair.

“They will not respect someone they think is weak.”

I shrugged. “And they’ll turn on me the moment they can if they fear me.”

He sighed and dropped the subject, though I felt his continued annoyance as I put my face together.

“I’ve never worn heels before,” I said, trying to change the subject.

“Something tells me you’ll be just fine.”

“Oh? A feeling you have?”

He sighed. “You’re good at picking up new things. I’m sure this will be no different than when you learned Force projection. Remember?”

“Of course,” I said, smiling at the memory. “It helped that we were naked whenever we practiced.

He cracked a grin, but his brooding quickly returned.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Nobody is this grumpy over a seamstress.”

He shook his head.

“Tell me,” I said. “You gotta talk to me when something’s wrong.”

He shook his head again. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just this feeling. It’s like someone is calling out to me, but I can’t see them. I can’t reach them. I don’t know what it is. It’s just -- annoying.”

I looked him over and noticed how strained he looked. Something was clearly wrong, but it didn’t seem like something I should push. Instead, I blew him a kiss and smiled at him through the mirror. “If anyone can figure it out, it’s you,” I told him, but he didn’t respond. I had seen that brooding silence in him before. Here was a scarred man. He would always be scarred, I figured. But I hoped to help him heal however I could. I remembered the look of Anakin in the vision I had on Tatooine. He had the look of a monster in his eyes. The sight of him had taught me how dangerous the Force could be, but I vowed to save Kylo from such a fate. The only way I could do that, I figured, was to be there for him. It was all I could do.

#

It took me a number of hours to fully get ready. But with hair up, my makeup on, and the dress wrapped tightly around my body, I was ready for the evening’s gala. Kylo had drifted off into sleep at some point, so I woke him with a light tap of the shoulder and spun around in front of him as he came back to life.

“Was red a good choice?” I asked.

He rose quickly and took me by the hips, lifted me in the air, and spun me around him. I giggled as he brought me down and held me tight.

“It was. But it’s not the dress that has me speechless right now.”

I felt him smile wide as he kissed me and squeezed my hips. I felt him getting into it, though, and pushed him away.

“Hey! This took a lot of work. Don’t we have somewhere to be?”

He laughed. “I guess I should get ready too?”

“I would hope!”

“Fine. Give me a few minutes.”

He left to get ready, and when he returned, I felt my heart flutter. He wore a sleek black tuxedo, dark as his hair. He had slicked back his hair, and now he stood tall with broad shoulders and a thick chest. The tuxedo fit him well, too, and beneath it, I could imagine his lean muscular form, powerful arms, and long legs.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Good. Let’s do this.”

He offered me an arm, and I gladly took it. I had put on the heels, and now every step felt dangerous.

“Promise me you won’t let me fall tonight?” I said, leaning into him as I lost my balance.

“I promise,” he answered, looking down at me with the kindest expression I’d ever seen him wear. Though the promise of the night seemed daunting to me, he seemed at ease and confident. It was as if he had waited a long time for this moment to walk amongst his underlings with me on his arm. I found the desire to show me off endearing and validating, and his confidence gave me confidence.

We exited his quarters to a line of stormtroopers standing at the ready. They formed a line all the way to the hanger where Kylo’s ship sat ready.

“Where are all the commanders?” I asked him, noticing that only troopers seemed on board.

“The gala is in full swing,” he answered. “Hundreds are there, including most of this ship’s crew. We will arrive last.”

I smiled, thinking of the grandeur of it all. Kylo swiftly guided us to his ship, we boarded, and instantly we were off into space, flying down to a small ruby planet below.

“This planet is a bit of a luxury retreat for high ranking First Order lieutenants. Most at the gala have never seen it. They will consider it an honor to be there,” Kylo explained as we entered the atmosphere.

I peered out of the side window and gasped as I took in the planet. It seemed not to have a surface; instead, the entire landscape was covered by bright green gardens of vines, trees, and bloomed flowers, all of which hung above the non-existent ground, hanging in the light air. Though the landscape was certainly natural and wild, there was a beautiful order to it all. It did not tangle itself like an unruly jungle; instead, nature had formed in an orderly way, and everything seemed to exist in harmony, forever suspended in midair. And as we approached, it seemed like what was supposed to be the ground was instead another hanging garden, though this one seemed flipped, as if mirroring the hanging gardens above.

“Is there no ground?” I asked.

“The surface is reflective, and none of foliage grows on it. It hovers. It’s a unique phenomenon.”

“I’ll say.”

Kylo guided us to a landing pad outside the only structure in sight. It was a massive golden palace in the shape of a large ball. It too seemed to hover and then reflect, as if it were floating atop an endless green ocean. And when we landed and departed the ship, the surface felt like glass, though everything around us was light and airy and natural.

“The air here is so dry. How is that possible with so much foliage?” I asked.

“There is no moisture in the atmosphere,” Kylo explained.

“Then how do the plants survive?”

“Can you not feel it?”

I gasped. All around me, the Force swelled, and I felt completely in tune with every sense and every detail of the galaxy. The still air was just an extension of me. The silent trees tickled my skin. The glass surface reflected not only my outer being, but my heart as well. I looked down at my reflection in the ground and smiled. I was like a burning star in the middle of a green galaxy, and Kylo beside me was black space.

“Understand?” he asked, watching me take in the energy around us.

I nodded.

“Good. Now let’s go.” He offered me an arm, and I took it, leaning into his sturdy frame as we approached the golden dome and the sounds of music and revelers. I peered ahead through the massive archway entrance. I could see the swift shapes of dancers--men and women, all in uniform or in costume or dressed in their fanciest garb. There was the ever present sound of clinking glasses and popping of bottles. The drinks flowed freely, and every soul seemed to be free of any inhibition or duty to anything but the moment. I felt equal parts nervousness and excitement as we entered, hoping to meet real people, not the stiff empty suits and hollow helmets that walked the halls of the star destroyers.

But Kylo’s entrance brought the party to a standstill. The music immediately stopped, the glasses were dropped, the drinks no longer flowed, and everyone in the gala stood at attention to see their leader enter.

Kylo waved his hand and spoke loud for all to hear.

“Allow me to introduce the lady in red, the lady Ren,” he declared, lifting our entwined hands and gesturing toward me. “She is to be an equal master of the First Order to me. She is, in effect, an extension of me, and I of her. This gala tonight is in her honor, and all will follow and respect her as all follow and respect me. We revel tonight in honor of her and in our continued pursuit of justice in the galaxy as we seek to stamp out the loathsome traitors to freedom. Now that is all I will say to you all tonight. Return to your drinks and your dance. Long live the First Order!” He bellowed out the last line, and all in attendance responded in kind as the music started once more and the drink flowed again and the dancing resumed.

“Shall we?” He stepped away and offered his hand to me, beckoning me to dance.

“Of course,” I said, blushing as all the eyes in the room remained on us. I felt every man look upon me with varying thoughts. Some looked at me with lust. Some with disdain. Maybe a few looked at me with respect. I was scared to dance. I didn’t feel comfortable in the heels, but Kylo held me tight against him as he moved us to the center of the dance floor and began to gently sway with me.

“None of these old fools can keep their eyes off you. I wish I would have brought my lightsaber,” he whispered to me. I laughed into his chest. He was too tall for me, even in my heels, and I felt like when he spoke to me, he was speaking to the top of my head. I arched my neck back to look at him, but I felt awkward doing so and didn’t wish to look dumb in front of all the watching eyes, so I buried my head deep into his chest and let him move us.

“It’s not just me,” I said. “I think they’re shocked to see you as a real person. They’ve probably never seen you out of your robes.”

He tightened his grip around my waist and pulled me closer. I felt his heart quicken.

“What’s on your mind, Supreme Leader?” I asked playfully, thinking he was turned on.

“So many things,” he replied, “though it’s always hard for me to grasp all my thoughts when you’re so close.”

“Because I’m a galactic distraction?” I asked.

I felt him smile. “No. It’s because you weaken me.”

“Oh,” I said, somewhat offended.

“It’s not a bad thing,” he interjected, sensing my confusion. “It’s--it’s just your power over me. You make me forget so many things that don’t really matter, I guess. I don’t know. It’s an evolving feeling. But every day since you’ve returned, it’s like gravity is weakening around me.”

“For me, it’s time,” I answered.

“What do you mean?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess it’s like time is no longer flying by me, but it’s also not crawling still. For a long time, I felt like I had no control over time’s passage, and I bounced between the feeling that I was being swept forward too fast or that I was being frozen with no chance of movement. Now, I just feel like I’m on this wind, and time is a gentle cloud pushing me along. It’s what I imagine time is supposed to feel like,” I explained.

He nodded. “Well, it seems we’ve conquered time and gravity. I suppose we’re the strongest beings in the galaxy.”

I laughed. “Or we’re just two messed up people who are finally starting to make things right.”

“I like that. So why not take that feeling and amplify it?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

I felt his pulse quicken. “Marry me, Orra-Sky. Marry me, and let us conquer time and gravity for the rest of our lives.”

I pushed my head away from his chest and looked up at his dark eyes. He looked down at me with something I had only seen a few times from him: vulnerability. This was his most sincere emotion. It was what rose to the surface when he shed all of his masks and existed just as he was. He was Ben now. There was no Kylo Ren. There was no First Order. There wasn’t even the Force. There was just the broken remains of a boy trapped in the shell of a man, and here he was offering his entire universe for me. This vulnerability was all he had left to give, and he would only give it to me. I felt his love swell around us, and I answered it with my own love, and just as I was going to respond and offer him my own vulnerability, we were interrupted by the clearing of a throat.

“Not now, Hux,” he barked, trying not to lose the moment between us.

“Excuse me Supreme Leader. Lady Ren. But I need to speak with you. This is urgent.” Hux’s tone was full of fear and anxiety, but clearly whatever was bothering him was worth Kylo’s potential rage at his interruption.   
I looked back to Ben. The moment had passed. His vulnerability had vanished, and he was Kylo Ren once more.

“I’ll be right back,” he said to me, and off he went with Hux, leaving me by myself in the center of all those peering eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to move because I feared I’d fall without him by my side. It was a strange feeling--depending on him as much as I did then. But it was a powerful sort of reliance. He would be there to keep me upright, and I would be there to keep him open and vulnerable. Yet, as with so many things, the trappings of life and office and commitment often spoil the grander, more tender moments of life. And there, that night on the planet of floating gardens and mirrored ground, I was left alone in my fire red dress before a sea of eyes, not sure what was to come.


	23. Return of the Forgotten

I stayed up waiting for Kylo for hours in his chambers before he returned, annoyed and drained. He had changed at some point, and when he came in in his robes, cape, and mask, I felt a cold shudder run down my spine. How easily it was for him to shift between Ben and Kylo Ren. I wondered if he'd be able to keep up such a divide for much longer. He seemed to always be on the edge of breaking.

"What happened?" I asked when he took off his helmet and sat down beside me on his bed.

"There was a problem with a new project we've been finalizing. These fools can't do anything right," he explained.

"What new project?" I asked.

"Oh, well, I'd rather forget about it now. I'm exhausted."

I frowned. "I thought we were sharing this together? Shouldn't I be in on whatever it is we've got going on?"

He sighed. "We've finally made a breakthrough on the Xyston-Class star destroyers."

"What are those?"

"They are a new kind of peacemaker for the galaxy. They hold the power of the Death Star and Starkiller in a swift, moveable fleet. They're the ultimate equalizer in the war. They'll finally let us control the chaos of the galaxy. The resistance will finally fall. We will bring peace and security to the galaxy without further interjections."

I shook my head. "Are you saying you have a fleet of star destroyers that can destroy planets?"

"We, Orra. We have a fleet."

I shuddered again. "This is awful."

"Awful?" He turned to me, excited suddenly. "No, this is everything! This is our chance to start over. This is our chance to get rid of all those who have steered the galaxy to the terrible point it's at right now. We have the ability to correct it. The First Order will bring order to the galaxy."

"Order? You're talking about genocide. That's not something I'll be part of."

He frowned and bit his lip, trying to control his anger with me. "Sometimes order requires sacrifice."

"Not like that!" I cried. "I won't be part of any of this."

"Then why did you take my hand?" he growled.

"I took your hand, not the First Order's. I am not beholden to anything here. I will act how I see fit, regardless of what the First Order wishes. Isn't that the point of being in charge? We can change things for the better. We can act with our conscience, not with our rage."

"You're so fucking stubborn," he moaned. "I can't believe you."

"Whatever," I said, getting up and walking across the room to get away from him. I looked out to the stars, again wondering why I was there. Why had I returned? Everything with Kylo was so inconsistent. One moment I loved him, and the next I hated him. I didn't know what to do to bring him closer to me. I didn't know how to save him from himself.

"Look," he said, speaking softly now, clearly sensing my conflict, "I sense a plot to destroy me. It is a plot coming from within the Order. This--this might be the only chance to keep us safe."

I turned to him and threw up my hands. "You sense betrayal, so your plan is to arm the very people you suspect with a fleet of planet killers?"

He shook his head. "I sense it goes deeper than the commanders. There is something sinister behind it all. It's as if the First Order moves in the shadows with a figure I cannot see but can feel. It's as if my rule is not true. Like there's a master pulling the strings behind it all. I have sensed this, but I don't know what it is. I must be prepared for it, though. I must have as much power as possible to fight it when it reveals itself."

I crossed the room back to him and took his hands in mine, kneeled at his feet, and looked into his eyes. "You're going to invite your own destruction in! You're going to doom yourself, me, and the entire galaxy just to fight this shadow!"

"You don't understand."

"I do! I am the only one who understands because I'm the only one who understands you and your power. These feelings we have--these things we sense--we must not let them act in haste. We can't let these feelings control us. We have to be more measured."

"I can't get the shadow's voice out of my head," he whispered. "It mocks me."

"It mocks you?"

"It baits me, calling me weak. It calls me a child. It calls you a--" He paused.

"A what?"

"A deceiver."

"What?"

He sighed. "I must get it out of my head."

"Who do you think it could be?" I asked.

"I don't know. But we must be ready for it, or I fear it will come for us, and we will be destroyed." I felt him cool at this idea. He was afraid. I had rarely felt such fear from him.

"Okay," I started, "so what can I do? What can I do to convince you that these planet killers aren't the right defense against this shadow? What other option do we have?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. But the fleet will be activated in a few days. Even if I agreed with your protest, I couldn't stop the process. There's a collective engineering operation across the galaxy working on it. The ships will be completed, and they will be under my control imminently."

"Then we'll meditate together. We'll focus our collective efforts on finding him through the Force, and we'll figure out what's going on," I reasoned.

"No," he said, taking my shoulders with urgency. "I cannot drag you into this. The voice--the shadow--it knows my feelings for you, and it knows how to manipulate my feelings to distract me from the Force. When you are around, its power is seemingly amplified, and I can't pursue it through the Force."

"Then, what? What are you saying?" I asked, pulling back.

"I--I hate to say it," he said, "but I think I need you to leave me. At least for a while. It--it might be safest."

I felt for a moment like he was abandoning me, but the look on his face countered that thought immediately. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it earlier. He was pale and gaunt, and his eyes seemed sunken into his skull. This shadow had been eating at him, and I hadn't even noticed.

"Okay," I said. "Then I'll go back to Tatooine to train and meditate. I'll be ready for when you need me. I'll let you do this alone for now, but I have one condition."

"What?"

"Rethink the star destroyers. Do not push them further. Do everything you can to stop what you've started. Realize that if we are to be together, you must rethink how you approach this whole thing. How you choose to rule the First Order. We can fight for a better future, but we shouldn't be guiltless murderers."

He nodded, though his commitment seemed weak. I chose to trust him as much as I could, but I realized I'd have to take action myself. I'd have to alert my friends in the Resistance on Tatooine. I'd have to go behind Kylo's back, but my conscious was screaming, and if I did nothing, I knew I'd regret it.

"Before you leave," Kylo said, interrupting my plans, "I have something for you."

"Oh?"

He reached into a pocket and pulled out a small silver band with a gleaming shard of a blue kyber crystal sitting on it. I felt an immediate call to it, as if it had been forged by the universe a billion years prior just so I could take it at this moment.

"It speaks to you because it's yours," Kylo said, studying my face.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

He took my left hand and slipped the ring over my finger. It fit snuggly. "This is a shard from the kyber crystal of Obi-Wan Kenobi."

I gasped. "Wha--how! What?"

"Snoke had a fascination with lightsabers. He had a collection of crystals. I don't know how he came across this one, but now it's back to its proper owner. It should help you amplify your powers. Kyber crystals have curious powers like that. Sometimes they can act as conduits to the past. For all the bad that may cause, there are certainly some advantages."

"It's beautiful," I said, marvelling at the crystal's smooth sides and reflective crystals. They were piercing blue, and I was reminded of my grandfather's eyes, brilliant and passionate and powerful.

"This ring," Kylo began, "it might have belonged to that old man, but now it's yours, and I want it to--to signify my devotion to you. It is my promise to honor you and fight for you and to protect you. It is my pledge to you as your husband."

The word ran through my body, quickening my heart. For a moment I had forgotten his proposal at the gala, or maybe I had thought it had been a dream. But now it was real, and on my finger was my future. It was the promise of a life where I was loved and where I could love. Where we could both protect one another and live for one another. It was purpose contained within a small blue gem. I cherished it, and I yanked him to me and kissed him hard, never wanting to let go, but knowing soon we'd be apart again.

#

Rey, Finn, and Makhi were waiting for me in the desert of Tatooine. When I arrived, I didn't know if they'd be able to help or even what it was I would do, but I felt I would need them in whatever was to come. To my surprise, they knew much of what Kylo had already told me, and they quickly informed me of the Resistance's plans to intervene.

"We've sent small teams to infiltrate the hundreds of bases we've learned of," Rey explained, "but we haven't coordinated our assault on the main base of operations yet. All of this has happened rather quickly, and we're running low on resources. I was going to take the main base myself. If we can shut it down and capture the lead engineer for the project, we should be prepared enough to either shut this thing down before it begins or we'll at least know exactly what we're dealing with when their fleet comes online."

"That's--good," I said, surprised that they knew more than me. "What can I do to help?"

"We have this, Orra," Makhi said quickly, jumping between me and Rey. "You should stay here. Kylo--he can't know you're part of this."

I looked at him curiously. "That's foolish. I can help better than anyone. And Kylo--I can deal with whatever he retaliates with, though I doubt it'll be a problem."

"Clearly," said Finn, nodding at my new ring.

"No, Orra is right. She would be a great help here," Rey interjected.

"I just think you should sit this one out," Makhi said, desperation in his eyes.

"What is going on with you?" I asked. "You're hiding something."

"I just--it's not a good idea."

"I could actually use her help," said Rey. "Two lightsabers can help us capture the engineer much easier than just one."

"What are you hiding?" I barked, demanding an answer from Makhi.

He buried his head in his hands and shook. "You just--you came at the worst time. I didn't want you to know."

"Know what?"

He turned away from me and shook his head. "The engineer. It's Drakri."

"Drakri!" I shouted.

"Drakri?" Rey said.

"Oh, shit," said Finn.

"Drakri." I repeated the name, running over it in my head, chewing on it between my lips. Kylo had told me he was alive, but how could it be that in a galaxy so big, I would find him once more. I couldn't process what the name stirred in me. I grabbed my ring and spun it around my finger. Its warming presence didn't seem to comfort me. Suddenly all the memories of Drakri ran through my mind. I remembered his wide smile and kind eyes. I remembered the moment I thought he was being led to die. I remembered what I had done to him. How I had lied. How I had cheated. How I had thrown him away to float alone through space without me. He had used his last moments with me to comfort me. He had been kind in the face of my betrayal. He had never lost hope for me.

And now, as it was, fate had placed him before me once more. But that person I had been when he said he loved me--that girl was gone. He would not recognize me. He would not love me anymore. This face I now wore would just be a new mask atop the face of the girl he had loved. I didn't fear seeing him. I didn't worry how I'd react. But I worried how he would. I worried the sight of me would crush him. I worried he would realize I had betrayed our relationship and continued to betray my memory of him. I worried that realization would destroy his heart.

"He is the lead engineer?" I asked them. "You're sure of it?"

Rey nodded.

"Just stay out of it. It's not worth it," Makhi said again.

I shook my head. To not face him now would be to cower and hide from my mistakes. It would be to avoid my responsibility. I was no longer the coward behind the mask that I had been when he loved me. If I was truly powerful and truly a complete being, I would have to own up to the person I had wronged the most. I would have to face him. I knew I had no choice, so despite Makhi's continued protests, I looked Rey in the eye and summoned the Force around me. She felt my conflict and my attempts at resolve, and she responded by summoning the Force as well. Its collective energy swelled around us, returning feeling and weight to my legs. I was in charge of my own destiny, and not even the pain of the past would sway me from being in control of my life. She felt my resolve grow and nodded. It was an unspoken bond we had, though we'd only met twice now. Our connection to the Force, though, was stronger than time. She would have my back, and I would have hers.

Feeling resolved, I held out my hand, and she took it firmly. "When do we leave?"


	24. Reunion

Drakri was stationed on Pressy’s Tumble, a mining base in the Outer Rim. From Tatooine, the journey wasn’t too long, but for me it felt like an eternity. I tried to count the rushing beams of stars as we sliced through hyperspace. A futile task, but one that helped me avoid what was about to happen. I had accepted that Drakri was still alive. I had accepted that someone out there in the galaxy probably despised me, and for good reason. I had accepted what I had done. But I never thought I would have to confront him again. I thought we would drift apart, separated from gravity’s pull and floating away as the universe expanded, forever tearing galaxies apart. But gravity had found us again, and now we were pulled together to what I imagined would be a catastrophic end. So I tried to count the formless stars. Tried to freeze time in a void of space where time passed quicker than time actually passes. Tried to summon the Force to stop all of this. To stop time, memory, action, thought, feeling. But nothing worked. The harder I pushed against my destiny, the harder it pushed back, and before I knew it, Makhi had exited hyperspace, and the artificial asteroid colony loomed before us.

“Can you get us through?” he asked.

I nodded, though I wasn’t sure I actually could. I wasn’t quite sure if Kylo had just been humoring me with all his Empress talk, but now I’d put it to the test. I radioed in to the station’s command post, and using my best Kylo Ren voice, I barked annoyed orders at the officer on the other side.

“It’s just, your arrival is unexpected,” he mumbled after I demanded landing.

“I’m here to check progress on your work, fool! Why would I announce my arrival beforehand just to have you ingrates change up what you’re doing unsupervised? Fool. This is why some lead and others follow. Now clear the landing bay this instant.”

“Uh, yes, Empress,” he said, terrified and ashamed.

“Wow,” Makhi said.

“Didn’t think I had it in me?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. I didn’t doubt you have any trouble being a bitch. I’m just impressed he believed it.”

I rolled my eyes as we circled the landing pad then landed softly.

“Just get me to the generator and we’ll be out of here,” Makhi reminded me. “There’s no reason to do anything else but that. I--I doubt we’ll even run into him, honestly. He might not even be here.”

“He’s the project lead at this site. This is inevitable.”

“Nothing is inevitable, C.”

I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, though I felt like it was for my own benefit, not his. “The Force is calling to me. He is here. I can feel him.”

“Well,” Makhi said with an obnoxiously dramatic sigh, “as long as you don’t kill him or fuck him, we should be fine. We’ll just get in and get out. Can you handle that?”

I didn’t answer. The ramp opened and we descended. We were greeted by a small squadron of troopers and a host of officers. I raised my hood and kept my face down. Makhi put on his stormtrooper helmet. It was the first time he’d donned his armor since he’d left the First Order, but he still wore it tall and alert like all troopers. He hadn’t missed a beat.

It didn’t take long for Drakri to arrive. He had heard the Empress was arriving, and he’d clearly rushed to the landing platform as fast as he could. I saw him push his way through a line of officers and rush before us, bowing and offering praise for our arrival and offering apologies for the work not being up to whatever level he thought I demanded. I kept my face down and hood tight over my head. Clearly, he had no idea who I was. I figured I existed to the First Order in name only, but this worked to my advantage. Summoning the Force, I veiled my voice and spoke to him with as much bravado as I could summon.

“Supreme Leader Ren is not happy with your progress here, engineer. I am here for a comprehensive review. I would advise you to provide me full transparency, or you’ll see I’m just as unforgiving as Ren.”

“Of course, Empress,” he said, repeatedly bowing. Let me take you to my quarters. I have a full report on the station there. I was preparing it for the Supreme Leader in preparation for our scheduled update, but he didn’t say you were coming, so it’s not--”

“The Supreme Leader does not order me around. I go where I please. Now, lead the way.”

“Oh, of course, Empress. I didn’t presume to--um, yes, let’s go. This way.”

“Trooper,” I said, turning to Makhi, “Run your security check and report to me when completed.”

“Yes, Empress,” he said, turning and running off to the main facility.

“Ah, Empress,” Drakri interjected, “our security is top notch, I assure you. I have personally checked--”

“I don’t much care for your assurances, engineer. I will not be caught surprised by a Resistance attack because I trusted your assessment. My trooper will do the check and report directly to me. I do not take unnecessary chances, and I don’t blindly trust.”

He nodded and led me to his chambers. “Of course, Empress.”

I felt guilty berating him, but before the other officers and troopers, it was necessary. Nevertheless, I felt Drakri’s fear before me as he tripped over himself leading me to his quarters. I remembered how confident and sure of himself he was before, even in the face of Kylo Ren. Now he seemed clumsy and he stuttered. His mind raced faster than his feet, and I sensed an extraordinary amount of indecision in him. My own guilt roared, and I quickened our pace if only to end the deception quicker.

When we reached his quarters, he paused at the door and turned to me. “I’m sorry, Empress, if it’s too forward of me to ask, but I--I feel like I have met you before. I feel like I know you. Do you--oh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I--”

“Open the door, engineer,” I barked, tears in my eyes. When he looked at me, those old feelings of comfort rushed back to me. Here was a man who was good in all ways. He was warm and consistent and inviting and safe. He had loved me when I didn’t love myself, and he had saved me from an empty existence behind a mask. I dared to look up just a little bit -- just to see his eyes. They were no longer the gleaming blue sapphires I remembered. No longer did they shine like nebulae. They had dimmed. He had aged. The life that once erupted from his body had been replaced by a cold existence to match the sterile walls and dark, empty space he now lived in. He had been crushed by time and space. It took everything in me not to burst out in tears, but I summoned the Force to compose myself and directed him to open the door. He obliged, and in we went to his lifeless quarters, all put together and devoid of personality. It was such a far stretch from what I remembered from before. He had been a collector of exotic, forgotten artifacts of distant cultures and planets. Any chance he got on a planet, he would steal a handful of soil or the leaf from a strange tree or a rag of discarded clothing, and he’d keep the mementos in a proud display in his quarters. It was a small bit of humanity and personality not often seen in the First Order’s bleached sterility. I remembered spending long nights in his arms as he described all his artifacts. I never could remember any of them. I never could feel an attachment to them. But they were a part of him, so in a way, I loved them as he did.

Now, all of those things were gone. His room was just like any other officer’s: flat, empty, lifeless. He floated through space in an emotionless cage, forever existing behind a stiff mask that made him lifeless as a droid.

Drakri was dead. I had killed him.

“So, if you allow me a moment to fetch my report, I-uh-I promise it is around here somewhere.” He stumbled around as if the room was a mess and his holopad could be anywhere, though everything was in order and I saw the holopad on a workbench just in front of him. I couldn’t take it anymore. The guilt threatened to consume me. So I pulled back my hood and let go of the void I had created through the Force. I spoke softly, then, hoping I wasn’t too late to bring him back from his emptiness.”

“Drakri.” The name was as smooth and comforting off my tongue as it had always been.

“Yes, yes. I am so sorry!” He was frantically opening and closing drawers, tossing blankets off his bed, rummaging through boxes on the floor.

I took a few steps closer to him and held out a hand. “Drakri. Look at me.”

“Ah, ah, yes, so sorry, Empress. I--” he turned and looked at me. I had tears running down my face. There was some familiarity in his gaze, but there lived an uncertainty I imagined was a now permanent feature. He looked curiously at my outstretched hand, probably unsure if I meant for him to take it or if it would suddenly summon the Force around his neck.

“Drakri,” I said again, now choking as the tears grew stronger. “It’s me. C.”

“C?”

“I’m so sorry,” I started. “I’m so sorry I did this to you. I--I thought he’d killed you. I was certain--I--and now you’re here, and you seem so--not you. I’m so sorry, Drakri. I’m so sorry.”

“C?” He was dumbfounded. I thought he might have a panic attack or pass out or pull out a blaster and shoot me.

I took another step forward, cautiously. He retreated slightly.

“Drakri, talk to me,” I begged. “Don’t you remember me?”

“C?” He mouthed the word, wrapping himself in the letter, not sure if it elicited a warm feeling of comfort or a cold feeling of pain. I watched him--felt him--grapple with the letter--with my name. It was as if I had awoken him from a dream to remind him of a life he had gone to sleep hoping to forget. In the darkness of my heart, I felt a sort of satisfaction that I could hold such power over another person. But this feeling distressed me, and the more powerful feeling of shame took hold of me. I fell to my knees, my hand still outstretched, suddenly aware that it was I who was broken, not him. I had come so far, yet here before me was a reminder of how far I still had to go. What kind of a person was I, I wondered. What kind of person could do such damage to another person--a person who loved them? I thought of all the times Kylo had hurt me. Nothing compared to what I had done to the man standing before me. I was ashamed.

“I’m so sorry,” I said again, now barely forming words as the tears overtook me. I felt a heaving in my chest and tried to breathe. It was like the ship had been punctured, and all of space was sucking out the air. Even the Force couldn’t keep me breathing.

But then in that moment of my darkness, Drakri returned to me. With grace, he knelt down and took my outstretched hand. His skin was cold and rough, but his touch was as warm and calming as I remembered. I looked up at him through my tears and saw a glimpse of that old glimmer in his eyes. He offered me a sad sort of smile--a half smirk--and brought his other hand atop ours, cupping my fingers in a gentle embrace.

“Look how far you’ve come,” he said softly, making me cry even more. “You really did it, didn’t you?”

I shook my head. “Wha--what do you mean?”

He smiled fully now. I thought the corners of his eyes were misty, but he didn’t cry. “You escaped your mask. You’re you now. Really you.”

“I don’t--” I wanted to speak more, but the words wouldn’t come. He brought a rugged hand to my cheeks and wiped away my tears. His skin was like sandpaper--not the hands of a studious engineer, but the hands of a worker. They brought me back to a different time and place, and for a moment, I wished to leave with him off to another galaxy, far away from Kylo and the First Order and the Force. There was comfort here. There was familiarity.

“I’m so very proud of you,” he said. “I’m so happy for you. You have a confidence I always knew was there. But now look at you. You could take all the stars in a single hand and remake them however you wish. It’s a long way from suffocating behind a stormtrooper mask.”

I brought my own hand up to his face. He was weathered. It was like he had aged ten years since we’d seen each other.

He winced a little at my touch, then embraced it. I could sense the pain I was causing him, but here he was speaking to his pride in me. I didn’t sense any anger or grudge. Just grief and pride.

“I abandoned you,” I said. “I betrayed you. I--I left you to die.”

“Yet here I am,” he responded.

“But I--what I did--it’s unforgivable.”

He shook his head and wiped another stream of tears from my cheeks. “I loved you, C. You know what that means?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know, truly.

He smiled and closed his eyes. “It means trusting your judgement. It means supporting you. It means putting you before me. You didn’t love me, so I had to love you enough to accept you chasing after who you did love. I had to be okay letting you go. It also means holding no grudge and no thought of possession. I--it’s been hard. But I’m happy you are so--supreme.”

I laughed between heaves. “I thought you were dead.”

He shrugged. “What is life in the First Order other than living death? I do my work, I keep my head down, I hope no Supreme Leader or Empress will come slice me open. But this is the life I am destined for, so I live it. I am just happy you escaped it.”

“Why stay, then?” I asked. “Why not leave?”

“Not all of us are as talented as you,” he said, nodding at my lightsabers. “Where would I go where they wouldn’t find me?”

“Then come with me!”

“To Ren? Right in the thick of it? Oh, that’s not a good idea. Our interactions are not--warm, to say the least. I don’t think he likes me much. Can’t imagine why. But he hasn’t killed me, so I give him credit. At least he values you enough not to do that.”

“No!” I cried. “I am--look, it’s complicated, but I have contacts in the Resistance. Come with me. I can bring you to them. They can help you find--whatever it is you want.”

“No, no, they’ll always come for me. And if I leave, Ren--he’ll know you--”

“Trust me,” I said, “I can take care of myself. He does not scare me. He won’t do anything if I tell him--look, that doesn’t matter. What matters now is you leave with me. That trooper I’m with, it’s FM. We can take you out of here, and FM and the others can smuggle you away so they won’t find you. You--it’s the least I could do.”

He hesitated, but I felt his desire.

“What do you have to lose?” I asked.

“Will you be there with me, then? Or--or are you going to stay with Ren? What is--no, I’m sorry. It’s not my business.”

“No, it’s okay. You have every right too--look, it’s complicated. I--I won’t be with you very long if you leave, but that’s probably for the best. I just--my life is--I’m not who I was. But this isn’t about me or us. This is about you. If you leave with me now, you’ll be able to live the life you want. You’ll get the same freedom I got. Please.”

I stood up and offered him my hand. He hesitated again, but I could feel it. He wanted this. He wanted to escape. He wanted to start over. Selfishly, I thought this chance I was giving him could be the thing to ease my guilt.

“I owe you,” I even said, to which he chuckled.

“You don’t owe me,” he answered. “But I think I might take you up on your offer. It sounds--nice.”

He took my hand and smiled. It was a small moment between us, but I felt it would be the last. He would come with us and venture off to his own new life, but I took solace in the fact that he was alive and would be happy. He had accepted what had happened between us, and now I would be able to live without the guilt and despair I felt over him.

“Sometimes, I guess things just work out,” he said. “You know, you never know why things happen until the universe shows you. I’m happy. I’m content.”

I nodded, the moment passed, and it was time to leave. “Look, FM and I came here to dismantle the generator and destroy the base. I’m sure by now he’s planted the charges and is just waiting on us. We should leave.”

Drakri nodded. “Lead the way.”

We had no trouble making our way through the base and back toward the landing platform. I had visions of boarding the ship with Drakri and Makhi, zooming off into space as the mining station behind us erupted into a thousand colors of explosions, and then landing on Tatooine and seeing Drakri off to his new life full of promise and hope.

But as we entered the landing bay, horror took hold of me. Makhi, his helmet removed, was tied up in the middle of the platform and surrounded by stormtroopers, all with their blasters at the ready. A handful of officers stood behind them, all closely huddled and whispering about what to do. Drakri saw it as I did and rushed to them without reservation. I, knowing my role and who I was supposed to be, approached calmly, thankful none of them could sense the Force, for if they could, they would have felt my terror.

“What is the meaning of this, Commander?” Drakri asked a particularly snide-looking old man .

The commander turned to Drakri with a scowl. “Ah, Nevsta. This is purely a military matter. No need for a scientist to get involved.”

“Then tell me,” I demanded, approaching with as much cool command as I could muster. “What is going on here.”

The commander looked at me with the same snide disdain he looked at Drakri with. “With all due respect, Empress, this is a military matter, so--”

“And I command the military with the Supreme Leader, so tell me what is happening.”

He raised his chin in an expression of pride and discomfort. “My apologies. But--this is sensitive. It seems the trooper you have arrived with is a deserter. He has been wanted by the First Order for some time now, and I am curious as to why he has come here and how he has infiltrated your guard.”

I stared the old commander down and summoned as much of Kylo as I could. “If such a thing is true, why wouldn’t you inform me before doing whatever it is you plan on doing here. Don’t you think I would have liked to know so I could handle it?”

“Frankly,” he said, now with his own sense of command, “I must wonder about the judgement of someone who could allow something like this to happen. I don’t think the Supreme Leader would let something like this happen, much less Supreme Leader Snoke.”

I felt the furry rise in my chest, but I could sense Makhi’s fear, so I tried to remain calm. “What are you trying to say?” I asked.

“I am saying it is foolish for a boy’s plaything to be given such leeway and power over what has been the greatest force the galaxy has ever seen. I think you should go back to where you belong, Empress.”

“And where is that?”

“On your knees, mouth open, taking orders from the Supreme Leader like the dog you are.”

I didn’t have to think about it for even a moment. As the last word of his insult left his mouth, both of my lightsabers were buried through his chest. I let them linger there for a moment as the look of panic flashed across his face then quickly turned to pain. I didn’t relent, though. Instead, I tugged my blades up his chest and exited them through his shoulders. His blood caked my face and the armor of those around us. Drakri screamed. Makhi hollered. And all around us, the shocked troopers looked around at one another, not sure what to do. The commanders, in horror, were stunned too. But quickly they resolved against me, rallied for the leader they knew, and raised their blasters to me.

“Kill the imposter!” one of them ordered. I was quick to summon the Force against him, throwing him across the platform as I raised my sabers, ready for combat.

“Blow the fucking thing!” I barked at Makhi as the blasters began firing. I didn’t have time to say more. My blades were a blur before me as I deflected their blasts and advanced toward them, trying to clear a path for Makhi and Drakri to get to the ship.

“Let’s go!” I heard Makhi yell as he stood and moved to the ship. In a moment, the entire station shook, and alarm bells began blaring. A host of troopers entered the bay from all entrances, all of them pointing their blasters and firing. “C, come on! It’s a chain reaction. It’s all gonna blow quick. We have to move!”

I took a breath and let the Force rise through me, then releasing the breath, I expanded its energy out from my body in all directions, sending a shock wave at everyone around me. The troopers close enough to pose a threat went flying through the air, and the immediate blaster fire subsided.

Then I turned to Drakri with the intent of leading him to the ship, but he was on the ground too. I ran over to him to help him up, but the Force screamed to me.

He wasn’t moving.

I got closer. He was moving. No, he was shaking.

Closer.

He was laying in a pool of blood.

He’d been shot.

Closer.

His bright blue eyes were wide and fading.

“Drakri!” I cried out to him. He looked at me. The blaster fire from the approaching troops grew stronger.

“C! We have to go!” Makhi was screaming. I heard the ship power on. Explosions in the distance. The station shook violently now.

“I’m sorry!” I cried, reaching Drakri’s side and falling atop him. His blood covered me, tattooing my face.

He reached out weakly, trying to touch me one more time.

He couldn’t manage.

His body went limp. His warmth escaped him.

“C!” Makhi might as well have been a system away.

Drakri’s eyes closed. It had only been a moment since I’d seen them, but suddenly I couldn’t remember what color his eyes were. Blue? Brown? Had he even had eyes at all?

I didn’t know. I couldn’t remember.

I looked up and saw the ghost of my grandfather. I saw Kylo, standing there regal in his gala suit, holding his hand out asking to marry me. I saw Drakri laying in my bed, trying desperately to make me love him the way he loved me. I saw the galaxy sprawled out before me, all the nebulae confused and broken and erupting from nothing in spectacular pumes of red, pink, purple, and green.

A laser bolt from a blaster struck my shoulder, and I fell backwards, losing my grip on Drakri’s body. I looked up and saw a line of troopers close the distance. Makhi had powered on the ship, and now he hovered above me, firing blasts at the incoming troopers. He left the ramp open for me. All I had to do was jump on, and we’d be off for good.

I looked at Drakri’s lifeless body. This would be how I remembered him, I thought. He had said so many things, but in the end, the fate I’d feared for him rang true. I had killed him, if not before then now.

But what else could I do? I couldn’t stop time, nor could I go back. I looked before me and thought for a moment about letting those laser bolts tear me open. But every voice in my head--Kylo, Ben, Makhi, the Force--they all told me to keep moving, so that’s what I did. I leapt up to the ship, and Makhi took off. I didn’t get a chance to look back at Drakri before we were out of the station. When I did look back, the ramp had already been closed, and all I could see through the viewing screen was a lifeless mining station erupt in an explosion until it was nothing but debris. All those in the explosion would never be found, and they would become one with the universe--lifeless specks of atoms drifting through cold space. No memory. No past. No future. Nothing.

Makhi put us in hyperspace, and we ventured off without a thought, never to return again.


	25. Grief Unbound

It wasn’t long before I was back in Kylo’s shadow, laying naked under his bed as if nothing had happened--as if I hadn’t committed insurrection against the First Order I now co-led; as if Drakri hadn’t died right before me; as if I hadn’t tried to save him and thought, if only for a moment, that maybe I could run off across the galaxy with him. Leave Kylo behind and set off to distant worlds with another man. Shed the Force and all its baggage from me, and live underground, far away from Kylo’s everpresent eye. A new life, yet one I had almost accepted what seemed like years before when Drakri and I snuck around star destroyers living a lie.

But I didn’t go with Drakri. And even before he died, I had already rejected the thought of leaving with him. I would return to Kylo. I would return to whatever it was I was trying to do. Redeem him? Save him? Rule the galaxy with him? I didn’t know what I wanted or where I was going. Every moment was like a revolving door, and on both sides of the door, new futures and possibilities continually sprang up and disappeared far away into the unknown.

But what didn’t change was where I kept ending up. In Kylo’s arms. Naked. Exhausted. I had returned and said nothing. I had marched into the middle of a meeting between Kylo and his commanding officers, I had ordered the meeting adjourned with a crash of my lightsabers through a conference table, and I had dragged a bewildered Kylo back to his quarters where we proceeded to use one another’s bodies for two days straight.

I made him fulfill all of my fantasies, and I fulfilled all of his. The specifics of what we were doing, even as we did it, were a blur, though, but I am sure my screams echoed throughout the entire ship and most likely drifted far out into space only to wither away into nothing amongst its vacuum. But I made sure to throw all of my feelings into his body. I don’t know how he kept up, but he did. I sucked his dick until he finished, then I sucked him more. I buried him deep into me, slamming my hips hard against him for hours, almost like I was trying to crush his pelvis. I kept myself on top continually, trying desperately to control something in the galaxy, swirling my hips and slamming my hands into his chest. He spent most of the time looking up at me, straining his eyes to remain open and to watch the sneer of determination splashed across my face.

He fucked me in the shower. On the bed. On the floor. Against the window (though he didn’t let this last long because he could sense my energy building strong enough each time he slammed into me, and he started to worry I’d break open the glass, killing us both). He fucked me from below, above, behind, upside down, sideways, every which way. He fucked my mouth, my pussy, my ass. Everything. And I made him finish on every inch of me until he had nothing left to give. I didn’t care. I wanted to own him.

It wasn’t enough. I started taunting him when he couldn’t go anymore. Told him I’d find Hux and get him to fuck me with whatever twig of a dick he had right in front of him. Told him I’d recruit a legion of stormtroopers to please their Empress. I told him anything I could to make him angry, but the wilder my requests and claims and demands got, the sadder he seemed to become. It was as if he knew what I was doing; like he knew I was on the edge and losing my sanity, but he couldn’t do anything but acquiesce to my insanity.

“I will do whatever you want, Orra,” he told me after my most absurd threat that I’d fly to Coruscant’s shaddier districts to find myself a fleet of modified pleasure droids if he couldn’t keep up with my desires. He said it with a look of resignation and defeat I’d never seen him wear. But it wasn’t just me. It seemed my antics were just another awful thing happening to him. What else he was going through, I didn’t care to ask. All I wanted was to forget everything I remembered.

“I’m serious!” I barked, sitting atop him naked and willing him to stay hard inside me. I was shoving myself onto him, hitting his chest with my fists, manufacturing grunts and heaves loud as I could. “At least their dicks won’t go soft on me!”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry.” It was all he could muster. I had drained him. Defeated him. He might as well have given up on me, lost in whatever thing he was lost in and disappointed in this new side of me he was seeing.

I gave him one last slap, one last shove of my hips, then I screamed at him. “Whatever!” I pushed myself off him, gathered my clothes, dressed, and left him sitting there naked and done. “What the fuck is the point, even?” I shouted as the door behind me closed and I wandered alone into the rest of the ship, every eye on me with a terrified look.

The entire ship was on edge. A number of bases had just been destroyed. Development of the new weapon systems had been halted. And where was the Supreme Leader and new Empress? Howling in their pleasure dome atop the ship for all the First Order to hear. Every soldier I passed held simultaneous thoughts of fear and disdain. They thought me a child. A psychopath. A distraction. A failure. A whore.

I didn’t care. I welcomed their disdain and reveled in the fear they had of me. I thought more than a few times about digging my lightsabers into a random trooper as I passed through the black halls, but even in my most desperate anger and despair, I didn’t wish to see another dead body. Every time I thought of killing one of them, Drakri’s fluttering eyes and grave of blood slammed into my mind, giving me a headache and threatening to buckle my knees.

None of them matter, I kept telling myself as I looked at the troopers I passed. None of this matters. I need to be alone. I need to be alone.

It took me some time to find my quarters. Between the anger, grief, distraction, and the weariness I was beginning to feel in my body after all the sex, I couldn’t focus on where anything was or where I was going. But I eventually found my quarters, and immediately upon entering, I collapsed onto my cold bed and fell into a long sleep full of dreams I refused to allow entrance into my mind. The fight against my subconscious made the sleep a light one, but one vision beat out my best efforts and entered my mind, vivid and colorful like it was happening in reality, not in my head.

I found myself suspended in the air between two trees. I was floating, though I couldn’t feel myself tapping into the Force. Something was keeping me there in the air. When I looked down, though, there was no ground. All of space was open before me, and if I were to fall, I would be lost in the void of distant stars and empty blackness. Above me, the sky was purple and orange. It was dusk. Somewhere I couldn’t see, a star was setting into the sea of space below, and all the world was beginning to feel heavy and distant like it does in those moments just before the color is taken from the universe.

In my hand, I held the ring Kylo had presented me just days before. The kyber crystal attached to the band was my mother’s. It had once belonged to my grandfather. It pulsed a bright white and warmed me. I focused on its warmth. Every pulse brought me further from the frigid emptiness of space below. Every pulse spoke my name louder and louder until it echoed in my mind and shook my entire body.

I blinked, and suddenly I was in Kylo’s room. The ring was still in my hand. I reached out to him to show him. I tried to slip it over my finger, but something was keeping it away. Something was pulling on it, pushing it away from me. I feared I’d drop it, and if I dropped it, it would float out into empty space and be evaporated in a raging star or stretched and nullified in a black hole. Every muscle in my body strained as I held onto the band, and with every pull I gave it, I heard my grandfather’s voice surround me.

“Give it up, Orra. Give it up.”

“No! Grandfather, no! Why would you say that?” I screamed.

“Give it up,” his voice repeated.

I looked down. Kylo knelt before me, his back to me. He was in his full armor, and his cape draped over his hunched body like a blanket.

“Ben!” I cried, trying to get him to turn around.

He was wearing his helmet. It shined on the dome. I don’t think he heard me.

“Ben!”

“Give it up.” The voice was no longer Obi-Wan’s. It had morphed into something more sinister. It had more of a hiss and sneer. It sounded like the voice of a ghost.

“I won’t!” I called back.

“You’ll fail him,” the voice taunted. “Just like he did.”

“Leave me alone!” I screamed, tugging harder at the ring, trying to pull it close to my heart.

“It runs in your blood, failure. He failed Anakin. You’ll fail Ben. Failures, the lot of you.”

“Shut up!” I cried.

“He is right.” Ben’s mechanical, modified voice from behind the mask. Kylo Ren.

“Don’t listen! I love you!” I screamed.

“You betrayed me. Just like Obi-Wan.”

“You were the chosen one!” I heard my grandfather’s screams. They echoed all around us, but he was nowhere to be found.

“All you people can do is turn men into monsters.”

“Who are you?”

“Leave, Orra.”

“Run!”

“Get out of my head!”

“Orra.”

“Orra.”

“Ben!”

The pull on the ring suddenly stopped, and I yanked it toward me, falling backward with the effort. When I looked up, though, Kylo Ren towered above my fallen body, lightsaber at the ready. I thought I was going to die, but the voices rose and laughter suddenly cackled over the entire room.

“No!” I yelled, reaching out too late.

A bolt of blue lightning struck Ben in the back. He turned to face it, startled, but then it shot through his heart, severing him and leaving him crumpled on the floor to die.

I reached for him, hoping to touch his face one last time. But he had no face to touch. He was just a mask. A dark, empty helmet with nothing inside. I caressed its smooth frame. I cradled it and cried. The kyber crystal from my ring stopped pulsing. The voices faded away. When I turned the helmet around, it was no longer a helmet. It was Drakri’s face, pale and bloody and quickly dissolving into dust. I wasn’t holding anything then. Just air. Not even air. Nothing. I was floating in space alone. No air to breathe. I felt myself suffocate. I was dying. I died.

And then I awoke, no more awake than I had been before I fell asleep. I was alone in my room in the darkness. I tried to reach out to the Force, but it felt like it had abandoned me.

“What am I doing?” I asked the darkness. It didn’t respond.

Our responses to death and loss vary, but in times of grief, we must face our nightmares. Mine were all around me, reminders when I was awake, stalkers when I slept. I turned over and closed my eyes but tried not to sleep. I just wanted to hear the lifeless hum of the ship as it meandered through space. I wanted to hear the distant rumblings of activity outside my door as the rest of the galaxy continued on, unaware of my pain. I wanted to hear the thick beats of my heart as I breathed.

Drakri was dead. He was dead because of me. I had led him to his fate. He was never coming back.

And yet, even knowing all that, even knowing I would always have a place for him in my heart, I knew I still didn’t love him. Whether I felt guilt or apathy about that fact, I don’t know. All I know is he was dead, I was alive, and I had two choices. I could let the death of a man I didn’t love destroy me, or I could forget it and return to the man I did love--the man I didn’t deserve who didn’t deserve me.

I had become immune to the coldness of space. There was nothing I could do. I had to keep living.


	26. Until We Meet Again/ If It Isn't Forever

“Will you leave me again?”

It had been three weeks since I’d seen Kylo. He had reached out through the Force a few times, but they were weak attempts, and I had no energy to reach out to him. Even the minimal physical distance between his quarters and mine seemed a galaxy away. Nevertheless, I needed time to grieve, and he had been preoccupied with his own mind, so neither of us felt any pressing desire to be near the other.

Then one day, he was at my door with a long frown and slumped shoulders. “Will you leave me again?” was all he said, to which I turned away from him and hid my face in the darkness. There was a delicate balance in his voice, as if his hopes hung loosely on the edge of a great drop, and with one word I could push him over the edge. I imagined him falling into an endless void surrounded by darkness, no emotion on his face. He was the kind of man who would die with a resigned smirk, as if it was just another thing he’d have to deal with. There was no fear in him, though fear seemed to control his entire life.

“No,” I finally answered, though unsure if I could follow through with the commitment. I didn’t want to leave him, but I didn’t want to stay. I didn’t know where I could go in the galaxy. My confidence, so newly and hardly acquired, had abandoned me, and now I felt empty and confused again. It was a feeling I had sworn I would never wear again, but there I was in the same place I had always been. Drifting alone on a cold ship through space.

“I just--I don’t want you to leave,” he said coldly. It was as if emotions pained him now, and the most he could muster were sad bits of acceptance. “You can grieve with me.”

It was the closest he had gotten to acknowledging what had happened. Clearly, he had deduced the source of my melancholy. Though whether he knew I had consorted with the Resistance, I couldn’t tell.

“It’s not grief, really,” I admitted. “It’s guilt.”

“Guilt?”

I nodded. “With all this power I’ve found within myself, I still couldn’t save--someone. What good is power if you fail people and end up hurting them? What good is power if you can’t help those you--care for.”

“Sometimes--the will of the Force--I don’t know. It isn’t our own.”

I sighed. “I don’t care for many people in this universe, but those I do care for, they deserve more from me. I have to be there for them when they need me.”

He shook his head. “You know I--I feel--”

“I know. But this doesn’t have to be a choice. What are we even doing here? What is the point of all of this? What are we accomplishing?”

He raised a fist, summoning a little fight. “We are trying to fix the mistakes all those who came before us made. We are trying to fix this shithole of a galaxy that our forebears left us.”

“We don’t seem to be doing a good job,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“We’ve had some setbacks, sure, but the Force continues to guide me. It speaks to me. It tells me what I must do.”

“What does it tell you?” I asked.

He looked down at his outstretched hand, now balled into a fist, and took in a deep breath. “It tells me to bring my fist down on all of them even harder. It tells me to squeeze their fear.”

I shook my head. “I’ve had enough of fear.”

Before he could respond, the sound of the ship’s alarm blared through the walls. Kylo lingered but a fraction of a moment past their ringing, thinking, perhaps, of ignoring the alarm and pushing our conversation further, but a sudden feeling of urgency rippled through the Force, and he turned to meet it. I wasn’t far behind, making my first appearance on the ship in weeks, though none seemed to notice as the halls were chaotic as troopers ran in every direction and the ship began to shake.

“Admiral!” Kylo barked at a black-suited bald man ahead of us as we pounded through the hall on our way to the command deck. “What is the situation?”

“Resistance attack, Supreme Leader!” the scared looking man yelled back over the alarm. “A small fleet, but completely unexpected. We didn’t have time to--”

“Deploy the fighters immediately. Give me your comlink!” Kylo roared.

“Yes, sir!” The admiral fumbled over his comlink but eventually got it to Kylo. He seized it and began screaming orders into it as we neared the deck. “Blast them all out of space!” he screamed. “I don’t want to see a single speck of their ashes by the time I get up there!”

“Ah, yes, Supreme Leader!” they all stammered from the other end of the line.

“Kylo, wai--” I called out to him, but just as I was about to reach him, we turned a corner and ran straight into his Knights. All of them stood at the ready, weapons drawn, all decked in black and hidden beneath hideous masks.

“Orra, go to the command deck. You must be my eyes here,” Kylo ordered, not even bothering to turn and face me.

“What?” I cried. “Where the hell are you going?”

“This was a targeted attack. A guerilla maneuver. Now we are alerted, and they will be retreating.”

“How do you know that?”

“Don’t you feel the desperation and fear out there? There isn’t a minute to waste. I am going after them.”

I reached out to the Force to feel what Kylo was saying. I felt the fear and desperation, but I felt something else.

“Finn,” I whispered, the name rolling off my tongue without a thought.

“Finn?” Kylo turned to me, enraged. “Finn!”

“I feel Finn,” I said, suddenly feeling his overwhelming presence, closing my eyes and reaching out to him. “How is that possible?”

Kylo didn’t bother to push it further. He was already halfway down the hall with his Knights by the time I opened my eyes. “...no good fucking stormtrooper. Fuck! Fucking waste of a…” The name had dug deep into his heart. I felt him burn through the Force as he exited my sightline, but he quickly vanished from my thoughts as Finn’s energy returned to my mind.

“How do I feel you like this?” I asked the air, but I got no response. It was a curious thing, for I’d never felt the Force from Finn in the past. I wondered if he had tapped into some latent energy since I’d last seen him--if he knew the energy he possessed. Perhaps he had awoken something that nobody knew was there--not me or Kylo or even Rey. It didn’t matter, though, and I quickly realized why. If Finn was part of this mission, Makhi would be with him. And now Kylo was heading out there, looking to kill.

“Oh no,” I mumbled to myself as I turned and ran to the control deck. I had to stop all of this. Someone was going to get hurt, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I was responsible for another Drakri.

When I reached the command deck, it didn’t take long to take in the situation outside. A targeted strike against our weapons system and communications had crippled our ship, and now a squadron of fighters was engaged in a chase with the attacking ships. The retreating ships were zipping through space, looking to clear out of the path of a planet just ahead so they could make the jump to hyperspace, but some of our fighters had cut them off, and everyone was now in a game of cat and mouse, us hunting, them fleeing.

In the control room, the generals and commanders were in a panic, and incomprehensible shouts competed with blaring alarm bells. The chaos was too much for me, so I lit my lightsabers and roared at the top of my lungs, “Report!” I held the word as long as I could, letting the second half of it quell all the voices surround me. Only the alarms remained after I’d finished my scream, and with order restored, I sheathed my blades and strolled casually to the main control board. “Someone tell me what the fuck is happening,” I ordered.

Hux, who I had not seen when I entered, approached me from the shadows. “Oh, Empress, well, our lasers and communications are down. We are currently engaging the scum in a classic--”

“Where is Kylo?” I demanded. “I can see what is happening, clearly. You left us open to attack, left us on the defensive, and now we’re desperate just to keep up. But where is Kylo and the Knights of Ren? Have they taken off yet?”

“With all due respect, Empress,” Hux began, “I have been doing everything on my own to keep this--”

“Hux,” I seethed, holding out a hand to his face and squeezing the air between us. It wasn’t enough to choke him; just enough to make his throat tickle. “Where is Kylo?”

Hux’s face strained and contracted like a flexed muscle. “He just took off. He’s in pursuit,” he said, weezing with the phantom pain of being choked.

I shook my head and turned to the scene before me. “Contact him immediately!” I ordered.

“No comms, Empress,” an engineer below called out.

I slammed my hand on the rail before me, bruising and bloodying my fist. “Of course.”

I watched as Kylo and his men zoomed from the ship in the direction of the fleeing attackers. I reached out to him to try and stop him, knowing he was on the killing path and Makhi was most likely in his sights.

“He can’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me. You know how it was when I thought you killed Drakri. Don’t do this to me again,” I begged, though I knew he wasn’t letting me in. “Why are you blocking me now?” I shouted, to the confusion of the officers surrounding me.

“I hear you.” His voice suddenly came in my head just as I began to break down in tears.

“Ben!” I shouted.

“I don’t intend to kill them,” he said. “I need to track them. One ship is nothing compared to their entire base.”

“Ben!” I was too overjoyed to say anything else. Suddenly, the tragedy I had just experienced with Drakri and the subsequent depression and withdrawal I had experienced came back to me, flooding over my body and weakening my knees. I was devastated by everything that had happened, but for the first time, I felt like there was hope. I felt like that love I had been looking for--the love for me and the love of another--was real again. I thought back to the moment he had proposed just before everything had suddenly been destroyed. I thought back to the look of promise and change in his eyes. He wanted to live for me. He wanted to honor me. He wanted me for me, all masks thrown away forever to drift in space with no more faces to hide. And now here he was, in his own way, doing this thing for me. The First Order. The Resistance. The war. This one simple act showed me he was willing to throw it all away--to sacrifice victory--if it meant making me happy. Kylo Ren would have destroyed every fighter in that squadron if only to satisfy his own pride and to cleanse any embarrassment about the attack. But Ben would show restraint. He would show calm. He would listen to me.

“There’s the end!” Hux’s voice roused me from my stupor. I turned to him confused and looked in horror at the absurd glee spreading across his face. Time seemed to slow. I examined every follicle of red hair and every crease on his dusty forehead. He was a disgusting man. He sickened me. And somehow, in his glee, I disdained him even more.

But he was gleeful because of what he saw. And as I turned to look at what he saw, the blackness of space turned bright red and orange as a silent explosion lit the sky. I turned in horror, knowing before I saw what I would see. Kylo and his men’s ships hadn’t gotten much closer to the fight, but through the explosion rippling through space, I saw the cause of the destruction. Like a vengeful god piercing his way through the fabric of time and reality, a mammoth star destroyer had ripped through hyperspace, arriving just ahead of the fleeing Resistance ships. Without a thought, its full arsenal of green lasers blasted every speck of fleeing Resistance ship, and now their remains lit a fire in the sky.

I felt tears fall down my face as my knees weakened. Kylo’s voice rang through my mind. He was screaming. Yelling. Anger at what he was watching. Fury at those under his command. Grief and guilt and despair at the thought of me.

I didn’t have time to process it. Every single member of the Resistance who had gone on that mission was likely nothing now but spacedust. Finn was surely gone. Makhi. Rey too, most likely. Every connection I had with that world, however small it was, was gone.

But it was Makhi’s name that ran through my bones. Here was another victim of my inability to affect the universe. Another soul dead as a result of my inaction or cowardice or lust.

I thought back to the first time Makhi had left me when he’d first abandoned the First Order. What did we say to each other?

“It’s not goodbye if it isn’t forever.”

“So until we meet again.”

Until we meet again. If it isn’t forever. We would always meet again. It was never going to be forever. My one friend--my own true friend who had stood by me no matter how badly I screwed up. Not a friend born from lust and passion and the swinging pendulum of love. No. A friend steady as the stars. Consistent. Loyal. Caring. Forgiving.

Until we meet again? If it isn’t forever?

I watched the space before me turn into a raging fire until it was no more. The fire died. The last remnants of my friend and all who knew him--all of it was gone, I was sure of it. All that was left was empty space, Kylo’s fluttering fleet aimlessly drifting through space, and the menacing, sprawling monster star destroyer before us all.

I felt myself go heavy and hot cheers erupted around me. The last thing I remember, I was falling to the ground, Kylo was yelling in my mind, and Obi-Wan’s calming liquid voice was echoing somewhere across the galaxy.

Stay alive. Stay alive. Stay alive.


	27. Down and Back Again, to the Moon

I had lost consciousness, and by the time I came to, I was in Kylo’s arms, alone in a dark room somewhere deep on the ship. It wasn’t his or my quarters. He had taken me to what looked like an old supply room. Busted droids and old holopads littered the cold, hard floor. A solitary light glowing through a window from the planet in the distance was the only thing illuminating any forms in the room. Without its light, we would have been laying in complete darkness, unable to even form the outlines of our connected bodies.

As it was, he was sitting against a wall opposite the window to space. He held me on his lap, gently cradling my head in one hand and stroking the hair behind my ear in the other. I came to slowly, entering a spinning universe full of stars and static and pain, but slowly it all faded away, replaced by his dark eyes and high cheeks; his scattered hair, every bang seemingly retreating from the top of his head like melting snow down the long face of a rugged mountain; his broad shoulders and powerful arms protecting me from all that threatened to destroy me; his sad frown, perpetually etched onto his rocky face--a knowing frown; a frown not of anger or rage or annoyance, but a frown built from the foundations of something deeper. Something further away. Pain. Regret. Emptiness.

Suddenly, everything flashed through my mind. The scene on the bridge. Kylo’s projection through the Force. The star destroyer cutting through space, zipping into view as if someone had peeled the fabric apart, ripped it with weathered, calloused fingers, and split the universe in two for the metal monstrosity’s arrival. And then the explosion, silent and brilliant in space.

I remembered Kylo reaching out to me. He was begging for understanding. For my ears. For me not to rush to judgement. Then I remembered Obi-Wan’s voice. That familial warm rush of syllables, flowing from his mouth like rain. He had told me to stay alive, but for what purpose? Did he think me so weak I couldn’t handle yet another loss? Another disappointment? No, I knew I would stay alive through it all. But for what purpose and for what pleasure, I couldn’t understand.

“Take it easy,” Kylo was telling me as my senses returned. I looked around as my heart began pumping, but not knowing where I was and remembering all that had happened quickened my breath. Kylo was quick to tighten his grip around me.

“Let me go,” I said, not quite sure if my words were coherent.

“You need to calm down,” he ordered, reaching out not only with his forceful grip but with the vice of the Force as well, pressing me harder into his lap with a calming yet powerful weight. I let it subdue me. Let it drift me away again until I was somewhere between a light sleep and awake. I tried to let the pressure of the memories be replaced by the pressure of the man above me. He felt my changing demeanor and relented some. “Good,” he said. “You’re okay.”

“I am, sure,” I said. “But Makhi isn’t. You killed him. You fucking killed him.”

“Is that what you think happened?” he asked.

“You told me he would be fine. You--I remember. You reached out to me. You lied.”

He shook his head. “Orra, you’re really the biggest pain in the ass there is, aren’t you.”

“Shut the fuck up. Liar. Murderer.”

He sighed. “I won’t deny who I am. Who I have been. But not now. Not this.”

“Then what?”

“Then what?” he repeated. “First of all, how do you know your friend was on that ship?”

“I--” I stopped myself, not sure what was safe to say. I was sure Kylo caught my indecision. “He had to have been. I just had a feeling.”

“Okay,” said Kylo. “Fine. Now how do you know I was the one that destroyed the ship?”

“I--” This time I had no answer. The star destroyer flooded my memory, and I realized what had happened. “It wasn’t you. But--but you--”

“I didn’t call in the order.”

“If not you, who? You’re the fucking Supreme Leader!”

He looked at me with a deep pain, as if he had some truth he desperately wanted to tell me, but he couldn’t. “I don’t know,” he finally said, lying. I didn’t call it on him, though. I had lied about feeling Finn’s energy, so we were even.

“Well, that’s problematic. But it doesn’t matter. I--I’m done with all of this. The First Order can go to hell. I won’t be a part of this. Makhi didn’t do anything to deserve that.”

“And that leads me to my last point. You’re so convinced he was on that ship. Fine. But how do you know he was on it when it was destroyed?” Kylo asked, now flashing a bemused little sideways grin.

“What, you think he’s going to zip through space like a fucking angel?” I asked. “Nobody could survive that. Not even you or me.”

“True. But what you didn’t hear as you were swooning to the ground in front of Hux’s absolutely appalling face is that that ship was acting as a decoy.”

“What?” I asked, startled and sitting up to face him. He let his hand drift to my stomach where he let his palm lay flat.

“In our pursuit, they deployed some diversionary tactics. They were getting away before the star destroyer arrived. I was going to pursue, but those foolish brutes had orders to shoot on sight, and their show of force made it impossible to pursue the smaller ships those Resistance fighters fled in. By the time I got through to the deck, the getaway was complete, and I had no ability to pursue. They’re probably halfway across the galaxy now, and I’m no closer to ending this pointless war.”

“They got away?” I was dumbfounded, but immediately my thoughts went to Tatooine. I had to go back. I had to be sure Makhi was safe because when I reached out to that desert, I couldn’t sense his energy. I worried Kylo had gotten it all wrong.

“Needless to say, the commanders in that ship have now regretted their actions.”

“Did you kill them?” I asked somewhat absently.

“Yes.”

His answer lit a fire in my legs. I couldn’t understand it. Suddenly, the room was hot and spinning, and his hand laying flat across my stomach, covering my entire midsection with his long fingers, felt like a star burning through my flesh.

“My response excites you?” He was surprised, and so was I. One moment, I was frantic over Makhi’s fate, but hearing Kylo so cooly acknowledge his dominance over those poor souls, hearing him announce their destruction with such command, absolutism, and apathy; so feeling his choking force of wrath and strength, all this excited my heart and body, and before I could think, I was on my feet and looking down on him. He looked up at me with a mix of anticipation and confusion.

I didn’t bother saying a thing. I reached down and threw off my boots one at a time, throwing them across the room. They both hit the walls with a clang, echoing in the empty room. He didn’t take his eyes off of me. Suddenly, he knew my intentions, and though his instinct was to take control, I reached out with the Force to keep him seated. I told him, through our collective energy, that I wanted to be in control for a bit. He didn’t fight me.

I undid my belt and sash, and bending over without taking my eyes off of his, I slipped down my pants and stood free before him. I felt strong standing there half naked in the cold and the dark, all the eyes of the universe looking through the window at my bare ass, dripping and shivering but burning with anticipation. And I could feel him pulsing and shaking below me. He thought I was going to bend down, tear off his belt, and unleash his cock before me. He thought I would pleasure him, sit on him, ride him before all the stars and planets, giving a show to the gods.

I shook my head. “Not yet.”

He looked at me with dopey eyes--a sort of begging look.

“I want you to attack my pussy like you attacked those fuckers,” I said, emboldened, wet, controlled.

He raised his eyebrows, a mix of intrigue and longing. He reached down to his cock, slipped his hand in his pants, and started stroking himself.

“Wimp,” I taunted him.

“You don’t get all the fun.”

“Shut up and eat me, you asshole.”

With both hands, I reached out and tugged at his hair, pulling it hard at the roots. I could feel him silently yelp or whimper. It was a submissive sign. Not one of pain or weakness, but of total submission to his master. I was in control. He would do my bidding.

With a violent yank, I shoved his face between my legs as I swung my hips up against his waiting lips, smothering him in me. I felt the tip of his long nose enter me just a bit. It was an odd sensation, but I pushed myself further into his face, and in an instant, my wet lips met his wet tongue, and all the world seemed to shine brighter before me.

He was aggressive with his tongue, sliding it in and out, swirling it, entering and unfolding and circling me. Immediately, I couldn’t tell where my wetness ended and the wetness of his mouth began. I felt myself slobbering across his face, felt his hair wetten against me and stick to my skin, felt him crane his neck harder into me, trying to go as deep with his tongue as he had with his cock so many times before.

Then his hands were squeezing my ass. Hard and pinching, I flung my hips harder into him, squeezing all my muscles as he dug his nails into my skin. He had tilted his upper body so far now, I was able to lift my legs off the ground and rest them on his broad shoulders. Feeling what I wanted, he pushed his body far enough away from the wall behind him to give me room to wrap my legs around his head, squeezing him from behind while pushing into him from the front. I wanted to suffocate him. I wanted to suck him in like a black hole in space, his only purpose to give me pleasure in that moment.

He held my body up with his shoulders and his hands on my ass. Then, unexpectedly, he was lifting himself off the ground. My body didn’t move an inch from him as he rose to his feet and my head bumped against the ceiling. I felt like I was flying as he walked us across the room and threw me against the opposite wall, just beside the window to space. Now his hands were off my ass and undoing his own belt and pants. I couldn’t look down, but I could feel him start to move back and forth as he stroked himself all while keeping me in the air, wrapped around his head, eating me out without even using his hands to balance us.

“Oh, fuck!” I screamed, squeezing my legs around his head even harder, digging my nails into his skull, slamming his face deeper into me.

He had the courtesy to take one of his hands and bring it to my ass to play with me there too as he ate me out and stroked himself harder.

“Fuck!” I screamed over and over. It was an unreal feeling, lording over him in such a way while he worked my clit.

I couldn’t stop shaking and finishing over and over on his face, in his mouth, dripping through his hair and down his chin, completely staining his tunic and his cock and even the floor below us.

“Never stop!” I ordered, and he didn’t. For a time.

Eventually, though, I felt him growing desperate. He managed to detach his mouth from me at one point, and looking up as much as he could, he smirked and complained. “As nice as you taste, my dick is throbbing. Let me fuck you.”

“Get me one more time,” I commanded, and he obliged with a shrug before returning to his duty, entering me with his tongue again, circling my clit and sucking on it, pulling my entire stomach into him and out, into him and out.

I was quick to finish again, but before my convulsions had even stopped, he pulled his face back, sucked in a massive gulp of air, placed his hands on the bottom of my ass, and threw me up into the air and off his shoulders. I bumped my head against the ceiling, but the pain didn’t matter. Before I began my descent back to the floor, he had retreated a step and stood before me with his right hand outstretched. I was suddenly suspended in midair. He gripped me in a vice through the Force, and I felt a delightful pressure around my throat. Not enough to kill me, but enough to make my vision flutter a touch.

With his left hand, he ripped off his tunic, and standing naked before me and fully erect, he slowly lowered my body until it was suspended at just the right height in the air.

“Spread,” he commanded, nodding at my legs. I obeyed.

“You were the master, and I admit, I admired your tutelage. But now things are back to their natural place, and I am your master now.”

I lowered my gaze and slightly squinted, hoping to disarm him. He wasn’t having it. He had regained his supremacy, and the more I tried to neutralize his dominance, the more control he exerted over my neck.

I learned my lesson immediately and spread my legs.

“Good girl.”

He approached me slowly, as if admiring a new starship. With a delicate hand, he ran a finger over all of my toes, around my ankles, up my shin and to my knee. He did this with both legs one at a time, all the while keeping his right hand extended, keeping the vice around my neck.

“Now,” he said smoothly, running his finger a bit higher now up the inside of my thigh, “give me that drenched pussy again. Soak the ground.”

His command was enough. I felt myself wetten even more, dripping profusely now as if I intended to erode the ground beneath us.

As he got nearer, his body almost touching mine between my legs, his grip with the force combined with his actual grip, and I felt his long fingers wrap around my neck. I felt intoxicated.

“Now, when I get inside of you, I’m going to keep my dick still. I’m not going to move. You, suspended here in air, are going to move around me. You’re going to honor your master. You’re going to squeeze tight around me and get me off until I finish inside of you. You won’t say a word. You will finish when you finish, then you’ll keep going. You won’t look away from me while you work. And when I finish, you will take everything I have to give you. Do you understand?”

“Yes, master,” I said without a thought.

“Good.”

He didn’t wait. I felt him shove his cock inside of me, deep because of the angle he had me trapped in. I felt the base of his shaft hit the inside of legs. The entirety of him inside me felt like a rip in the universe--like the star destroyer splitting space in two until it fully ripped. I loved it.

I gave him everything I could. I spun my hips and slid up and down on him. I squeezed and retracted, tried to choke his cock the way he was choking me. All the while, he didn’t wince or look away or lose focus. And neither did I. We were locked into one another, completely entwined like a star and its planets, or a planet and its moons. Nothing in the universe could detach us. We would ride that ship to the end of the known universe, past the uncharted regions and off into a whole other time completely, and never would we break eye contact.

When it was over and we were both exhausted and sweaty and a mess all sprawled out on the cold floor, we entered a kind of collective peace, and somehow we spoke to one another without words, only using the Force, dancing together within our minds to music only we could hear.

He told me once more that he loved me and wished me to be his bride. He told me he was bent on a knee before me, ready to go anywhere and do anything I wished. He told me he wished only to make right all that he had wronged, to put in order the destructive force he commanded, and then once all that was done, he wished to settle down with me on a faraway planet, make children with me, and see them grow.

But there was trepidation there--a new kind, having nothing to do with anything that had ever kept us apart in the past. It was a fear. There was something else. Something that had been brewing in his mind for some time. I reached out to ask what it was, but he wouldn’t tell me. And the only image I could glean from his thoughts and memories was that of a set of strings hanging loosely from an unseen hand in the sky, and at the base of those screens, Ben danced like a lifeless doll.

I felt him reach out to me to seek out my own trepidations. In my mind, he saw an orange wilderness of sand and heat, two suns, and a host of desperate faces.

Without a word, we both agreed we would need to have one final separation before we were to come together forever to live the lives we wished to live, free of all the masks we had ever worn.

He would have to confront this puppet master that lingered in his mind. I would have to see to my friends and make right the struggles they now endured.

In the end, though, we both agreed our paths would lead back to one another.

For the first time, I truly sensed a future with promise. There was no going back now. Our final hour of struggle and uncertainty was before us. When it was done, there would only be gleaming skies of life in the day and a night ablaze with golden-fretted stars when we chose to sit under the firmament’s majesty in each others warm embrace, only to think upon all our wondrous adventures with laughter, love, and the promise of all the new adventures to come.


	28. All That Remains of What Is Lost

My flight back to Tatooine was long and cold, and the closer I got to that desert planet, the colder I felt. Even entering the boiling atmosphere and landing near the dry sand dunes, I felt the ever closer approach of death’s cold, lonely hand. It didn’t seem to matter how hot the twin suns burned on the back of my neck as I exited the ship. It didn’t matter how the sweat glistened on the faces of Finn and Rey as they exited their own ship to meet me. It didn’t matter how oppressive the air was over all of us, threatening to take our bodies down in exhaustion or in flames; that shivering emptiness lingered, encroaching into my mind and heart until, before they could even say it--before their faces could even speak it--I knew what I had arrived to hear.

“He gave his life for something he believed in. He was proud of what he was doing. His sacrifice allowed the rest of us to escape. Nobody could take his place. It had to be him.”

Rey’s words were like echoed memories. They had form and familiarity, but they couldn’t quite reach me. I wouldn’t allow them to.

Hadn’t Kylo told me they escaped? Surely, all of them did. He would have known, wouldn’t he?

Of course not. Of course he couldn’t know. And what did my feelings tell me? Even as I had dared to hope beyond my acceptance, that feeling had not gone away. Surely, the universe had taken yet another person from me. I knew it when I watched the ship explode silent before me in space. I knew it when I blamed Kylo upon his return. I knew it when I had denied my feelings and fell back into our regular rhythm, Kylo and I. I knew it when we came to peace with our future and decided we would spend it together. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew Makhi was dead. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I couldn’t. Drakri was one thing, but Makhi? Here was my oldest friend; the only person who knew me even better than Kylo. He was the one who had shown me it was possible to move beyond a life behind the helmet. He was the first one who believed in me. He was the first one to love me.

And now he was gone.

“Wh--Why would … how did this happen?” I asked, stumbling with my words and balance. Rey was quick to hold me up. I felt her radiate with the Force, reaching out to offer me kindness and support. I appreciated it. The connection to another Force-wielder made me feel like Kylo was there with me, though Rey’s energy was radically different than Kylo’s. Nevertheless, the air grew stuffier and thicker, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stand much more of it.

“For starters, that murderer you’ve been fucking!” It was Finn. He hadn’t closed the distance between us since we’d disembarked our ships. Rey and I had met, but Finn had stayed pat. He was just far enough away to hear and be heard, but I felt a revulsion from him. It was if I had an aura that extended in a bubble around me, and to touch it would be poison for him. I didn’t blame him.

“Finn,” Rey grumbled, taking my hand and shaking her head. “Don’t listen to him.”

“No, I--I get it. I’m sorry, Finn, but Ben had nothing to do with this.”

“You believe that? You, Leia, and even Rey! You’re all blind to think Kylo Ren could ever be anything but a damn murderer.”

I looked up at him and pleaded with my eyes. “Please, Finn. You have to believe me. I--this is awful for me too. I know this is impossible for you. But I--Makhi, he was--he was my oldest friend. I feel broken. I’m so sorry--I know--I’m so sorry for you.”

He raised an arm to his head and wiped his eyes. He was shivering even under the intense heat of the desert.

“Before it happened, Ben ordered his ships to stop. The star destroyer, it came out of nowhere. He--he didn’t order it,” I explained.

“Right. And who told you this? Him?”

“I watched it happen!” I cried. “I was there. But that star destroyer--there’s something else at play. He didn’t know it was coming. He--he knew what Makhi meant to me. He wouldn’t hurt me like this.”

“Whatever.”

“You’re not the only one who lost someone, you know!” I shouted, suddenly feeling angry at Finn’s grief. I had no right to feel such a thing, but I couldn’t help it. My own grief was tearing me apart.

“It’s your fault! You and that sick fuck! Fuck both of you! Makhi would still be here if you both could just keep it in your pants!”

Instinctively, my hands reached to my sabers at my belt, and I moved to Finn. Rey held me down, though, exerting the Force against me. I was caught off guard by her strength and aggression, and I fell back into the sand.

“Enough, both of you!” she barked, standing tall. This was the first time I noticed her full grandeur. She was a powerful Jedi. I felt a sting of jealousy and anger. Who was I to her? How would my grandfather and my mother view me compared to her? For a moment, I wanted to strike her down, but even that thought tore me up more, and I remembered how much Makhi admired her and her cause. Remembering this, I fell back into the sand and looked up at the suns. The sky was a fireball. It hurt my head, so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Her voice filled the air again, and this time I felt no anger. “No one here is to blame. Orra, don’t let these feelings cloud your judgement. Focus on the Force. Finn. Remember what I have been teaching you. Calm yourself. Don’t act upon your negative feelings. Reach your inner calm. Find your peace. You are both grieving from the same loss. You shouldn’t be fighting one another. Instead, the two of you are all that is left of Makhi. You are two pieces of who he was. Honor that!”

I felt myself sink deeper into the sand. It burned my body, but I didn’t care. Somehow, even though I knew it hadn’t been my fault, I felt responsible, and the branding from the sand seemed like an appropriate punishment for my guilt. It didn’t matter, though. Rey was right. Fighting with Finn would do no good.

I reached out to the Force and felt its calming embrace. It washed over me like water on that hot day, and I felt myself calm in its presence. With it at my side, I slowly lifted myself from the sand and stood before Finn. He hadn’t come any closer to me, but Rey’s words had certainly affected him. When I looked at his face, I couldn’t tell where his sweat ended and where his tears began. I reached out to him with my own energy, and surprisingly, though there was anger there, there was a flicker of reciprocation to my outreach.

“Makhi meant everything to me,” I told him. “But I know friendship means nothing next to the connection between two people in love. I can’t fathom what you’re going through, and I’m sorry. But trust me when I tell you this whole thing is bigger than Kylo Ren. Trust my love as I trust the love you feel for Makhi. Trust me when I tell you this whole thing happened against Kylo’s wishes, and now he is halfway across the galaxy looking for answers. There is a shadow atop the First Order, beyond even him.”

Finn shook his head.

“Finn,” I called out, my last attempt to reach him. “When I asked him to spare you, he listened. He didn’t want to hurt me because he loves me. He called off the fighters. This was not his doing.”

I reached out to him again through the Force, but his energy retreated from me. I reached out a hand then, but he couldn’t look at me, and then after a moment of introspection, he turned and boarded their ship, disappearing from me. I dropped my hand and felt my heart drop as well. Rey had been right. Finn and I were all that was left of Makhi, but there was no hope we’d connect to share those last parts of him. No hope of us coming together to grieve as friends. I wanted to be angry with him, but I couldn’t. Finn had every right to act however he needed to act. He was entitled to every feeling he had. His entire future had shattered and vanished from him, and now he was alone and adrift in an unforgiving galaxy. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing anyone could do.

I felt the rush of grief hit me again, and the heat from the sand crept up my legs, coiling itself around my skin like snakes. Rey, feeling my grief, reached out again and calmed me. I was thankful for her presence.

“You saved many lives, including my own. If you hadn’t have reached out to Ben and stopped him, the outcome might have been different. Despite the loss of Makhi, it could have been much worse,” she reassured me. “You have my thanks.”

“You’re kind,” I said. “But I feel guilty. I know it wasn’t Ben’s fault, but I--everyone who comes into my life ends up being destroyed.”

“We can’t control fate.”

“I know.”

“But we can help steer it along, you know,” she said. “We can control who we help, and right now, we need your help.”

“I don’t understand how I could be of any help,” I admitted. “Everything that is happening, it’s all above me. Even Ben doesn’t know who sent that star destroyer. He’s off now to search for answers, but I don’t think I have any role to play in his search. I don’t feel like I have any role to play in any of this. The Resistance. The First Order. They’re just names to me.”

“Maybe you don’t have any attachment to the names,” Rey reasoned, “but think about what the Resistance and First Order mean to the people in your life. Think about what they have done.”

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

She smiled at me. “Think about what the Resistance meant to Makhi. Think about what it gave to him. It gave him a purpose and love.”

“Yes, I guess that’s true.”

“And think about what the First Order has meant to those you love and to you yourself. Think about how it shaped you and Makhi and Finn. And think about what it has done to Ben.”

I looked at her curiously. “What do you know about that?”

“Ben and I, we’ve had moments of connection,” she said. “We have met on occasion. We are bound to one another through the Force in a way, and through my training with Leia, I have come to understand him somewhat. I’ve come to understand what he’s gone through, and I wish to see him saved.”

I took a step back from her, suddenly suspicious of what she was saying. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I didn’t know you two had--much of a relationship.”

She threw her hands up and shook her head. “No, no. It’s nothing like what you two have. It’s just family stuff, though we’re not much of a family, I guess. It’s just--no matter how little we’ve actually had of a family relationship, there’s still a connection. It’s something that’s happened through the Force.”

I looked hard into her eyes and reached out to the Force, hoping to glean a little more information. But she wasn’t sharing. There was a block in her mind and heart, and I didn’t know what that meant.

“Here,” she said, handing me a small datacard. “You should give this to Ben.”

“What is this?” I asked, looking it over as if it held the secrets of the universe.

“There’s been a darkness consuming the Force,” she explained. “I know it has escaped you, but I suspect it is because Ben has done such a good job keeping it from you. I don’t think he wants you to worry. He’s protecting you.”

“Protecting me?” I asked.

“I suspect,” she said. “Well, Leia suspects. Anyway, this file contains a map. It’s a readout of the planet Mustafar. There, you will find a Sith wayfinder. It’s an ancient object that Leia thinks will help us uncover this mysterious feeling we’ve felt. And now that you say Ben suspects another force acting upon the First Order, I can’t help but think all of this is connected. But this is something I feel Ben must do, with you at his side. With everything in my soul, I wish to go myself and destroy whatever evil lies at the root of these things, but Leia has seen the will of the Force, and she believes this is Ben’s path. I had hoped to give this to him myself, but the Force brought you before me, and now I think he will need you by his side in the end.”

“Ben has been so unfocused because he says something has been in his head. Are you saying that is this Sith you speak of?” I asked, not sure about anything she was saying.

“It has to be,” she said. “Everything is connected. Even you, I feel, have some connection to this mysterious power. Have you had any feelings or visions that seemed abstract to you? Any feelings of doom and darkness outside of the tragedies that have befallen you?”

I thought back to my vision of Ben’s death. The memory pained me, and I quickly pushed it out of my mind.

“I don’t think so,” I lied.

“Orra, it’s impossible to run away from the universe. It’s not wise to think we can,” Rey cautioned.

“I know.”

“But the future is uncertain. It’s always in motion. No matter what you’ve seen in your dreams and visions, it isn’t certain. And it isn’t wise to let those visions consume you to horrible ends. Better Force wielders than you and I have been driven mad by such things.”

I nodded. “I know. I’ll--do my best.”

She looked me over for a moment then turned back to her ship. “I have something for you,” she said. “Let me get it.”

She ran back to the ship, leaving me by myself. With her our of my vicinity, I relaxed and let the vision of Kylo pass through me naturally. It took everything in me to keep my feet beneath me as it passed through my mind, but when it was gone, I was able to breathe again. No matter how much wisdom and comfort were in Rey’s words, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this vision was prophesy. I couldn’t take another loss, though. One more would break me, I knew it.

When Rey returned, she was holding something in a brown bag.

“I thought you might want something of his,” she said when she reached me. I took the bag from her and reached inside. My hand wrapped around a familiar-feeling object. It was smooth and polished and cold to the touch. When I pulled it out, two empty black spaces peered into my eyes. Looking at them, I suddenly was transformed back into the person I had been, and I felt like the mask was atop my head--felt like I wasn’t me anymore, but was the shell I used to be.

“He told me he kept it as a reminder not of the bad things he had experienced, but of the love he felt even when he wore the mask. He said it reminded him of you. Now, I hope, it’ll remind you of him.”

Makhi’s head was much bigger than mine, so the helmet felt heavier than I remembered. Nevertheless, it was still a stormtrooper helmet, so my fingers remembered its touch. But knowing whose it was and what it now symbolized, the polished armor felt like something new. I didn’t feel anger or hopelessness or emptiness when I looked at its eyes. I felt loss and memory. It was all I had left of him. I would cherish it forever.

“Thank you,” I said, feeling tears flow from my eyes.

Rey offered me a sad smile and patted my shoulder. “We have to get going. Go back to Ben. Give him the map. Let fate steer your journey from here. We will be waiting for you both, and we’ll do what we can on our end to end the war.”

I looked up to her and tried to smile, but the effort was too much. She turned and headed back to her ship, but on the tail of a slight breeze, I felt a touch of energy from her. It was a strange sensation because it matched Ben’s energy. It was in total harmony with him, and for a moment, I thought he was next to me. But it wasn’t him. It was her. For the first time since I’d met her, I realized that I knew her--or at least a part of her--just as well as I knew myself.

I watched her and Finn take off and exit the atmosphere, then I turned back to my ship and stumbled inside. I fell into the pilot’s chair and dropped Makhi’s helmet onto my lap. His smiling, mischievous, impish face flashed in my mind. I thought of all the dirty stories he’d told me, thought of all the whispered laughs we’d shared when no officers were looking, thought of all the times he’d shared his rations with me when I was hungry or all the times he’d comforted me when I was afraid or sad and didn’t know why. I thought of all our nights on duty in the halls of some nameless star destroyer. Thought of all the times I wished I could tell him more but couldn’t. I thought of the moment he said goodbye to me the first time and the moment we said hello again when we met after so long apart. And I thought of how unashamedly happy he was for me no matter what I did or who I chose to be with. No matter what, I remembered, he wanted me to be happy. That’s all anyone could ask of a friend.

Suddenly, as my tears began to crash down on his empty helmet, I felt that familiar energy I had just felt in Rey. I looked up to see if she had come back to Tatooine, but she hadn’t. Instead, a familiar dark figure stood on the horizon. He stood tall and motionless with his robes flapping at his side in the breeze. His hair, too, was disheveled and whipping around his face. He wore his familiar long frown, though there was a buried sort of warmth in his dark eyes.

“Ben?” I called out, though I knew he wouldn’t hear me from inside the ship.

But then his figure disappeared, and I thought I had seen a mirage in the sand.

“My love,” came his voice from behind me, and I turned to meet him, but he wasn’t there.

“Ben!” I called out.

“Orra, I hear you. I am here,” he answered.

“Where?” I asked. “I don’t see you.”

“I am with you, always. I am in your heart and soul.”

I felt my tears intensify. “I--I--Makhi is dead,” I said, stuttering through my words.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Do you know who did this?” I asked mechanically.

“Not yet. But whoever is responsible for making you feel this pain, they will soon feel my wrath.”

“And if it’s the First Order? If they’re beyond your control? Then what?”

“I will burn the First Order to the ground,” he answered without a moment of hesitation. “You are my life. Nothing will come between us again.”

I nodded. “Okay,” I said, clutching Makhi’s helmet in one hand and the datacard Rey had given me in the other. “Okay. Then where can I find you? It’s time we end all of this.”


	29. A Venture through Hell

I was to meet Kylo in the Mustafar system where he had sensed the Sith wayfinder.

“It’s somewhere in that horrible system, but I don’t know where,” he told me. “If I have to tear the entire system apart to find it, I will.”

“What will it lead you to?” I asked him, still unsure what all of this was leading to.

“Answers,” was all he told me. I didn’t feel the need to ask for more. I trusted whatever feeling it was that was guiding him.And no matter what, I knew, I would follow him to its conclusion.

We met halfway between the planet Mustafar and the moon Nur. Kylo was unsure which world to search first, as they were the only two suitable for life.

“How did you track it to this system?” I asked over the comlink. His ship hovered just beyond mine, and though we weren’t physically next to one another, his energy radiated through space, filling my cockpit with that familiar cold embrace of his.

“There’s a family connection to this place,” he explained, “which makes me feel like it must be on Mustafar. Nur has its connections, but for something this sacred, the fortress on Mustafar makes the most sense.”

“A family connection?” I asked.

“My grandfather,” he said. “Darth Vader.”

“He lived here?”

“Yes,” he answered. “In a fortress. But, there was a deeper connection too. Before he was Vader, he was Anakin Skywalker. He was your grandfather’s apprentice, and here he turned on him. They waged a great battle, and your grandfather cut mine down and left him to die on the volcanic ash. In the years after, my grandfather often returned here. It was his refuge and his greatest source of anger and grief. He had loved my grandmother so dearly, and here he tried to resurrect her spirit so many times. Here, at the very place where he destroyed her.”

“That sounds like an awful love story,” I said. “Why would he kill her if he loved her?”

“He was consumed by the lies of his new master. Consumed by the dark side.”

“The dark side? But--isn’t the dark side--”

“Yes. But I am stronger than he was. I know it. I can master its power without letting it destroy me. It doesn’t have to be such a horrible thing.”

I sighed. “So a Kenobi and a Skywalker arrive once more on Mustafar. I hope you weren’t thinking we’d follow the same path as our forebears.”

“No,” he said, chuckling. “Besides, it’d end up the same. You are much stronger than me. I wouldn’t dare take you on.”

“Sure,” I said, teasing him. “Just so long as you know that, I think we’ll be very happy together.”

He laughed again but grew sad. “It really is an awful tale, my grandfather’s. He was consumed by a voice that spoke to him in shadow. That same voice, I now fear, speaks to me. But I will not fall for its lies. I no longer exist in the shadows. I know my path. I know who I am and what I want to be. I won’t fail.”

“You won’t be alone,” I said. “I’m here with you. Let’s go to Mustafar. The wayfinder is there.”

“How do you know?”

“I have a map.”

“What?”

“Sometimes your greatest enemies turn out to be the ones who help you the most,” I said. “Let’s go.”

We landed in a forest of dead irontrees that protruded sideways and skeletal out of the ashy boglike ashy soil. A supernatural grey haze extended over the sky--a product of centuries of volcanic activity only recently halted as the planet attempted to heal its long-worn scars.

We exited our ships at the same time and met where once had been a river of lava and death. The entire planet seemed to still be screaming. It screamed echoes of lovers past. It was a planet with a doomed history; one consumed by grief and the fruitless attempts of those who survived to bring back the dead. I could hear their cries of grief on the dry wind. Whether Anakin was among them, I couldn’t exactly tell, but Kylo seemed keenly aware of all of it, and I sensed his personal connection to the place. He was reaching out to the past, hoping to lock onto his grandfather’s energy. I couldn’t tell if he found it.

“You going to tell me who gave you this map?” he asked.

“Someone you detest,” I answered.

He shook his head. “That could be many people.”

“Let’s just call it a gift from your mother, passed to you through many intermediaries.”

He looked genuinely shocked. “My mother?”

I crossed the distance between our ships and placed the map in his waiting hand. He took my other hand in his and smiled at me. “Did you meet her?” he asked.

“No.”

“Well,” he said, “that’s unfortunate. She’s--the best of me.”

“That’s good to hear. Maybe one day.”

He nodded then took the map to his ship to read it. The inside of his ship was a welcome respite from the arid death of Mustafar. I had thought Tatooine the worst place in the galaxy, but despite its awful heat and scorching suns, it didn’t contain the same sense of doom and loss as Mustafar. I wished for us to find the wayfinder as soon as possible and never come back.

“Like I thought,” he said, standing over the digital readout of the planet and biting his lip. “It’s at the foot of the fortress.”

“Vader’s?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go.”

“Not so fast,” he cautioned. “The fortress is occupied by the Alazmec. We will have to get through them first. And as strong as we are, there are many of them. We will need a squadron of stormtroopers to provide cover. I’ll have to call one in.”

“The Alazmec?”

“Cultists. Worshippers of a fallen god. They occupy many sacred places in the galaxy. Places where now only ghosts survive.”

“And they won’t just let us take this thing? You’re family after all. Why don’t they worship you?” I asked.

“Because nothing can be that easy, my love. I’ll make the call. Prepare yourself for battle. This is going to get messy.”

#

By the time the squadron of troopers arrived, our presence had been detected. Out of the hazy shadows came a host of orange eyes, looming in the distance like distant stars. Kylo and I walked out into the forest to meet them. We drew our lightsabers and summoned the Force, strengthening its power through our bond together. As the orange-eyed creatures emerged into full view, wearing tattered rags and holding long barreled blasters, our backup arrived, landing behind us. The troopers exited their transport, all of them eager and ready to die for their leader on a dead planet for a cause they knew nothing of.

Kylo, sensing my despair over such an unnecessary sacrifice, reached out to me with the Force, seeking to comfort my mind. “Focus and we’ll get through this with as little sacrifice as possible.”

“Okay,” I said, and before I could draw another breath, the first blaster fire rang over the hollow forest.

Kylo had anticipated it. He raised his blade and blocked the blaster fire before taking off with long strides, leaving me to follow.

Our squadron of troopers followed us. Their blaster fire rang out all around me, but my mind was focused on what was ahead. The Alazmec charged ahead, unafraid of the three lightsabers and a host of stormtroopers bearing down on them. In fact, they seemed drawn to our lightsabers, and Kylo’s specifically. What looked like their leaders charged right at him, blasting and chanting as they neared his furious approach. But their gusto soon turned to a morbid realization that despite their numbers, they were outclassed and walking into their own destruction. Kylo mercilessly cut down two of them with a single slice, then he quickly deflected a blaster bolt into another’s head before summoning the Force to yank the last two right into his waiting blade. They fell with the same withered, lifeless weightlessness as the everpresent flakes of ash that fell to the ground from the sky. The sight of their most brash leaders being felled in such an effortless way seemed to panic the rest of the Alazmec, but they did not retreat. Instead, they pressed on, and soon I had to meet them.

I was swift with my sabers, swinging and leaping and slicing them in a dance. It was with ease that I brought my blades into the cultists’ chests, burying my sabers so deep I could feel my hands splattered in blood.

At one point, I found myself surrounded by cultists, but I felt no fear, even with Kylo a fair distance away, occupied with his own resistance. It didn't matter, though. I closed my eyes and tapped into the Force. It surrounded me like a cool bubble of crystal water, detaching me from Mustafar’s dry air. Suddenly, every sound was amplified and every movement by those around me slowed. I sensed one of the cultists squeeze his finger around his trigger, but before he could pull it all the way down, I leaped at him and cut off his arm. I didn’t even hesitate to watch it fall to the ground, squirming in its last moments of life before falling still and dead as the ash of the soil.

Another one moved to fire, but I was quicker. I blocked his bolt with the saber in my right hand, deflecting the blast into another cultist’s orange eyes. With the saber in my left hand, I cocked my arm and threw it like a spear at the Alazmec that had fired the blast. It landed with a thud in his chest, and he fell to the ground. Sensing the others about to fire, I flipped to his dead body and caught the hilt of the blade in midair. Upon landing, I was quick enough to cross both sabers in front of my chest, deflecting two simultaneous blasts right back at the cultists who had fired them. The remaining two scrambled to get behind me, but I spun at them and brought my blades through their shoulders, downing both of them at the same time.

With the group down, I looked back to where Kylo had been before I was surrounded. But he didn’t need my help. He seemed to move in slow motion. His swings were long and powerful. Occasionally, he’d bring his thick boot up and stomp it into a cultist’s heart before spinning and swinging his blade into another’s body, driving the dead fools into the dirt, encasing them in ash and soil. He moved with an unimaginable balance of grace and force. His long arms and legs lended his body perfectly for wide swings, and indeed, sometimes it seemed his red blade rose high as the irontrees surrounding us. And in the haze of Mustafar, his saber seemed to sizzle and crackle in the dust, casting him in his own volcanic light, more powerful and brilliant than Mustafar’s surface had ever been.

When the battle was over, only a few of our stormtroopers had fallen. I took time to touch each one of them, offering a final transfer of Force energy as their lifeforce quickly faded from the galaxy. It seemed my care and attention was appreciated by the rest of the troopers, and for the first time since I’d taken off my own mask, I felt that same kind of camaraderie Makhi and I had felt with our other brothers and sisters behind the masks. I appreciated their sacrifice and the acknowledgement of the rest of the squadron, and in that moment after the battle, I felt I had forever earned their trust.

Kylo, on the other hand, was singularly focused. His mind was on the wayfinder, and as we reached the edge of the fortress, I felt its energy reach out through the Force. The entire planet was swimming in Force energy, but here, at the edge of the trees, the Force seemed to explode from the core of the planet. Its energy surprised me, and it took a moment for me to get used to it. It was as if I had just suffered a great wound, and only after a number of intense, labored breaths did I feel stable again.

Beyond it all, though, and even more terrifying and grand, was the great black fortress that towered over a small river of lava. It stood above us on a hill, and its spire extended high into the atmosphere, seemingly reaching up into space. It stood like a great arm ready to fall and slam us into our graves, and its energy beyond even that was full of sorrow and hate and regret. Here, great tragedies had played out. The fire of love had been put out like the final embers of a star collapsing into itself. The place was rife with the dark side, but it wasn’t the same kind of cool command that Kylo exuded; it was a sinister evil, full of distance and pain and suffering. I wondered what kind of tragedies had been wrought here, but it was of no matter anymore. Kylo walked beneath its shadow with purpose and without fear. It was if he was conquering the memory of his lineage, and as he approached a pedestal in the ground at the edge of the forest, I sensed him turn from an aura of anxiety and anticipation to one of fulfilled purpose and clarity. It was as if finding the Sith artifact had calmed his nerves and set his future in place. I watched him reach out and take the pyramidal stone from its resting place. It glowed black and red in his gloved hand, and he looked down at it like a newborn baby, cradling it in his palm with care and concern.

When he turned to me, there was purpose in his eyes, but there seemed to be dueling purposes at play. I approached him with caution, for I didn’t know what it was he was thinking, but he smiled at me and placed a large hand on my shoulder.

“The end is near,” he said. “This will answer all of my questions.”

I nodded but didn’t know what to say. He sensed my confusion.

“Before the end, though, there is something even more important to attend to.”

“What is that?” I asked.

He looked at me with intensity and focus. The edge of his lip quivered. “We must go to Naboo. There, we will cement our future forever.”


End file.
